Month: December 2015

The Meaningful Act of Just Showing Up

My oldest daughter and son-in-law were blessed with the birth of their first child, a baby boy on Shabbos of Parsha Vayigash, which also brought with it the blessings of a Shabbos Bris. A Shabbos Bris is an amazing event consisting of a family meal, a Shalom Zucher, Shabbos Davening, the Bris, a Kiddush, a Seudas Mitzvah Lunch and the rest of Shabbos. It’s even more festive than a Shabbos Sheva Brochos.

Shalom Zucherim, Brissim, Kiddushim are tremendous opportunities to deepen our connections to our friends and all it takes is just showing up. Through the various activities I continually thought, “How nice it is that he stopped by?”. Some people just poked their head in for a second at the Shalom Zucher. The effort to leave the comforts of home on Shabbos night, just to say hi, made an impression. My closest friends came to three or four of the activities. It meant a lot to me. That’s the stuff great friendships are made of.

I also had the pleasure to attend two vorts this week. Local vorts are often attendance no-brainers. It’s the longer distance vorts which create the growth opportunities. “I don’t have that much time to spare.” “We’re not that close.” “I’ll probably be invited to to the wedding.” These are all good excuses, but the meaningfulness of the act is proportionate to the effort. Long distance and time consuming attendance shows that you care. And the people on the receiving end really appreciate it.

We’re busy. We’re distracted. We’re sometimes lazy. It’s hard to go to all the things that we know we should. That’s why we can be pretty sure that the meaningful act of just showing up brings the rewards of deeper connections in this world and the rewards of being a chesed personality in the next.

Beyond Shushing

The Importance of Maintaining Decorum
The laws regarding behavior in Shul discourage most talking. This great set of Synogogue Guidelines by Rabbi Michael Taubes demonstrates the severity of the prohibition of unnecessary conversation and what degree of quiet is required during the various parts of davening.

Our Motivation for Quiet
Despite general knowledge of the laws, people make mistakes and sometimes talk during inappropriate times during davening. This even happens in quiet Shuls. When talking happens we would like it to stop, motivated by a combination of the following factors:
– eliminating something that is disturbing or distracting to us
– preventing the talker from committing a transgression
– helping the Shul to have the proper decorum

Is Shushing Effective?
One of the popular ways to try to stop talking is the shush. It’s certainly better than telling a person to shut-up and perhaps it’s rooted in preventing embarrassment. Although shushing will often result in the talking stopping, without dealing with the underlying causes it’s a stopgap measure and the talking will continue. Another issue regarding shushing is who has the authority to deal with talking, ofttimes it’s not the shusher.

Is Shushing Disruptive?
Sometimes the shushing is more disruptive then the talking, since the talking is often quiet, while the shushing is heard by many. Depending how it is done, shushing can be embarrassing to the talkers, which some people feel is justified. When the shushing continues through the service, it can be a real disruption.

So What’s The Solution?
Talking in Shul is a problem, but coercive behavior change is not effective. Each Shul needs to quantify who are the problem talkers and how to deal with them respectfully on an individual basis. Tolerating occasional talking may be necessary in many situations.

Originally Posted Jan 2012

The Care and Feeding of Small Tent Shuls

Our Shul, has been at a comfortable 85% – 90% Shabbos capacity for a number of years. Although we are financially stable, primarily because of our playgroup, we periodically discuss our new membership enrollment to see if there is anything we can do to insure continued equlibirum in our new member to attrition ratio. As the membership ages, the question invariably comes down to attracting younger members.

One problem Shuls face, is that there is not a homogeneous young member profile. Some want a more Yeshivish style davening. Some want a faster davening with a weekly kiddush for socialization. Some want a Shul of peers with no desire for a cross-generational membership makeup. And some want a Shul with a great knowledgable Rav.

In this era of Shul choice, you can’t be all things to all people. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try to make your Shul more appealing by eliminating some of the cruft: like burdensome announcements, unnecessary delays in davening, a non-responsive bureaucratic governing body, or an offensive culture of shhhshing. On the positive side, things like more frequent kiddushes can add some Shul appeal.

Although Small Tent Shuls don’t have as many problems as some of their Big Tent cousins – attention, discussion and maintenance is necessary to maintain your Shul’s appeal in our age of increasing Shul Choice.