Chesed Archives - Shul Politics

Bein Adam LeChavero Opportunities in Shul

A friend of my friend is now my friend. My friend Menachem Lipkin from Beit Shemesh messaged me about a post-of-interest that his friend David Bar-Cohn had written. It’s an amazing post titled: Shul – The Place for Interpersonal Mitzvot where David lists 74 Bein Adam LeChavero Opportunities in Shul.

I thought the list was amazing. I asked David if I could break it down over a few posts so we would have more time to digest and let the ideas marinate a little longer.

Here’s David’s intro:

People naturally think of shul as being primarily a bein adam lamakom domain (“between a person and God”). But in fact, the opportunities to exercise interpersonal sensitivity in shul are so numerous, so constant, that one could reasonably argue that it’s predominantly a bein adam lechavero experience (“between a person and their fellow”).

And of course, all our ritual religiosity is just pomp and circumstance (Chapter 1 of Yeshayahu/Isaiah actually calls it “abomination”) when that religious behavior isn’t built on a foundation of human decency and sensitivity.

With that in mind, here’s just (the first 20 of) a partial list of bein adam lechavero opportunities in shul:

1. Not going to shul if you’re sick or contagious, or if you must, keeping a distance from people.

2. Covering your mouth when you sneeze or cough, washing hands after blowing your nose – even if you’re not sick.

3. Brushing teeth and using deodorant so as not to make it unpleasant for fellow shul-goers.

4. Helping at home before leaving for shul – getting the kids ready, cleaning up, etc.

5. Coming with your own siddur or chumash if you know the shul is usually short.

6. Getting to shul on time if you know someone needs to say kaddish and they might be short on people.

7. Helping set up the shul for davening.

8. Making sure the women’s section is set up properly, comfortably.

9. Making sure the temperature is set correctly so people aren’t uncomfortable.

10. Asking whether a seat is someone’s makom kevua (set seat).

11. Not being angry at or embarrassing someone who sits in your makom kevua.

12. Not taking up more seats or space than necessary with your things.

13. Not saving seats if the people you’re saving them for aren’t going to arrive reasonably soon and the seats are needed by people already there.

14. Making sure everyone has a seat, especially older people.

15. Offering a seat by a table or a shtender to an older person, so they have somewhere to put down their siddur and other things.

16. Making sure people who need have a siddur and chumash.

17. Extending a greeting (or if you can’t talk, a non-verbal smile or handshake) to the person who sits down next to you, and in general greeting people warmly when they walk in.

18. Introducing yourself to a new face, making them feel welcome, noticed.

19. Helping someone not familiar with the davening find their place in the siddur, and finding them a siddur and chumash with a translation.

20. Being careful not to whack people with your tallis, either when putting it on or while davening with particular fervor.

21. Minimizing the clamor your chair makes when you stand up or sit down.

The Three Weeks – All You Need is Love

The Need For Emotional Connection
The Mesillas Yesharim teaches us that the basis of our Service of Hashem, is Deutoronomy 10:12 in Parshas Eikev: “And now, Israel, what does Hashem, your God, ask of you?
– Only to fear (be in awe of) Hashem, your God,
– to go in all His ways,
– and to love Him,
– and to serve Hashem, your God, with all your heart and all your soul,
– to observe the commandments of Hashem and His decrees, which I command you today, for your benefit.

We are quite good at observing the commandments, but many of us have trouble with the emotional component, specifically that of loving Hashem. We know we are supposed to love Hashem, but do we actually experience that love emotionally?

Without a strong emotional connection to Hashem and Torah, our mitzvos become rote, our davening becomes rushed, and we look to our possessions, our vacations, our vocations, and the worlds of sports, entertainment, and social media for emotional stimulation. It’s very likely that the spiritual malaise effecting large segments of our community is a result of a lack of a strong emotional connection to Hashem and Torah.

How Can We Develop Love
Rabbi Yitzchok Kirzner zt”l taught that to develop our Love of Hashem, we should work on Loving Our Fellow Jew, which is a commandment in its own right.

Love means to have a strong emotional connection. Most people have a strong emotional connection with their spouses, their children and their parents. But when we walk into Shul, with how many people do we actually feel a strong emotional connection?

To develop our love of our fellow Jews, we can start by identifying and relating to their positive qualities. One such quality is that at the root of every Jew is a pure spiritual soul. Every Jew is part of the collective soul of the Jewish people which unites us all. Every Jew is a child of Hashem and is loved by Hashem. Every Jew in our community plays a part in creating an environment where we can grow through Torah and Mitzvos. And every Jew in our minyan, is instrumental in increasing the likelihood that Hashem will accept our Tefillos. We’ve identified a few positive qualities that give us the ammunition to develop our love.

Having identified the positive qualities, we have to actively and repeatedly think about and feel that we love our fellow Jews. Thinking that we love someone and trying to experience the emotion is instrumental in actually developing that love. We shouldn’t be sidetrack by the fact that we love our spouses, children and parents more then our Shul members. We are obligated to love every Jew and each Jew has inherent positive qualities that form the foundation of love.

Actively thinking about and trying to feel our love of our fellow Jews is critical to developing that emotional capacity – and using it to love Hashem. So on a regular basis we can look around our Shul, and think and try to feel how we love this person, and that person, etc..

Loving Hashem
When we develop the practice of experiencing emotional love on a regular basis, we can then use that capability to Love Hashem. Our prayer books are filled with praise of the positive qualities of Hashem which give us many reasons to love Him. We have to actively think about and feel how we love Hashem. It’s not enough to know it intellectually, we have to develop that love, by regularly thinking about and feeling our love for Him.

It’s interesting that Chazal have put a special focus in the Three Weeks on developing a Love of our fellow Jews. This is followed by the month of Elul, where we focus on Love of Hashem as indicated by ‘Ani L’Dodi V’Dodi Li’ – ‘I am for My Beloved and My Beloved is for Me’. Loving people and loving Hashem are commandments that are achievable. We can start on the right track every day in Shul with thoughts and feelings of Love. Don’t worry, nobody will know, but don’t be surprised if we start feeling them loving us back.

Appreciating the Difficulties of Showing Appreciation

Showing appreciation can be very difficult. Mrs. Dina Schoonmaker points out that when we show appreciation there is a certain diminishing of the self that occurs, because we are admitting that we needed that which was done. She also quotes Rav Wolbe zt”l who points out that we develop an attitude of “I deserve it” which inhibits expressions of appreciation.

In the case of a Shul, we have an added difficulty because the volunteers deliver their services on a daily or weekly basis. We would have to show our appreciation to a lot of people on a regular basis. It’s not going to happen.

Most people who have been in the Shul service business for an extended period of time don’t expect expressions of appreciation. They might appreciate them, but if they expect them, they are in for a big disappointment. They serve because it’s what Hashem wants and most are happy to have the opportunity to do the Chesed.

However, even if we don’t express the appreciation we should try to think about it on a periodic basis. One of the main goals of Chesed is to create bonds between people and those bonds exist in our hearts and minds. The good people of our Shuls do a lot for us and we can build those bonds of connection by feeling the appreciation in our hearts.

Messages From A Tzedakah Collector

It was a morning like many others, Shacharis at ~6:00 am, followed by Doing-the-Daf and then heading home for a quick breakfast before hitting the keyboard.

As I was leaving, a smiling, familiar face Tzedakah collector was in the lobby, having just left the Yeshiva minyan. I reached into my pocket to hand him some change and he said that he thought I gave him something at the earlier minyan. I told him I was pretty sure that I hadn’t and continued to extend my hand with the change.

He said that he wanted to make sure that I was giving it with a Lev Shalem (a full heart), even if I was mistaken and had already given. It would be a shame to have to come back as a gilgul for some mis-collected small change. Wow! I told him that I was ok with giving again, even if I gave earlier.

As I was walking to my car, the idea of giving with a Lev Shalem really hit me. I have no problem giving Tzedakah to the collectors on a weekly basis and I feel like I have a relationship with many of them. But a Lev Shalem. Could I really say I was consciously giving at that level?

So here’s a task I can work on. It’s a small amount. I don’t mind giving. I’m already giving regularly as per the Rambam. But now I can work on giving with Lev Shalem, with complete committment, with joy. I can’t wait till tomorrow.

Once in a while you get shown the light. In the strangest of places if you look at it right.

Yom Kippur – Forgiving Others When We’re Slighted

I was Googling for a web-based description of the origins of Avinu Malkeinu when I came across Rabbi Micha Berger’s great discussion of the trait of ma’avir al midosav – forgiving others when we are slighted:

“Rabbi Eliezer once went before the ark [as chazan on a fast day enacted because of a drought] and recited twenty-four berakhos and was not answered. Rabbi Aqiva went [as chazan] after him and said, “Avinu malkeinu — our Father, our King, we have no king other than You! Our Father, our King – for Your sake have compassion for us!” and it started raining. “The rabbis started speaking negatively [about Rabbi Eliezer]. A Heavenly voice emerged and declared, “It is not because this one [Rabbi Akiva] is greater than that one [Rabbi Eliezer], but because this one is ma’avir al midosav and this one is not ma’avir al midosav.” – Ta’anis 25b

Rav Yisrael Salanter (Or Yisrael #28) elaborates. If being a ma’avir al midosav is so important, wouldn’t that mean that Rabbi Aqiva was greater than Rabbi Eliezer after all? Rather, there are two equally valid approaches to serving Hashem. Rabbi Aqiva, being from Beis Hillel, was ma’avir al midosav. Rabbi Eliezer was a member of Beis Shammai (Tosafos Shabbos 130b), and therefore insisted upon strict justice (Shabbos 31a). Both approaches are equally valid, and until the ruling that we are to follow Beis Hillel, both Rabbi Aqiva’s and Rabbi Eliezer’s approaches were equal paths to holiness. However, at a time when we can’t withstand the scrutiny of strict justice, it’s Rabbi Aqiva’s approach that is more appropriate.”

Rabbi Akiva, the most prominent Baal Teshuva of all time, teaches us the lesson that rings in our ears throughout all of Yom Kippur – we need to favor forgiveness over demands for justice. We start Kol Nidre by offering forgiveness for all Jews (BT, FFB and Non-Frum) as we join together in a day of prayer. We end with a resounding Avinu Malkenu asking Hashem to forgive us, even though by strict justice – we don’t really deserve it.

A number of years ago, my Rav, Rabbi Welcher, stressed the need for understanding and unity on Yom Kippur. So, it was very appropriate and moving that during Neilah, five non-religious Jews walked into the Shul. A few, who had multiple body piercings, came towards my section and they were quickly given Art Scroll Machzorim. As we screamed for mercy they joined us, and nobody gave them a second look. They were Jews who had summed up the awesome courage to walk into an Orthodox Shul and join their brothers in prayer. We welcomed them with open arms.

The message of forgiveness and understanding is the message that Baalei Teshuva know all so well. One of the most recurrent themes on the BeyondTeshuva.com web site is that BTs often feel like they don’t fit in. We plead to our fellow Frum Jews: Please treat us with mercy. Please don’t judge us. Please don’t make us feel small. Please accept us as who we are, and where we want to go.

Since we know this teaching all so well, we are well-positioned to teach it by example, as we show forgiveness and understanding to our non-frum friends and relatives, our talk-in-shul neighbors and all the Jews greater than us in Torah, Tefillah or Gemillas Chasadim. It’s hardest to live this teaching when we’re slighted and put upon, but that was the greatness of our teacher Rabbi Akiva – and that is the greatness we can each achieve as we internalize this message.

Making Your Shaloch Manos Count

In his sefer, “Getting to Know Your Soul”, Rav Itamar Schwartz discusses the thirteen faculties of the soul according to Rav Hai Gaon. The 7th of these faculties is Chessed or Kindness. Chessed is the physical act, but the goal of chessed is love. Yet feeling love is not the ultimate goal. It is a means of achieving something deeper – a sense of unity between the one who loves and the beloved.

We know the pasuk teaches “The world is built on kindness”. The simple meaning is that the the world cannot survive unless people help each other, which is certainly true. On a deeper level, we know Hashem created the world in order to bestow goodness on his creations. Thus, when we say that “the world is build on kindness”, we also mean that the world was created in order for the Creator to bestow kindness. On the other hand there is a pasuk that says “On that day, Hashem will be one and His name will be one”, implying that the goal of Creation is the revelation of Hashem’s oneness. Which is the goal – kindness or oneness? In fact, one complements the other. We are taught in sefarim, that Hashem’s ultimate kindness is identical with the revelation of His oneness.

For us, if chessed is only about giving, it’s a precious quality, but not the root of them all. The real power of chessed is its power of unifying the world into one cohesive entity.

On Purim, we have two mitzvos of kindness, Matanos L’evyonim and Shaloch Manos. When we give our Shaloch Manos, we can try to think about the connection we are making, and that it is a facet of the deep connection, which is love. The more we focus on the love inherit in our giving, the more we can do our part in building the unity that will herald the day when “Hashem will be one and His name will be one”. Chag Purim Samayach!

Connecting at the Superbowl Party

Two of the most central commandments of the Torah are “Love Hashem” and “Love Your Fellow as Yourself”. Love consists of developing a deep connection to another. With Hashem we develop that deep connection by thinking of Him when we perform mitzvos. With our fellow humans, we develop that deep connection by appreciating their good qualities, praying with them, learning with them, helping them physically, financially and emotionally, and spending time with them.

Which brings us to the Superbowl Party. Many Rebbeim that I know feel that it’s ok to watch the Superbowl as long as you click it off during the commercials and the halftime show. In our hectic world, we need some down time, and watching sports is one of the more acceptable leisure activities. The Superbowl party adds the dimension of sharing some quality time with our friends. It’s a nice venue in that there are lots of opportunities to talk and connect during this 4 hour event with the game providing a good backdrop for small talk.

Attending the Superbowl Party is certainly not a positive commandment. However, if you focus on deepening your love and friendships, then the Superbowl Party, or any social event for the matter, is an opportunity to fulfill the mitzvah of “Love Your Fellow as Yourself”. And it doesn’t matter who wins.

Chessed, Gratitude and Love

In his sefer “Getting to Know Your Soul”, Rav Itamar Shwartz, the author of the Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh teaches us some important lessons about Chessed:

“Love has three layers in the soul. The outermost layer is chessed (kindness), the middle layer is ahavah (love), and the innermost layer is echad (unity)…The real significance of chessed is its power of unifying the world into one cohesive unit…An act of giving is not chessed unless there is some love in it, either an expression of existing love, or the intent to foster love.”

Rav Shwartz also points out that every act has both lishma (pure) and lo lishma (alterior) motives. We should focus on the lishma components of our acts to strengthen that component. I think we can add that we should also focus on the lishma components of the acts of others. If we do this, accompanied by a feeling or showing of gratitude, we can build love and create deeper unity between ourselves and our fellow Jews.

I send out the davening times for my daily minyan every two months. It takes about 5 minutes and I usually don’t get a response from any of the recipients, nor do I expect one. However this week, as I was marinating this post in my head, I received a thank you from someone in the minyan. It was nice and I felt the love. I also took it as a sign that the message in this post is on target.

Have a Happy Gratitude Day!

Getting Lost in My Seat

On one hand it’s inspiring that so many of us want a specific seat for Rosh Hoshana. Assumably, it’s because we want to pray like there’s no tomorrow on the Yom HaDin. To achieve that we need our regular seat, or the seat we sat in last year. It makes sense to want to maximimze our prayer in the optimal seat.

When my kids were younger, we used to go away for Rosh Hoshana. I remember how we would get to the hotel early and I would head straight for the Shul, scouting out a good seat. Not too close. Not too far. Away from the traffic flow. But not too far that it’s hard to get out. When my optimization algorithm stopped spinning, I would place my talis and seforim and mark my seat. Did it really matter? If I didn’t do some prep work beforehand, would my Kavanna be better because of the seat? Probably not.

When you daven in your own Shul, a different consideration comes it to play. There are many more guests and married children present, so it’s often not possible for everybody to sit in their preferred seat. I remember in the past being asked to change my seat. When I said yes, it was begrudgingly. After all, didn’t I have the first rights to the seat that I had sat in regularly for so many years.

I now see that I made a mistake. If I really wanted to show Hashem that I was getting more serious about my Divine Service, wouldn’t it make sense to give up my own rights, so somebody else could have the seats that they need. Wouldn’t that show Hashem that I was taking a step out of my self-centric world view and concerning myself with the needs of His children. What an amazing step that would be towards a more favorable judgement.

It may be too late for me. Now that I’m on the seating committee, it obligates me to give up my seat if it will help somebody else. So I won’t be able to do complete teshuva and give up my seat because it’s the right thing to do. Hey, maybe you could give up your seat and have me in my mind. It’s just a thought.

Touched by an Act of Love

Many years ago I adopted the practice of using a standard table shtender during davening. I flip it on its side when davening Shemoneh Esrai. My weekday shtender costed $12 and is made of plain wood. After using it for a number of years, it falls apart often and I have to put it back together.

This week when I walked into Shul, I saw that my davening neighbor had gone through the trouble of glueing the shtender back together. I was touched and thanked him a number of times. We’ve been sitting next to each other for years, we exchange “Have a good day” goodbyes when we leave, we’ve invited each other to our weddings, but I’m calling this an act of love.

Love is a having a deep connection to another. We can talk about the love we have towards our spouses, our children, our parents, our siblings, our extended family, and our close friends. But in reality, we have an obligation to love every Jew, that is to feel a deep connect to every Jew. Rabbi Dessler says we can increase our love by giving, and Rabbi Noach Weinberg of Aish HaTorah recommends developing love by focusing on the positive aspects of each fellow Jew.

So my davening neighbor went out of his way to fix my shtender, beyond the call of normal Shul behavior, and I was truly touched by this act of love. If I can prevent this act from receeding into the backyards of my memory, I can continue to deepen my emotional connection to my neighbor. May we all be zoche to transform our acts of kindness into acts of love and connection.

Member Participation – Coerce, Encourage or Accept

Maariv is finished on Moatzei Shabbos and the familiar call goes out – “we need people to help clean up Shalosh Seudos”. It’s the same refrain and it’s often the same group of people who clean up. The same participation scenario is replayed for the Shalosh Seudos setup and for many other Shabbos and weekday volunteer functions needed for the successful running of the Shul.

There are at least three approaches to take in regard to member participation:
(1) You can coerce participation with statements like “if people don’t help we’re not going to have Shalosh Seudos any more”.
(2) You can encourage participation with statements like “if you eat Shalosh Seudos, it’s only right that you sometimes pitch in”.
(3) You can accept the fact that some people consider paying dues enough of a participatory effort, and are not inclined to help out.

I’m more in the acceptance camp (3) although I think there is no harm in encouragement. I’m happy to be in a Shul with a healthy occupancy rate and without the attendance of the other members it would be a much less fulfilling experience for me. In need be, we will pay for services that member participation would’ve provided for free.

Some people think that participation, beyond dues, is the price all members must pay and they get very frustrated when members don’t pinch it. Although I’ve never seen it, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a Shul where participation is explicitly or implicitly expected from all members.

The size of the shul may determine which policy is adapted, although I’ll never forget the small out of town Shul I visited, where the Rabbi davened, leined, was gabbai, set up and cleaned up Shalosh Seudos. And he did it all with a smile and with no regrets.

For those who are participating, take pleasure in the fact that you have the opportunity and ability to do communal chesed. And for those sitting on the benches, it may be you’re right, but please consider pitching in on occasion, it will make everybody a little happier.

Transforming Seating Problems into Chesed Opportunities

Despite having a pretty good awareness of the issues involved in Shul seating on Shabbos, a few years ago we discovered we still had some issues. Not all guests were being accommodated in an optimal fashion. Instead of entering a denial phase, we embarked on a simple plan to deal with the issue.

The Shul now has three seating Gabbais, situated on both sides of the Shul. When a guest comes into a section, the Gabbai performs a quick visual check for an available seat and then welcomes and escorts the guest to the seat. When the proper attention is given during the first 30 minutes of davening it works beautifully. Those involved are willing to sacrifice some part of the first 30 minutes of davening to accommodate the guests.

On a past Shabbos, a simcha brought a higher number of guests to the Shul. The high level appreciation shown by the guests as they were escorted to their seats illustrates that this proactive seating process is superior to a passive, let the guests sit where they want approach. One of the Gabbais mentioned that this Chesed felt so right.

On one level, this was a small change which was enacted with little fanfare. But on another level it transformed the occasional seating problem into a situation with multiple Chesed opportunities every Shabbos. Shuls were built for these types of positive transformations.

A Tale of Ten Tablecloths

It seemed like a no-brainer. A visitor to our Hashkama minyan felt the davening would be enhanced if the folding tables were covered with white tablecloths. So he went out and bought 10 white tablecloths and dropped them off in the Shul.

The new tablecloths created a few small logistics problems: they need to be put on the tables; they need to be folded after the minyan; they need to be stored somewhere in our tight-for-storage Shul; they need to be cleaned periodically; and these responsibilities fall unexpectedly on the minyan Gabbai.

The larger issue is that enhancements and donations to the Shul need to be managed by a process which is administered by the officers, boards and members responsible for the care and feeding of the Shul. It needn’t be complicated, but there needs to be points of responsibility and determination of need.

This incident highlights a large point about chesed. Chesed is giving a person (or a Shul) what they really need, not necessarily what you think they need. That is why it makes a lot of sense to ask the appropriate Shul contacts when you want to make a non-cash donation. Does that make sense?

Models of Chesed

In last week’s post, I tried to make the point that beyond our needs for socialization, Shuls serve as a character development arena. In this venue we can work on diminishing our egocentric view of the world to accomodate perspectives other than our own and create deeper connections to acquaintances in the Shul.

Another important roll of a No-Frills Davening Shul is the models our co-members serve to help up improve. One person motivates us to improve our davening, another our learning, and another our chesed. This week one of the “models of chesed” families made a wedding. This family regularly invites single members of the community to their Shabbos table and is involved in many chesed activities. The husband took on the Shul Treasurer position after having served two year as president. And it doesn’t stop there, as a member of the building maintenance committee he is constantly upkeeping the electrical and plumbing systems of the Shul as well as supervising the daily and weekly cleaning activities.

Beyond the institutional chesed involvement, is the personal chesed. This includes attending levayas, visiting the sick, giving rides or helping out in any way. We can’t all be expected to reach the highest level of chesed, but observing a family such as this, we are certainly motivated to make some additions or improvements to our activities. Mazal Tov to the H family on their Simcha. May they continue to take their chesed higher and higher so that we can improve from their rising tide.

The Meaningful Act of Just Showing Up

My oldest daughter and son-in-law were blessed with the birth of their first child, a baby boy on Shabbos of Parsha Vayigash, which also brought with it the blessings of a Shabbos Bris. A Shabbos Bris is an amazing event consisting of a family meal, a Shalom Zucher, Shabbos Davening, the Bris, a Kiddush, a Seudas Mitzvah Lunch and the rest of Shabbos. It’s even more festive than a Shabbos Sheva Brochos.

Shalom Zucherim, Brissim, Kiddushim are tremendous opportunities to deepen our connections to our friends and all it takes is just showing up. Through the various activities I continually thought, “How nice it is that he stopped by?”. Some people just poked their head in for a second at the Shalom Zucher. The effort to leave the comforts of home on Shabbos night, just to say hi, made an impression. My closest friends came to three or four of the activities. It meant a lot to me. That’s the stuff great friendships are made of.

I also had the pleasure to attend two vorts this week. Local vorts are often attendance no-brainers. It’s the longer distance vorts which create the growth opportunities. “I don’t have that much time to spare.” “We’re not that close.” “I’ll probably be invited to to the wedding.” These are all good excuses, but the meaningfulness of the act is proportionate to the effort. Long distance and time consuming attendance shows that you care. And the people on the receiving end really appreciate it.

We’re busy. We’re distracted. We’re sometimes lazy. It’s hard to go to all the things that we know we should. That’s why we can be pretty sure that the meaningful act of just showing up brings the rewards of deeper connections in this world and the rewards of being a chesed personality in the next.

Tzedakah Collectors and the Unintended Tyranny of Policy

Shul policies are absolutely necessary to resolve conflicts between different interests. In the case of Tzedakah collectors coming around during davening, the conflict is between people praying, who would prefer to not be disturbed, and the collectors, who want to go around the shul asking for donations.

There are basically three policies regarding collections:
a) Collectors can go around any time, but should use common sense to avoid disrupting the daveners
b) Collectors are asked to only go around during certain times
c) Collectors may not go around, but may go to the Rav or the Gabbai

In addition, collectors sometimes request to make a short public appeal
There are basically three policies regarding this:
x) Public appeals can be made after davening
y) Public appeals are made only with the permission of the Rav or Gabbai
z) No public appeals with a few exceptions

In my Shabbos and sometime weekday minyan, they’ve adopted policies b) and y).
The current weekday minyan that I daven at has adopted policues a) and z).

Recently during the weekday minyan a gentleman came in to request to make a public appeal. He was told no by one gabbai, but waited for the second gabbai to finish davening to ask him. He was told again that he could not make the appeal but could go around the shul collecting like everybody else. He was not happy with that and left without even going around the Shul. He didn’t talk loud, but in the small space we daven in, most people were aware of what happened.

As it turns out, the shul sometimes does makes exceptions for appeals, but in this case they stood by the policy. It’s a hard call to make, both in terms of setting policy and enforcing it. There is a need to keep decorum and there’s a need to make exceptions. When and where is in the hands of the Rav or the Gabbai and when they stand firm on policy, the collectors come face to face with the Unintended Tyranny of Policy.

Originally Published 12/27/2012

Increasing Our Love of Our Fellow Jews During the Nine Days

Sitting in the comfort of our communities, we can sometimes lose touch of how seriously the Jewish People are currently being challenged. Marriage law changes are a frontal attack on our deeply held beliefs and the unfathomable strengthening of Iran, one the world’s most active state sponsors of terrorism, threatens the lives of Jews in Israel and around the world.

There are three things we are taught to do in such times. Increase our Torah learning, work on improving our davening, and increasing our chesed and love of our fellow Jews. Our Shuls provide an avenue for all three, but let’s focus on our love our fellow Jews, since that is one of the primary callings during the Nine Days.

One of the most practical pieces of advices I’ve ever heard regarding increasing our love of our fellow Jews comes from Rebbetzin Tzipporah Heller. She advises that whenever we meet or greet somebody, we should ask ourselves two questions: “How can I give to this person?” and “What can I learn from this person?”

Giving is not limited to physical things, it includes advice, showing you care by inquiring about the other’s welfare, and offering words of encouragement. Learning from others includes not just subject-matter information but appreciating insights offered from their unique vantage point.

The more we give and learn from others, the more we will love them and connect to them. In addition to the personal happiness generated from such connections, this also creates the unity that is necessary to fulfill our purpose in this world. The solution to our problems lies not in the hands of the nations of the world, but in the efforts we put in to increase our love, and eradicate any disdain we have for our fellow Jews.

Let us hope that we collectively rise to the occasion, so that we can all merit witnessing the rebuilding of the Beis Hamikdash in our lifetimes.

Beyond Prayer – A Fountain of Chesed

Beyond Prayer
As we’ve mentioned previously, Shuls are essential for communal prayer, but their importance as an avenue for Chesed can not be overstated. Without getting into a discussion of the differences between Shuls and communities, it’s clear that much of the person-to-person caring occurs in the Shul setting. Although we lead busy lives, there are so many valuable opportunities to help our friends and develop deeper relationships with acquaintances.

Times of Need
The loss of a close relative is a very difficult time and showing we care by paying a Shiva visit, cooking or helping to make a minyan means a lot to the mourner. We don’t have to be close friends and the person will be thankful for a lifetime.

When someone’s sick, receiving calls and visitors means a lot, as this chesed is usually taken on by a smaller portion of the Shul. It’s generally a good idea to call ahead to see if the person is up to visitors.

Simchos
Joyful times are even better when they are shared. When we’re invited to a wedding, it’s a good practice to make every effort to attend at least a part of it. Sometimes we make calculations of why we were invited, or that it’s not really necessary to go, but a good rule of thumb is to assume the person invited us because they wanted us to be there.

The birth of a baby is also an opportunity to show we care. Coming out on a Friday night for the Shalom Zucher means a lot to the family and it’s a time where our only obstacle is usually the inviting couch or bed. When we’re uncomfortable sitting for the meal, we can still daven at the Shul and watch the Bris itself.

Advice, Jobs, Shidduchim
Giving advice is another great way of connecting to our co-members. Whether it’s a plumber, a doctor, or a school, your opinion is valuable. If you have expertise in a subject, it’s even better.

Helping someone find a job or a shidduch are two of the greatest cheseds we can perform. Keeping our ears open and emailing or phoning any lead is really all that’s required. We sometimes refrain from getting involved because of the infrequency of success in these areas, but the person is thankful regardless of the results as our efforts demonstrate that we care.

Just Plain Shmoozing
Shmoozing is one of the most underestimated Chassadim. Our weeks are filled with work and obligations and asking someone how they’re doing and sharing a good word on Shabbos restores the equilibrium that we all need. This is one area where it’s helpful to break out of our comfort zones and reach out to people with whom we’re not so close. Not everybody has the same social circles, but everybody does have the need to feel recognized and cared about. It takes just a few seconds and it means a lot to most people.

Shuls are fountains of kindness and we can all drink and contribute to the flow.

Originally Published Jan 17, 2012

Paying it Forward With Aunt Sadie’s Couch

As you probably know, “pay it forward” refers to repaying a good deed by doing one for someone else. Aunt Sadie’s Couch is a reference to our pews which are described in this post titled The Shul on Shabbos – Weekday Beis Medrash Solution.

Here’s a brief recap. When we moved into our new Shul building in 1998, we had not come to a final decision on whether to have pew style seating or tables. At that time a Shul in Jackson Heights was downsizing and they offered us about 25 heavy wood pews ranging in size from 8′ to 16′. A board member warned it would be like “Aunt Sadie’s hand me down couch” and we would never get rid of them.

Fast forward to 2009 when we purchased a combination of tables and Lavi pews for our men’s section and we were ready to get rid of part of Aunt Sadie’s couch. A new Bucharian Shul in the neighborhood was opening and somehow we connected and they took about 15 pews with the remaining 10 being used in the women’s section.

Fast forward to 2014 when new chairs for the women’s section were purchased. We were finally ready to remove the remainder of Aunt Sadie’s couch. As it turned out the Bucharian Shul was having their own seating discussions and they could not come to a definitive decision to take the remaining pews. Two weeks ago they finally decided to take them and we moved them out of our Shul.

In reality, Aunt Sadie’s couch (the pews) served us well and saved us money at a time when we didn’t have that much. On top of that we were able to pay it forward by giving the pews to the new Bucharian Shul. All those involved felt good that the couch would be getting some more use and was not destined for the dump.

The Chesed Behind Answering Amen

The halachic importance of answering Amen can not be minimized. The folks at Halachipedia compiled a number of sources to inform us:

Chazal viewed the recitation of Amen very highly. In fact, Chazal tell us that responding Amen is of greater significance than reciting the Beracha. The failure to recite Amen is considered a gross transgression, while responding Amen with great concentration opens the gates of Gan Eden.

In addition to the man-to-God aspect in the answering of Amen, I’d like to discuss a man-to-man aspect.

When you’re davening from the Amud, it’s very lonely, except for the imaginary man on your right shoulder telling you to go faster, and the one on your left insisting that you slow down. Unfortunately neither of those voices provides much comfort. But when you hear the Tzibbur collectively answer Amen, you feel that something tangible has been accomplished with your brocha, or with your Kaddish.

This goes beyond the great z’chus for a deceased relative if you’re an Aval. When the Tzibbur answers Amen to each Brocha, we are bringing awareness of Hashem and His presence into the world. And that’s the reason why we we’re davening, in fact that’s the reason we were created. What could be better than that?

One of the wonderful things about my morning minyan of about 30 daveners, is the fact that we have a very high Amen rate. I would say it’s 90% or higher. When you hear that chorus, each brocha takes on a new meaning. You feel transformed from a sometimes-less-than-perfect reader, to a catalyst for collective spiritual growth. And that’s something that can really make your morning.

There’s tremendous power in the Amen. If you haven’t been motivated by the Chazals on the subject, please think about the tremendous chesed your are doing for the Baal Tefillah, as you make it clear that he’s not just today’s daily reader, rather he is a part of an important service to God.

Helping a Mourner Who Is Sitting Shiva – From One Who’s Just Been There

My father passed away last week, after a long bout with prostate cancer, and I got up from Shiva on Wednesday. The Chesed from my Shul and community started immediately as the hospital chaplain is a member of my Shul, the Shomer who watched the body was also a member and one of my neighbors did the Tahara or ritual purification. Although most of us can not fill those roles, here are some other things that friends and Shul members did that gave me tremendous amount of comfort.

Going to the Cemetery
The cemetery is often a distance away, so going there to take part in the burial shows a great level of care and support. Most people don’t make the trip so it gave me tremendous consolation to see that friends took the time to help with the burial and to make a minyan at the cemetery.

Paying a Shiva Visit
I only sat shiva for two days inside my community, because I sat the other days with my mother and sister, so I knew it would be difficult for people to make it. I can truly say that every person that passed through the doors gave me consolation and support and I won’t underestimate that value in the future if I’m hemming and hawing about paying a Shiva visit to someone who is not such a close friend.

Help with the Minyan
Some of the excuses I’ve thought up in the past, when not participating in a shiva minyan include: I have to get out early, they probably don’t need me, and it’s harder for me to daven in a Shiva house. They might all be true, but from the mourner’s perspective the added stress of waiting for the 10th man to arrive is hard in these circumstances. If there is anyway to make it to the shiva minyan in the future, I’ll try to do it and I’ll keep in mind that being on time is a helpful element here.

Cutting Slack with the Davening
I’m sure I’m not the only one who hasn’t led the davening very often and is then faced with leading it on a regular basis. It was very helpful that those who davened with me tolerated my nervousness, mispronunciations and sometime slurring of the words. I’m told I’m improving and it really is meaningful that my fellow friends and daveners are cutting me a lot of slack in this area.

Sitting shiva is a difficult time, and I’m thankful to my friends, shul and community members for being there for me. Most of these are “just show up” mitzvos which require a little time from our schedule to provide a lot of support to the one sitting shiva.

Google Shareable Spreadsheet Drives Chesed Uptick

The Chesed committee is a key aspect of a well functioning Shul. Typical Chesed committee activities include helping families when there is a new baby, when there is a death in the family, and during other times when a family needs extra support. The main activity our Chesed committee provides is cooking meals for the family. When there is a new baby, the Chesed committee typically provides meals for one Shabbos. When there is a death in the family the committee provides dinner for the family for the entire week of Shiva if needed.

The first task is to find out what are the food requirements of the family. Are there any special diet requirements? What do the kids like to eat? Special kashrus requirements? This is usually done via a phone call by one of the Chesed committee heads.

The next task is to get the members of the Shul to cook the required meal. Typically people would provide a course of the meal, i.e. the main course, a salad or a side dish. The committee members call or are called by friends of the family to ask if they could participate. This is followed by calls to those members who were usually glad to cook for any family. The last step was to fill in the meal gaps. Some calls were made, but the committee heads usually took the role of filling in the gaps because it was easier then making calls.

About a year ago, it was suggested to the committee heads that they should use a Google Doc online spreadsheet to coordinate the meals. The suggestion was adopted and now the procedure is to create a spreadsheet with the date and meals that will be provided. An email is then sent with a link to the spreadsheet. The members then fill in the spreadsheet with the dishes they commit to preparing. As a result of this process, more people now participate in this important Chesed without the requirements of phone calls.

Thanks to the fine folks at and Google for providing this great resource and improving our Shul’s Chesed activities!

The Oneg

Some great community resources are not planned, they’re just born. The Oneg is one of them. A good friend and his family were moving from the outskirts of Kew Gardens Hills to my block. After they moved, he invited me over for a L’chaim one Friday night. It was a great time and I said, “Why don’t you have an Oneg every week?”. And thus “The Oneg” was born.

Every Friday night, this family opens their heart, their house and their kitchen to whoever wants to come by. Some fruit, some cake, some chips and now the weekly Frulent – the Friday night Chulent. And beverages and a L’Chaim for whoever wants. Many people come and don’t partake, and even those who do, it’s very limited and controlled with no one even come close to drunkenness. People come for the people, the comfort, the conversation.

One family comes regularly with the youngest giving over his short weekly Dvar Torah. There are other people who stop by regularly, but many come periodically, whenever it works for them. I personally try to stop by at least once a month, and it’s truly a warm, wonderful place. Whoever wants can say a Dvar Torah, and people have the good sense to keep it short and relevant. We’re not such a singing chevra, so there’s no regular zemiros, but if anybody started, others would quickly join it.

To replicate this it’s good to have a host family where people really feel comfortable coming by. It’s nice that it’s weekly, but monthly would also work. You can rotate homes. If it’s hard to find host homes, then do it in Shul. Every community Oneg will have it’s own feel – and it’s all good! The bottom line is that people have a wonderful opportunity to enjoy Shabbos with their friends, after the busy week many of us experience.

A Song For Some Unsung Heroes

The first question about praising unsung heroes is whether it undoes their unsung-ness. These are people who work for the community consistently over long periods of time and they shun the limelight. They want no honors, no accolades, no recognition, all they want is the opportunity to continue to serve. They don’t need no silly songs.

However, today a song must be sung, because two of our unsung heroes, a husband and wife will so be making Aliyah and creating chesed connections in a new community. I had the pleasure to work with both of them, and with the husband for over twelve years. Their chesed knows no bounds. Where there’s an opportunity to help in any way, they’re there without a moments hesitation.

The following story happened just 2 weeks ago. I was opening my car door outside a Shul and a car raced by and nicked my door and broke off their own side view mirror. My initial reaction was that it was the other drivers fault because of their speed, and my misconception that the car that makes the contact is responsible. The driver in the other car called her husband and they were insistent that I pay for their entire mirror. They called the police to fill out an accident report and we waited as the clock ticked down and my chances of attending a levaya in Monsey were diminishing.

Along comes my unsung hero. He immediately advises me to pay for the mirror as the increase in the cost of my no-fault insurance will outweigh the mirror’s cost. He told me that he was once back ended, and although it was totally the other driver’s fault, his insurance company cancelled his policy. He then gave me his cell phone with the number of a local mechanic to get an idea of the mirror replacement cost. The mechanic gave me an estimate and informed my that in this case it’s the one opening the car door who is totally responsible.

I told the other driver that I was willing to pay and the husband insisted that I pay his mechanic’s quote which was $100 higher. I walked a few blocks to a local bank to withdraw the necessary cash and my unsung hero agreed to stay with my car and the other driver until I returned. I paid for the mirror, got a receipt and my unsung hero comforted me further by telling me that my relatively small $350 loss should serve as a Kapora, and as far a Kaporas go, small financial losses are not so bad. Having him there with me was a tremendous help and allowed my to handle it with calmness, surprising the other driver who was expecting a continuing argument. I apologized, and from the other driver’s reaction it was a Kiddush Hashem.

This is the power of everyday chesed, generated by unsung heroes who make our world a much better place through their daily efforts. I’ll sorely miss this couple, not just because of their friendship and tremendous service to our community, but because they set a high bar for us to reach for in our day to day lives.