Category: Connection

Serving the Kings

Making Hashem Our King
Rosh Hashanah is approaching and it’s an opportunity for us to crown Hashem as our King. This is a difficult task because a King has absolute sovereignty and few people are willing to cede all their authority to Hashem.

Rabbi Noson Weisz provides a motivating thought by pointing out that Hashem is the Creator of the entire universe and He can do anything for us. He can make all our problems disappear and provide us with peace, prosperity and endless joy. However, since Hashem gives us free will, we are given the power to determine our spiritual and physical outcomes. Hashem can only provide His full providential assistance if we cede our sovereignty back to Him by making Him our King.

If we do truly cede control back to Him, Hashem’s Hashgachah Pratis will come into full swing bringing us the spiritual and material success for which we yearn. That’s the connection between making Hashem Our King and Our Judgement for the Year – if we truly accept Hashem as King, he will take care of us as only a King can. However, this is still a difficult task.

Making Our Friend Our King
Rabbi Aaron Feldman brings down a Magidda D’ R’ Meir (thought to be a baraisa), which says that one of the questions we will be asked in the World to Come is “Im Melachatcha Es Chaveiro Alecha” – Did you make your friend a King over you? Did you do Chessed for your friend? Did you serve your friend? Did you treat your friend as a King?

When we treat our friend, or our fellow Shul member as a King, we diminish our self-centered perspective. The same is true when we serve the Shul with pure motivations. This service is a mitzvah in its own right, but the accompanying diminishment of ego makes it easier for us to accept Hashem as King.

Perhaps you shul has a family that exemplifies this trait of treating a friend as a King. Watch them. Learn from them. Emulate them. May all of Klal Yisroel acquire this wonderful trait so that we can individually and collectively give Hashem the sovereignty to bring the Geulah.

In Praise of Shul Families

Reposted in honor of the upcoming Chasanah of Y. S.

There are some aspects of a successful Shul that are easy to quantify, such as a balanced budget, a reasonably paced davening, and Shul attendance. There are other aspects that are harder to precisely measure, but add even more value, such as a great Rabbi, a cohesive membership, and solid Shul families.

A Shul family is one in which the entire family participates, contributes and cares deeply about the Shul. They are active in the care and feeding of the Shul, they come regularly on Shabbos and Yom Tov, and they participate in Shul activites.

And perhaps the most interesting dynamic is how we experience the growth of their children. They are not immediate family or relatives, but we get a front row seat as they progress from Adon Olam, to Bar Mitzvah, to personable teenager, and G-d willing, to the Chuppah and beyond. We share in their Simchas, we watch them grow, we enjoy their company, and because they’re not involved in the day-to-day stuff, we don’t have conflicts with them. It’s a little like grand-parenting, lots of nachas, without the difficult parts.

This post coincides with the simcha of the S family. They typify a solid Shul family, who are liked by all, not just because of what they give, but because of who they are. It’s important to appreciate how we benefit from various aspects of the Shul, and when it comes to Shul families we need to recognize how by just being who they are, they add so much to our lives.

The Ups & Downs when “Everybody Knows Your Name”

This post’s title references the hit show Cheers. One of its running gags, was the character Norm arriving in the bar and being greeted by a loud “Norm!” There was palpable sense of camaraderie among the patrons.

When I come to Shul on Shabbos morning the sense of camaraderie is also palpable. You can be greeted with a warm smile, a hearty handshake, a hand slap or even a hug. It’s a great feeling, but there are conflicts that should be explored.

On one hand, community is a cornerstone of Judaism, and a community consists of friends. Friends that go beyond the handshake, to being there in the tougher times, and to sharing your moments of joy. The closer the friendship, the more likely and deeper the sharing of your lives. The ropes of friendships are spun from the threads of the shared events we experience: the big ones like the weddings and Bar Mitzvahs, and the small ones like the warm handshakes and the “How Ya Doing?” greetings.

Even with the move from the social Shul of the past, to the growth oriented Shul of the present, the Shul is still the primary friendship building vehicle. And cultivating meaningful friendships is an integral part of spiritual growth.

The downside of such an environment, is that a Shul is not a bar. There needs to be a sense of reverence when standing in a House of Prayer and too much backslapping can negatively effect that feeling. The words that bring a smile to your friend’s face are only a small step away from the words that might be considered Kalut Rosh (lightheaded activity) which is prohibited in a Shul (see Shulchan Aruch 151:1).

One solution to this potential conflict is to be social outside the Shul, or in the lobby, or at the kiddush, and maintain a quiet dignified, little-to-no talking environment in the Shul. The problem with that solution is that there are significantly less opportunities for the friendship-spinning small interactions.

Another approach would be to continue with the warm smiles, handshakes and brief words in the Shul, and to be cognizant of the Kalut Rosh boundaries that the halacha sets. My Shabbos Shul follows the watch-the-boundaries approach because the balance is achievable, and the wonderful feeling of being a part of a warm and caring group of people is foundational for individual and communal growth.

Originally Published on 10/28/2015

Reaching a Deeper Happiness on Purim

Happiness is a feeling of completion. When a person feels like they’re missing something, and then they get out of their lacking situation, they’re happy. The missing something can be a new house, a car, a vacation, or even that piece of chocolate that you want now.

A deeper sense of happiness is when we feel the completion with what we already have. That’s the happiness that comes from being with friends, family, or the one that you love.

The deepest level of happiness comes totally from within, it comes from a sense of being, not from having. It’s when we sense our own innate existence and we connect our existence to all of existence, and to the Creator of all existence. That’s the ultimate feeling of completion and happiness and it’s not dependent on anything we have or don’t have.

It’s hard to connect to our being, because in our world we are so focused on what we have, what we want, what we don’t have. The Purim story opens with the King of Persia throwing a massive 180 day party for all the people. The purpose of the party was to usher in a new world order of “having”, to replace a world of “being”. This is the world we live in today, one focused on “having” and not “being”.

On one level, the triumph of the Purim story is the defeat of the genocide promoting anti-Semite, Haman. The deeper victory is the fact that the Jews reconnected to a life of being and connecting to the Creator. As you may know, G-d’s name is not written once in the entire Megillah, because His presence was not obviously manifested in the world. We live in that same world, where it’s often difficult to sense G-d’s presence and generate the joy from connecting to G-d, the source of all existence.

So when Purim begins this Wednesday night, listen carefully to the Megillah. The Megillah helps us understand that there are no coincidences, only a Creator who is directing the crazy events in the world and in our lives, for our ultimate benefit. That ultimate benefit is when we can connect to our own existence, and connect to the innate existence of others, and collectively connect to The Source of all existence. That is the ultimate happiness and completion, and we can all take a collective step in that direction on Purim.

Chag Someach – Happy Purim

Accepting the Unacceptable

It’s a typical Shabbos morning, but since there’s a Simcha there are more guests than normal. After finishing their Shemoneh Esrai, two guests close to you start to converse about politics and continue through most of the repetition. You’re upset at their unacceptable behavior in this normally quiet Shul, but you don’t saying anything because they’re guests.

What if one of the talkers was a very close friend who you respected greatly? The talking behavior would still be incorrect, but it would probably be a little less unacceptable. Maybe on other occasions our own behavior is deemed unacceptable in the eyes of others. Certainly we wouldn’t appreciate their condemnation in such a situation.

We had a case in Shul a few years ago where someone exhibited what was deemed unacceptable behavior by some members. The Rav was asked if the incorrect behavior could be pointed out in a nice way. The Rav replied that unless the corrector was very close to the person, he would probably not accept the correction and therefore it shouldn’t be pointed out.

In the perfect Shul, everybody would behave acceptably all the time. But most Shuls are not perfect. If we want to collectively improve, the first step is to deepen our respect for each other and practice accepting the unacceptable. It is only then can we turn harsh rebuke into warmly received advice and create the better world for which we yearn.

Hashem Loves Us – Our Shul Loves Us

Sometimes it’s hard to feel the love. We all experience difficult times in our lives and we have to make extra effort to remind ourselves that Hashem loves us all the time. He gives us family, friends, food, shelter — life! We need to recognize all the gifts that we can never repay.

So too, it’s often hard to see that our Shul loves us. The officers and committee members may get a little cranky at times, but they provide us a place to connect to our friends and Hashem. Trying to serving us the best they can, usually requesting nothing in return. Since it becomes a commonplace occurrence we fail to recognize the good they do for us.

One of my great Rebbeim, Rabbi Yitzchak Kirzner z”l taught that our relationship to Hashem is improved through our improved relationships with people. It’s an Avodah to see the love and caring that others send our way and that will help us see the love that Hashem showers on us.

See the love, feel love, connect through the love.

How Awesome is This Shul

“How awesome is this place! This is the house of Hashem and the gateway to heaven”. When Yaakov said this, he was talking about the Beis HaMikdash. After the destruction, our Shuls function as our Mikdash Me’ats, our small places of holiness. They are our houses of Hashem, our gateways to heaven.

Our Shuls are truly awesome places. It’s the place that we can have a face to face conversation with Hashem three times a day. It’s the place where we can publicly declare Hashem’s greatness with our Jewish brothers and sisters. It’s the place where we can witness people working selflessly to keep this holy place functioning.

So why don’t we feel it? Why don’t we walk into a Shul and feel “How awesome is this place!”?

It’s probably the same reasons that we generally don’t feel Awe of Hashem. In the “Guidebook to Reaching Awe” (a.k.a. Mesillas Yesharim), the Ramchal highlights many deterrents that keep us from reaching adequate levels of Awe.

One of the deterrents is worldly distractions. We’re dealing with a lot of things on a daily basis: our jobs, our finances, our families, our friends, our health, and what exactly are we going to have for breakfast/lunch/dinner today. It’s hard to put those things out of our minds.

A second deterrent is our self-centered perspective. The davening is fast. Or slow. It’s hot. It’s cold. It’s talkative. It’s unfriendly. I want my seat. Don’t sneeze on me. There’s no cholent. That’s our default perspective.

Perhaps when we walk into to Shul, we can start with the thought – “How awesome is this place!”. This is the gateway to heaven. Hashem, the Master of the Universe wants to hear my voice. He wants to hear my problems. He wants to have a deep relationship with little ol’ me. Maybe if we start with these thoughts, we can gently push the other concerns to the side – for a little while. It’s worth a try.

Davening and the Metaverse

You may have heard that Facebook changed its name to Meta. An article in the WSJ on Wednesday quoted Mark Zuckerberg as saying that Facebook, now Meta, will spend $10 billion dollars this year in pursuit of the metaverse. The metaverse represents a digital reality where people playing through avatars would be able to attend concerts with friends or try on clothes in stores, just as they would offline, out in the real world. Evan Spiegel, the Snapchat CEO, responded with some Mussar and said his company is more interested in augmented reality because it is grounded in the real world that we share.

I happened to try on a Facebook virtual reality headset the other day and it’s really cool. Many financial analysts think the metaverse will be really big, as people are constantly in search of new forms of entertainment and distraction. The Mesillas Yesharim agrees with this last point and teaches that distraction is the first major obstacle on our path of spiritual growth. The other are laziness, our desire for physical pleasure and self-centeredness.

Distraction really comes into the picture during davening. We have the opportunity to petition the Master of the Universe and instead we get distracted with our own personal metaverse. That’s how Hashem created us, but He wants us to try to focus on His reality and fill our lives with learning, mitzvos, praying and chesed.

We can begin our escape from the metaverse the next time we are about to begin Shemoneh Esrai. The Mesillas Yesharim suggests that we stop and think that we are about to petition the Master of the Universe. We will get distracted, but this initial focus should get us through the first Baruch Ata Hashem. Once we begin our escape who knows where it will lead. See you on the other side.

Shul Teshuva

The Sefaria Project’s translation of the Rambam’s Hilchos Teshuva – Chapter 3 – Halacha 1 says:

Each and every person has merits and sins. A person whose merits are greater than their sins is righteous; and a person whose sins are greater than their merits is wicked; half and half, in-between. And the same is true of a country, if the merits of all its citizens are greater than their sins, that nation is righteous, and if their sins are greater than their merits they are wicked; and also for the whole world.

We see that a person, a country, and the world all have a three-books status (righteous, wicked, in-between). I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to say that a Shul also has a three-books status. Let’s assume for the sake of this post that most Shuls are in-betweeners. What should Shuls do to merit a better judgment?

For individuals, the primary path at this time of the year is Teshuva, with its regret, resolve and confession components. In the case of collectives like countries and Shuls it’s not exactly clear how collective Teshuva is achieved, but as Rosh Hoshana approaches we can at least individually resolve to make our Shuls better places. Here are three ideas to marinate as we approach the Day of Judgment.

1. Do kindness.
Shuls afford tremendous opportunities for Chesed. You might not be playing a large Tzedekah role, or cooking meals for a family, but most of us can go to that Shalom Zachar. Or attend the Bris Ceremony. Or pay that Shivah visit. We can commit to stifling the thoughts of, “I’m not so close to them” or “I don’t have time for that”, which prevent us from doing these mitzvos.

2. Let it go.
In Shul life people will let us down. Whether it’s a lack of support, a careless comment or a more grievous offense. And we’ll sometimes be hurt, angered or embarrassed. Those are normal reactions. What we can perhaps control is how fast we let it go. We can commit to working on the trait of being easier to appease.

3. Appreciate the good.
Taking things for granted is a common problem, especially when it comes to utilities like the electricity, plumbing and minyan services. Davening is expected to run smoothly and when it doesn’t, we want answers, explanations and rectifications. If we take a deeper look and see the financial, organizational and operational support behind the davening, the greater appreciation achieved will decrease negativity, and increase our happiness.

At this time of year in which Hashem is closest to us, it might make sense to put some Shul Teshuva on our to-do list.

Our Orthodox Life – Not to be Confused with a Netflix Series with a Similiar Name

To me the wonder of Orthodox Judaism is the ability to make connections. We can take a simple breakfast and with the right blessings and focus, we can use it to serve and connect to Hashem.

But it’s the connections to people that really awes me about Torah Judaism. Three times a day we gather with different groups of people and we spend 15 to 60 minutes praying to Hashem. We are creating an amazing act of collective spiritual in service in these minyanim. I was in Boro Park recently and I went into a Chassidish Steibel to daven Maariv. We were all on the same page despite the differences in our backgrounds. Just 10+ plus people trying to elevate our souls together.

At a recent wedding I witnessed a couple in their forties, marrying off their 1st child to a couple in their seventies, who were marrying off their 12th. I knew the parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles of the Kallah. While I had learned Torah with the uncles of the Choson as did two of my son-in-laws. The truth is that at every wedding, every person in the room is connected in joy and celebration with the new bride and groom. Our Orthodox lives are packed with shared joy.

And then comes Shabbos, where we get to connect and spend some pleasurable and spiritual quality time with our family and closest of friends. The best part of every week is connected to these special people in our homes and in our Shuls.

The Orthodox Life – what a truly wonderful life!

The Three Weeks – All You Need is Love

The Need For Emotional Connection
The Mesillas Yesharim teaches us that the basis of our Service of Hashem, is Deutoronomy 10:12 in Parshas Eikev: “And now, Israel, what does Hashem, your God, ask of you?
– Only to fear (be in awe of) Hashem, your God,
– to go in all His ways,
– and to love Him,
– and to serve Hashem, your God, with all your heart and all your soul,
– to observe the commandments of Hashem and His decrees, which I command you today, for your benefit.

We are quite good at observing the commandments, but many of us have trouble with the emotional component, specifically that of loving Hashem. We know we are supposed to love Hashem, but do we actually experience that love emotionally?

Without a strong emotional connection to Hashem and Torah, our mitzvos become rote, our davening becomes rushed, and we look to our possessions, our vacations, our vocations, and the worlds of sports, entertainment, and social media for emotional stimulation. It’s very likely that the spiritual malaise effecting large segments of our community is a result of a lack of a strong emotional connection to Hashem and Torah.

How Can We Develop Love
Rabbi Yitzchok Kirzner zt”l taught that to develop our Love of Hashem, we should work on Loving Our Fellow Jew, which is a commandment in its own right.

Love means to have a strong emotional connection. Most people have a strong emotional connection with their spouses, their children and their parents. But when we walk into Shul, with how many people do we actually feel a strong emotional connection?

To develop our love of our fellow Jews, we can start by identifying and relating to their positive qualities. One such quality is that at the root of every Jew is a pure spiritual soul. Every Jew is part of the collective soul of the Jewish people which unites us all. Every Jew is a child of Hashem and is loved by Hashem. Every Jew in our community plays a part in creating an environment where we can grow through Torah and Mitzvos. And every Jew in our minyan, is instrumental in increasing the likelihood that Hashem will accept our Tefillos. We’ve identified a few positive qualities that give us the ammunition to develop our love.

Having identified the positive qualities, we have to actively and repeatedly think about and feel that we love our fellow Jews. Thinking that we love someone and trying to experience the emotion is instrumental in actually developing that love. We shouldn’t be sidetrack by the fact that we love our spouses, children and parents more then our Shul members. We are obligated to love every Jew and each Jew has inherent positive qualities that form the foundation of love.

Actively thinking about and trying to feel our love of our fellow Jews is critical to developing that emotional capacity – and using it to love Hashem. So on a regular basis we can look around our Shul, and think and try to feel how we love this person, and that person, etc..

Loving Hashem
When we develop the practice of experiencing emotional love on a regular basis, we can then use that capability to Love Hashem. Our prayer books are filled with praise of the positive qualities of Hashem which give us many reasons to love Him. We have to actively think about and feel how we love Hashem. It’s not enough to know it intellectually, we have to develop that love, by regularly thinking about and feeling our love for Him.

It’s interesting that Chazal have put a special focus in the Three Weeks on developing a Love of our fellow Jews. This is followed by the month of Elul, where we focus on Love of Hashem as indicated by ‘Ani L’Dodi V’Dodi Li’ – ‘I am for My Beloved and My Beloved is for Me’. Loving people and loving Hashem are commandments that are achievable. We can start on the right track every day in Shul with thoughts and feelings of Love. Don’t worry, nobody will know, but don’t be surprised if we start feeling them loving us back.

The Complexities of Complaints

In a post regarding the difference between a Minyan and a Tzibbur, I wrote: “A minyan is a place for davening, while a tzibbur is a place for people. … One of the main thing that distinguishes a minyan from a tzibbur are the complaints. … In a Tzibbur the members are the group and therefore they have a right to express their opinion, which are often perceived by the leadership as complaints. ”

The person who usually receives the most complaints is the President. Depending on their job, family and life situations, some Presidents spend more time in the Shul than others. If a President is in the Shul less often he will probably receive less complaints, because there is a whole class of minor complaints that people will make in person, but will not pick up the phone to pursue. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Let’s take a quick look at the complexities of complaints.

Less complaints are good because there will be less situations which can become major disagreements. In addition, each complaint is a challenge for the President, since he has to dignify each complaint and respond with respect to the complaining member – which sometimes can be challenging. Thirdly, many issues can’t be rectified because there are usually a number of factors why a given Shul Operation is administered in a certain way.

The first benefit of more complaints is that when people feel their voice is heard, they feel more connected to the Shul. Increased Shul connection benefits both the individual and the Shul. From a spiritual perspective, complaints give the administration the opportunity to increase their peace, love and understanding capabilities, and it’s a lot more difficult to Love Your Neighbor as Yourself when you’re being challenged on some issue. And lastly, if people don’t feel that they can express their complaints, resentments build.

If you didn’t like this post, please feel free to send your complaints my way.

The Connection Power of the Kiddush

It’s no secret that a major part of Torah Judaism involves Bein Adam L’Chaveiro. Regarding the negative commandments, we need to avoid Lashon Hara, embarassing people, insulting people, taking revenge, holding a grudge, hating in our heart, etc… For the positive commandments, we need to give good advice, find people jobs, apartments, shidduchim, help them grow, and love our neighbors as ourselves, etc…

Our busy weekday lives often minimize our face to face contacts, but thankfully we have Shabbos, a time for God, family, and friends. The positive trend towards reducing conversation in Shul during davening, leaves the kiddush as the major time to build connection.

The food at the kiddush is the vessel over which we connect and too much focus on the food will reduce the positive social interaction. Three variables effect the connection-building capabilities: the number of people; whether it is sitting our standing; and whether it is in the Shul/social hall or in somebodies’ home.
– The more people at the kiddush, the more difficult it is to have a deeper and longer conversation.
– A sit down kiddush creates better connections than a standing one.
– A kiddush in a house is more intimate and connection building than one in the Shul/Social Hall.

The large stand up kiddush in the Shul is at the lower end of the connection-building scale, while a private sit-down kiddush in somebodies’ home creates a high-connection environment. Unfortunately, the sit-down kiddush in somebodies home is usually not a Shul event, it does not scale to Shul size, and it can create an air of exclusivity. The most practical alternative is a sit down kiddush in the Shul. If you scale down the menu to cracker, cookies, chips, dips and drinks, the sit down kiddush becomes more achievable.

Whatever the form, kiddushim are an important social component of your Shul. We hope and pray that the end of Covid will come soon and the Shul Kiddush in all its formats will return.

Covid and The Problem of No-Frills Davening

With the rise of Covid, No-Frills Davening is becoming the norm. No-Frills davening the phenomena where people join and/or attend Shuls on Shabbos for davening alone. What could be wrong with that? Shuls are built as places to daven. To answer this question we have to take a step back to look at the goals of Judaism.

The goals of Judaism are to create three types of connection:
1) the connection of our body and soul
2) a connection to Hashem
3) connections of ourselves with other people

Body and soul connection is achieved by learning and following the Torah’s prescription of how to act, feel and think from a spiritual perspective as we navigate our lives in this physical world. Connection to Hashem is achieved through serving Him via the mitzvos and through prayer. Connection to others is achieved by diminishing and overcoming our self-centered perspective and helping, seeing the good, speaking well of, and giving honor to our fellow Jews.

Although the Shul is a place where we connect to Hashem via prayers, it is also a place where we connect to our fellow Jews. Connecting to people requires us to go beyond the comfort zone of our family and close friends, and dealing with people who are not such close friends, who have different views than us, who might sometimes rub us the wrong way. And it takes work because we have to put aside our self-centeredness to accommodate the perspectives, needs, and personalities of others. Many people don’t enjoy this and therefore seek a no-frills, no-conflict, no-accommodation-required environment. But if we are to grow as individuals and collectively as a community and a people we need to get our hands dirty and constructively deal with these differences and conflicts.

The world is becoming a much more polarized place and as inhabitants we are affected by this division. The Torah gives us the prescription to eliminate polarization and that is through connection. Hashgacha has placed us in Shuls where we have the challenge and opportunity to do the real work of creating connections and a true unity. No-Frills Davening is harmful because it keeps us in our comfort zone and prevents us from creating the connections which are a major component of our purpose in the world. When Covid makes a retreat, we must strive hard to get back to relationship building in our Shuls.

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The “Start the Connection” Movement

There have been many worthwhile Shul focused movements that have come out of the Coronavirus: “Stop the Talking”, “Stop the Cell Phones”, and “Stop Talking to Your Friends Before Davening”. They all make sense after all, since nobody wants talking or cell phones going off during Shemoneh Esrai. But maybe after putting our lives on stop for so long, we need a different kind of movement. I’d like to offer an alternative, which I called the “Start the Connection” movement.

“Start the Connection” has two components, connecting to people and connecting to Hashem. When you enter your Shul focus on the fact that you’re here to connect. The first connection is to your fellow daveners. Smile at them. Your mask may cover your mouth, but they will detect the smile in your eyes. And the smile will enhance your connection towards them.

After the smile, ask someone how they’re doing. Or ask them how their day was. Listen to their response. Perhaps ask a follow up question. Feel and show your concern for them. It means a lot to people, especially after the isolation we’ve been experiencing for so many months.

If your minhag is never to talk in Shul, try to catch somebody before they enter. If your Shul is trying to impose new beyond-the-halacha prohibitions, speak to your Rav. Tell him you truly want to deepen your connections to your fellow Jews. Ask him whether the positive commandment of trying to Love Your Fellow Jew might possibly outweigh a newly imposed prohibition. Be prepared to lose this battle, but continue to try increasing your love and connection for your fellow Jew.

The connection to Hashem component has more inherent difficulties. We know our kavanna is probably not where we want it to be, and now the minyan is probably shorter and faster. The key here is to “start” the connection. Start small. During the Shema and during the first Brocha of Shemoneh Esrai, think about Hashem when you say His name. Think that He is the source of all existence, and that He is the master of all.

The “Start the Connection” movement has two simple suggestions: 1) Improving your connection to people when you see them, 2) Improving your connection to Hashem when you say His name. Please join us.

Covid and Connection

Although we’re apart in these Covid times, in some ways we’re more connected. The Maharal in his commentary on Avos (6:1) says that happiness flows from completeness, just as grief is the result of loss and deficiency. One of the things that makes us feel complete is connecting to the people in a community. When I’ve spent Shabbos in an out-of-town community, the degree of connection among the members is palpable. In an out-of-town shul or community each person’s contribution is needed more, leading to a greater sense of connection. This is a great benefit of an out-of-town community.

Connection and happiness can be improved in any community. Rav Itamar Shwartz, the author of the Bilvavi seforim, teaches that the goal of chesed is to increase our connection to others. There are many opportunities to give in our Shuls, on an institutional or personal level. A member of my morning minyan moves the talis and tefillin from storage to each person’s seat. This act creates an unbelievable bond between him and the members.

In addition to acts of kindness, we can also create connections in our minds and hearts. A few years ago, I was on a small 240 seat plane and there were 11 orthodox Jews who were sitting in the last number of rows. As we took off I observed several of them saying Tehillim and/or Tefillas HaDerech. At that point I felt a strong connection to a group that was collectively acknowledging our Creator. As the Ramban at the end of Parsha Bo writes “the purpose of raising our voices in prayer and the purpose of Shuls and the merit of communal prayer is that people should have a place where they can gather and acknowledge that G-d created them and caused them to be and they can publicize this and declare before Him, ‘We are your creations’”.

Covid-19 is connecting us together through a common crisis. We’re working hard to stay connected through technology. We’re yearning to go back to our Shuls and raise our collective voices in prayers.

Our purpose in life is to connect to G-d and to connect to other people with our thoughts, emotions and actions. In the process, we increase our happiness and more importantly take a step towards that day when “Hashem will be One and His Name will be One”. May the merit of our efforts in this Covid Crisis bring us closer to that day.

The Shul Zoom Boom

It’s been a long haul for us Shul lovers. But we’re making the best out of difficult situation, thanks in part to technology, and particularly Zoom.

Our first use of Zoom was for online Kiddushim. A small group of us joins a Zoom meeting before Shabbos and we share a L’chaim, some words of Torah, and a discussion of the issues of the day. It’s usually about 20 minutes long. It’s not the same as a Shabbos Kiddush, but we look forward to it and it keeps us connected on a weekly basis.

We’ve also had a few Zoom life cycle events. We’ve had a vort, a wedding, and unfortunately there have been levayas and shiva visits. Of course it’s not the same as the in-person equivalents, but it does enable a degree of connect to the baal simcha or aveilah.

Another use of Zoom is for our daily Shacharis minyan. Someone davens, saying every brocha and the beginning and ending of every paragraph out loud. There are no Devarim Shel Kedusha as it is not a halachic minyan. We pace it consistently and many people have found it very helpful for their Kavana.

This cycle of the Daf Yomi has seen two major changes. More people in our Shul are learning the Daf and the OU Daf app (https://alldaf.org/) has been a tremendous additional asset. All of our Shul Daf Yomi shiurim are functioning on Zoom. Despite the availability of the OU Daf resources, people like their shiur leaders and their chaburas, and continue to attend them on Zoom. We’ve also continued all our weekly shiurim, given by members of our shul via Zoom.

Perhaps the most impactful use of Zoom has been our Rav’s online Zoom shiurim. He gives shiurim from Sunday to Thursday at 7:30 p.m. for about 30 minutes. We get very nice attendance and it’s a real chizuk to see many fellow members on a regular basis. At the end of the shiur we unmute everybody and we shmoose for a few minutes with the Rav greeting everybody in attendance. It’s a great experience and I wonder how we’ll use Zoom to supplement the live shiurim when we return.

We anxiously await returning to Shul, but we’re thankful that Hashem has provided us with the Zoom refuah in the face of our quarantine machala.

Love Amidst the Quarantine

We’re not in our Shuls, but we’re in Sefirah, where we’re working on the mitzvos between man and man. The foundational mitzvah between man and man is to “Love our Neighbors as Ourselves”.

A good friend, who runs a Dveikus Foundations WhatsApp group, recently taught that the Sefer Charedim, the author of Yedid Nefesh, and a contemporary of the Ari in Safed, lists eight components of this mitzvah:

1) To praise and compliment people
2) To be concerned about their finances
3) To desire that they get respect and honor
4) To love and have compassion for them
5) To proactively seek out their benefit
6) To be genuinely happy when good things happen to them
7) To be pained when they are in distress
8) To speak calmly to them with love and respect

Eight wonderful opportunities to Love our Neighbors as Ourselves.

This Thursday, many members of our Shul will share in the joy of a well-loved family, as they walk their daughter down the aisle in a quarantine-time wedding. We share their joy, and we feel the pain of their limited celebration. They express their love to us in so many ways, and we return that love in our hearts and in our souls on this day of brocha.

Mazal Tov to the S family. May we continue to share love, simchos, and nachas from all of our children, relatives and friends.

Making Your Shaloch Manos Count

In his sefer, “Getting to Know Your Soul”, Rav Itamar Schwartz discusses the thirteen faculties of the soul according to Rav Hai Gaon. The 7th of these faculties is Chessed or Kindness. Chessed is the physical act, but the goal of chessed is love. Yet feeling love is not the ultimate goal. It is a means of achieving something deeper – a sense of unity between the one who loves and the beloved.

We know the pasuk teaches “The world is built on kindness”. The simple meaning is that the the world cannot survive unless people help each other, which is certainly true. On a deeper level, we know Hashem created the world in order to bestow goodness on his creations. Thus, when we say that “the world is build on kindness”, we also mean that the world was created in order for the Creator to bestow kindness. On the other hand there is a pasuk that says “On that day, Hashem will be one and His name will be one”, implying that the goal of Creation is the revelation of Hashem’s oneness. Which is the goal – kindness or oneness? In fact, one complements the other. We are taught in sefarim, that Hashem’s ultimate kindness is identical with the revelation of His oneness.

For us, if chessed is only about giving, it’s a precious quality, but not the root of them all. The real power of chessed is its power of unifying the world into one cohesive entity.

On Purim, we have two mitzvos of kindness, Matanos L’evyonim and Shaloch Manos. When we give our Shaloch Manos, we can try to think about the connection we are making, and that it is a facet of the deep connection, which is love. The more we focus on the love inherit in our giving, the more we can do our part in building the unity that will herald the day when “Hashem will be one and His name will be one”. Chag Purim Samayach!

Connecting at the Superbowl Party

Two of the most central commandments of the Torah are “Love Hashem” and “Love Your Fellow as Yourself”. Love consists of developing a deep connection to another. With Hashem we develop that deep connection by thinking of Him when we perform mitzvos. With our fellow humans, we develop that deep connection by appreciating their good qualities, praying with them, learning with them, helping them physically, financially and emotionally, and spending time with them.

Which brings us to the Superbowl Party. Many Rebbeim that I know feel that it’s ok to watch the Superbowl as long as you click it off during the commercials and the halftime show. In our hectic world, we need some down time, and watching sports is one of the more acceptable leisure activities. The Superbowl party adds the dimension of sharing some quality time with our friends. It’s a nice venue in that there are lots of opportunities to talk and connect during this 4 hour event with the game providing a good backdrop for small talk.

Attending the Superbowl Party is certainly not a positive commandment. However, if you focus on deepening your love and friendships, then the Superbowl Party, or any social event for the matter, is an opportunity to fulfill the mitzvah of “Love Your Fellow as Yourself”. And it doesn’t matter who wins.

Connecting to Your Baal Tefillah

It’s not uncommon for people to have an opinion about the Baal Tefillah. He’s going to slow. He’s going to fast. He’s singing too much. He’s not singing enough. He’s putting on a performance. He’s not inspiring the Tzibbur. These opinions take on different intensities depending on whether it’s Yomim Noraim, Yom Tov, Shabbos or during the week.

In the secular world, everybody is entitled to their opinion, but in the Torah world our goal is to work towards the day when “Hashem is One and His Name is One”. If we are not united as a people, we will not reach that goal. Everyday time we have a negative opinion of the Baal Tefillah we disrupt the spiritual unity of the Shul at some level, even if we don’t express it.

Here are a few Baalei Tefillah prototypes. We might disagree with them, but if we consider that this may be where our Baal Tefillah is coming from, it can lessen our frustration and the resulting dis-unity.

1) The Quick davener is trying to get the repetition over with as soon as possible.

2) The Slow davener is following the halacha of not “throwing” a blessing from his mouth, rather he is concentrating and making the blessing calmly.

3) The Inspirational davener is here to inspire and will sing many nigunim.

4) The Non Inspirational davener wants to daven the best that he can to help lift all the prayers to Shemayim.

5) The Performing davener is using his G-d given talents to inspire to help lift the prayers.

6) The Pareve davener is only up there because the Gabbai asked him and he’s doing the best he can.

The Torah wants us to to give the Baal Tefillah the benefit of the doubt and keep connected to him. If you want to take the next step, you can follow the halacha and follow along with the Baal Tefillah and answer Amen to each brocha.

Klal Yisroel needs all our prayers, here’s one small step to make them better.

Chessed, Gratitude and Love

In his sefer “Getting to Know Your Soul”, Rav Itamar Shwartz, the author of the Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh teaches us some important lessons about Chessed:

“Love has three layers in the soul. The outermost layer is chessed (kindness), the middle layer is ahavah (love), and the innermost layer is echad (unity)…The real significance of chessed is its power of unifying the world into one cohesive unit…An act of giving is not chessed unless there is some love in it, either an expression of existing love, or the intent to foster love.”

Rav Shwartz also points out that every act has both lishma (pure) and lo lishma (alterior) motives. We should focus on the lishma components of our acts to strengthen that component. I think we can add that we should also focus on the lishma components of the acts of others. If we do this, accompanied by a feeling or showing of gratitude, we can build love and create deeper unity between ourselves and our fellow Jews.

I send out the davening times for my daily minyan every two months. It takes about 5 minutes and I usually don’t get a response from any of the recipients, nor do I expect one. However this week, as I was marinating this post in my head, I received a thank you from someone in the minyan. It was nice and I felt the love. I also took it as a sign that the message in this post is on target.

Have a Happy Gratitude Day!

The Struggle to Minimize Machlokes

Hashem wants us to achieve some very specific things, one of which is “walking in his ways”. The Ramchal explains, based on Mishna 2.1 in Avos, that our actions should lead to true good, namely, strengthening of Torah and the advancement of friendship. Anything that connects people is good and anything that separates people is bad.

This leads to one of the primary Shul principles, which is minimizing machlokes. I was tested by this on two separate occasions recently where people came with what I call a reasonably unreasonable request. From their perspective it was perfectively reasonable, but from a Shul perspective it was slightly unreasonable. Both of them threatened to go to the Rav to get a Psak in their favor. Although the Rav might bring up an issue with me, he would never issue a Psak overriding an operational decision. However, the Rav’s guidance in many Shul matters often has the minimizing machlokes principle at its root.

My difficult task was to not be offended by their threat to get an overriding Psak. I couldn’t even tell them that the Rav would not override a decision. My job was to try to satisfy their request, with a smile, even if it was slightly unreasonable. I was fairly successful in one situation, probably because it came through email and I resisted the urge to respond until I could resolve it in the person’s favor. In a face to face situation, I was only partially successful, because the audacity of the psak override threat got the best of me.

Hashem wants us to connect. Hashem wants us to be united. This is why minimizing the divisive effects of machlokes is a primary Shul Policy.

One last point to note is that sometimes a decision must be made which will upset someone, creating a slight machlokes. However we must still strive to minimize the occurrence and degree of any machlokes. It’s not always easy because emotions often come into play, but the more we can internalize the principle the better chance we will have of implementing it and fulfilling Hashem’s directive.

All You Need is Love

When discussing revenges and grudges in the chapter on Cleanliness (Nekiyus), the Mesillas Yesharim says that the Yetzer Hara inflames the heart of a person about past wrongs done to him. This makes it very difficult to totally forgive a person. Therefore the Torah comes immediately after the verse prohibiting revenge and bearing a grudge with the all-encompassing rule of “You shall love your fellow as yourself”. As yourself with no differences, with no distinctions, exactly as yourself.

If we focus on loving people and connecting to them in our actions and in our hearts, we can accept the imperfections and mistakes of others. Shuls provide many opportunities to put this Torah principle into action. On occasion a phone will go off during a shiur or during davening. Most people refrain from saying something, but perhaps a fleeting thought questioning the person’s technical prowess enters the mind. The solution to overcome any negative thoughts is to love this fellow Jew. Even to the point of feeling his embarassment over the small disturbance the phone created.

We can take this principle a step further and apply it to the father with the crying baby. We can change “What was he thinking?”, to “Most of the time babies behave in Shul”. We know that this is not easy, as the Ramchal said, our natural inclination is be negative and judge and react infavorably towards people. Thankfully we have the Torah which gives us the rules and the tools to use these challenges to become bigger.

Elul is starting and we can use these small interpersonal disturbances as growth opportunities in preparation for the day when Hashem will judge us for our shortcomings. In the words of a modern day poet – “All you need is love”.

The Sensitive Issue of the Private Kiddush

Here are some private kiddush scenarios:

You just had a baby girl and you want to make a nice hot kiddush. On a given Shabbos about 200 people come to Shul and you must use an approved caterer for a hot kiddush, which will set you back over $1,000, which is not in your budget. So you chose to have a private kiddush in your home. The cost is at least half the price, and although it might be more crowded, it’s also more intimate and personable. The problem is that people who did not get a personal invite might be offended, which is the opposite of your intent in throwing the kiddush and sharing the Simcha.

When I was in Ramat Beit Shemesh a few years back, my friend’s Shul had a small kiddush after davening. The participants would rotate bringing small snacks and a bottle for a L’chaim. Although anybody could join, the group was about 10-15 men, and was somewhat exclusionary.

In our Shul, we’ll occasionally get together for a l’chaim and some chips and dips after davening. We once had a 10 minute kiddush, with a l’chaim, 2 divrei Torah, and some light food. These impromptu kiddushim are open to everybody, but because of their nature, invitations are usually extended to a small group.

A few years ago, our second cousin’s family spent their last Shabbos in Kew Gardens Hills, before they make Aliyah. We decided to make a kiddush in our home for their friends at the Yeshiva where he was learning. It’s not Shul related at all. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody got slightly upset, because they heard we had a kiddush and didn’t extend an invitation to them.

In the above scenarios the participants have a right to make a kiddush, but nonetheless people do get offended. Most people get past it, as they do if they’re not invited to a Bar Mitzvah or Chasanah, but it’s unfortunate that in the friendship building Shul environment, some connections get weakened in these private kiddush scenarios.

The Miracle of Shalosh Seudos

Chanukah is a time when we focus on Hashem’s miracles and offer Hallel and Hodaah, Praise and Thanks, for those miracles. As we know, the Al HaNissim addition for Chanukah is inserted in Modim in the Shomoneh Esrai.

In the regular Modim we thank Hashem “for Your Nesecha, that are with us every day.” Nesecha is usually translated as miracles. How many of us can honestly say that Hashem performed miracle for us today? That’s why I like to translate “Nesecha” as “Your signs”. There are many signs of Hashem’s existence and His love for us, such as Torah, nature, the existence of the Jewish People, and more. The problem is that it’s often difficult to see Hashem behind these common signs, so once a year we focus on the uncommon signs, the Miracles of Chanukah. When we clearly see Hashem’s love on Chanukah, we express our love through Hallel and Hodaah.

Shalosh Seudos is like a hidden miracle. Every week people come down after Mincha. There are tables set. Food on display. Just wash and dig in. It’s easy to miss that there were people who ordered the food. People who arranged the tables. People who put out the food. People who will clean up. And these people do it because they care about, and love, the members of the Shul.

In the silent Modim we are supposed to recognize Hashem’s love and connect back to Him with feelings and expression of love. Here too, we can connect back in our hearts (or with words), with love, to the people in the Shul who show they care about us. That is the goal of recognizing the Miracle of Shalosh Seudos.

Touched by an Act of Love

Many years ago I adopted the practice of using a standard table shtender during davening. I flip it on its side when davening Shemoneh Esrai. My weekday shtender costed $12 and is made of plain wood. After using it for a number of years, it falls apart often and I have to put it back together.

This week when I walked into Shul, I saw that my davening neighbor had gone through the trouble of glueing the shtender back together. I was touched and thanked him a number of times. We’ve been sitting next to each other for years, we exchange “Have a good day” goodbyes when we leave, we’ve invited each other to our weddings, but I’m calling this an act of love.

Love is a having a deep connection to another. We can talk about the love we have towards our spouses, our children, our parents, our siblings, our extended family, and our close friends. But in reality, we have an obligation to love every Jew, that is to feel a deep connect to every Jew. Rabbi Dessler says we can increase our love by giving, and Rabbi Noach Weinberg of Aish HaTorah recommends developing love by focusing on the positive aspects of each fellow Jew.

So my davening neighbor went out of his way to fix my shtender, beyond the call of normal Shul behavior, and I was truly touched by this act of love. If I can prevent this act from receeding into the backyards of my memory, I can continue to deepen my emotional connection to my neighbor. May we all be zoche to transform our acts of kindness into acts of love and connection.

The Real Problem of No-Frills Davening

This post is a followup to the No-Frills Davening post. No-Frills Davening is the phenomena where people join and attend Shuls on Shabbos for davening alone. What could be wrong with that? Shuls are built as places to daven. To answer this question we have to take a step back to look at the goals of Judaism.

The goals of Judaism are to create three types of connection: 1) the connection of our body and soul; 2) a connection to Hashem; 3) connections of ourselves with other people. Body and soul connection is achieved by learning and following the Torah’s prescription of how to act, feel and think from a spiritual perspective as we navigate our lives in this physical world. Connection to Hashem is achieved through serving Him via the mitzvos and through prayer. Connection to others is achieved by diminishing and overcoming our egocentric perspective and helping, seeing the good, speaking well of, and giving honor to our fellow Jews.

Although the Shul is a place where we connect to Hashem via prayers, it is also a place where we connect to our fellow Jews. Connecting to people requires us to go beyond the comfort zone of our family and close friends, and dealing with people who are not such close friends, who have different views than us, who might sometimes rub us the wrong way. And it takes work because we have to put aside our ego and individual perspective to accommodate the perspectives, needs, and personalities of others. Many people don’t enjoy this and therefore seek a no-frills, no-conflict, no-accommodation-required environment. But if we are to grow as individuals and collectively as a community and a people we need to get our hands dirty and constructively deal with these differences and conflicts.

The world is becoming a much more polarized place and as inhabitants we are affected by this division. The Torah gives us the prescription to eliminate polarization and that is through connection. Hashgacha has placed us in Shuls where we have the challenge and opportunity to do the real work of creating connections and a true unity. No-Frills Davening is harmful because it keeps us in our comfort zone and prevents us from creating the connections which are a major component of our purpose in the world.

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The Importance of Developing Emotional Connections

The Need For Emotional Connection
The Mesillas Yesharim teaches us that the basis of our Service of Hashem, is Deutoronomy 10:12 in Parshas Eikev: “And now, Israel, what does Hashem, your God, ask of you?
– Only to fear (be in awe of) Hashem, your God,
– to go in all His ways,
– and to love Him,
– and to serve Hashem, your God, with all your heart and all your soul,
– to observe the commandments of Hashem and His decrees, which I command you today, for your benefit.

We are quite good at observing the commandments, but many of us have trouble with the emotional component, specifically that of loving Hashem. We know we are supposed to love Hashem, but do we actually experience that love emotionally?

Without a strong emotional connection to Hashem and Torah, our mitzvos become rote, our davening becomes rushed, and we look to our possessions, our vacations, our vocations, and the worlds of sports, entertainment, and social media for emotional stimulation. It’s very likely that the spiritual malaise effecting large segments of our community is a result of a lack of a strong emotional connection to Hashem and Torah.

How Can We Develop Love
Rabbi Yitzchok Kirzner zt”l taught that to develop our Love of Hashem, we should work on Loving Our Fellow Jew, which is a commandment in its own right.

Love means to have a strong emotional connection. Most people have a strong emotional connection with their spouses, their children and their parents. But when we walk into Shul, with how many people do we actually feel a strong emotional connection?

To develop our love of our fellow Jews, we have to identify and relate to their positive qualities. One such quality is that at the root of every Jew is a pure spiritual soul. Every Jew is part of the collective soul of the Jewish people which unites us all. Every Jew is a child of Hashem and is loved by Hashem. Every Jew in our community places a part in creating an environment where we can grow through Torah and Mitzvos. And every Jew in our minyan, is instrumental in increasing the likelihood that Hashem will accept our Tefillos. We’ve identified a few positive qualities that give us the ammunition to develop our love.

Having identified the positive qualities, we have to actively and repeatedly think about that we love our fellow Jews because of their qualities. Thinking that we love someone is instrumental in actually developing that love. We shouldn’t be sidetrack by the fact that we love our spouses, children and parents more then our Shul members. We are obligated to love every Jew and each Jew has inherent positive qualities that form the foundation of love.

Actively thinking about our love of our fellow Jews is critical to developing that emotional capacity – and using it to love Hashem. So on a regular basis we can look around our Shul, and think about how we love this person, and that person, etc..

Loving Hashem
When we develop the practice of experiencing emotional love on a regular basis, we can then use that capability to Love Hashem. Our prayer books are filled with praise of the positive qualities of Hashem which give us many reasons to love Him. We have to actively think about how we love Hashem. It’s not enough to know it intellectually, we have to develop that love, by regularly thinking how we love Hashem.

It’s interesting that Chazal have put a special focus in the Three Weeks on developing a Love of our Fellow Jews. This is followed by the month of Elul, where we focus on Love of Hashem as indicated by ‘Ani L’Dodi V’Dodi Li’ – ‘I am for My Beloved and My Beloved is for Me’. Loving people and loving Hashem are commandments that are achievable. We can start on the right track every day in Shul with thoughts of Love. Don’t worry, nobody will know, but don’t be surprised if we start feeling them loving us back.

The Primary Shul Policy – Minimizing Machlokes

As we’ve discussed in the past, Hashem wants us to achieve some very specific things, one of which is “walking in his ways”. The Ramchal explains, based on Mishna 2.1 in Avos, that our actions should lead to true good, namely, strengthening of Torah and the advancement of friendship. Anything that connects people is good and anything that separates people is bad.

This leads to the primary Shul policy, which is minimizing machlokes.

The minimizing machlokes policy is not obvious or simple. My Rav lives by it and his guidance in Shul matters often has this principle at its root.

I remember an issue many years ago when two people in the Shul were having a disagreement. It was clear that one party was much more in the right. However the other party was significantly upset about the matter, so my marching orders were to try and appease the significantly upset person.

Hashem wants us to connect. Hashem wants us to be unitied. This is why minimizing the divisive effects of machlokes is the primary Shul Principle.

One last point to note is that sometimes an unavoidable decision must be made which will upset someone, creating a slight machlokes. However we must still strive to minimize the occurrence and degree of any machlokes. It’s not always easy because emotions often come into play, but the more we can internalize the principle the better chance we will have of implementing it and fulfilling Hashem’s directive.

Sharing the Joy: Your Shul and Your Wedding

The wedding of your children is one of life’s most joyous occasions. It’s a wondrous celebration and you only want to share the joy, but resource limitations force most people to make some hard choices.

Soon after the engagement is announced, the search for a hall begins, requiring an estimated guest count. After tabulating family, neighbors and other must-invites, attention turns to the Shul list and the unenviable selection task. Your closest friends and those you don’t really know are easy decisions, it’s the middle group that’s difficult. If you’ve been invited to a previous simcha, reciprocity should be considered, and for the rest of the members you need to make your choices, and hope those that you couldn’t invite will understand the financial realities behind your decision.

About a month before the simcha, the invitations usually go out. Many of your invitees will not be prompt in their response and then you have to decide if, and whom, you’re going to call for followup. A day or two before the wedding comes the last prep task, seating and creating the table cards. For family, neighbors and some friends, we assigned specific tables, but for the Shul members on the men’s side, we assigned them all to the same table number, let them choose their own seats in that table pool. I wanted to do that for the ladies, but the idea was vetoed.

The day of the wedding itself is indescribably exciting. If your friends enjoy good beverages, you might want to be involved in the selection even though it’s traditionally the role of the groom’s side. You’ll be preoccupied at the Chuppah, so you might want to ask a friend to take some snaps of the ceremony, so you can relive the event before the photographer’s proofs arrive.

The 25-30 minute first dance usually begins (in the New York area), 3 hours after the beginning of Kabbolas HaPanim (aka the shmorg), and is one the centerpieces of the wedding, so you’ll want to make the most of it. After the initial dancing with the chosson, close family and Rebbeim, the breakaway Shul dance circle will form. Most of your friends will want to share a short dance with you, but most won’t initiate it, so reach for their hand and pull them into the center. Try to make each dance short, so that you can include as many people as possible. Pace yourself, because if you’re not in shape, 25 minutes of fast dancing can take it’s toll.

You should be aware that most of your Shul friends will leave after the meal and not stay for the second dance, which is meant for the friends of the Chosson and Kallah. It’s an amazing night, so enjoy and share the joy.

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From Me to Hashem via You

The Ramchal in Derech Hashem lays out our purpose in life. We are born with a primarily self-centered orientation and our mission is to transform ourselves into Hashem-centered people. Improving our character traits (middos) helps us break our self-centered orientation, while doing mitzvos helps us develop a Hashem-centered orientation.

From Rosh Hoshana thru Yom Kippur, since Hashem, Our King, is so prominent, we can accomplish more in the way of Hashem-centeredness. To really take advantage of this we need to break our self-centeredness through middos development.

In the Mesillas Yesharim, the Ramchal lists the four middos which need the most work: Pride, Anger, Envy and Desire for honor and money. All these middos involve other people, and we need to turn down the volume on our perspective and turn up the volume on the other person’s perspective. To the degree we do this and diminsh our self-centerness, is the degree to which we can make Hashem our King and the central force in our lives.

The people we meet in Shul give us many opportunities to diminish our self-centeredness and make Hashem and His mitzvos the focus of our lives. Elul is a great time to take advantage of these opportunities as we travel from Me to Hashem Via You.

Everyday Connection Building

Our purpose in life is connection. To connect to Hashem. To connect to our souls. To connect to other people. These are connections of the heart -meaning they need to be internalized. This takes work and time and we must continually try to deepen these connections.

I was talking to a friend and he said that when he walks into certain Shuls he doesn’t feel comfortable. Sometimes because he had a bad experience and sometimes because the people did not seem so friendly. That’s understandable, however I asked him to look at it from a different perspective.

There are 7.5 billion people in the world, about 15 million Jews, and about 3 million Orthodox Jews. That means only .04% (4 out of every 10,000) of the world’s population are trying to connect to Hashem through following the Torah.

When you walk into any Shul all the people there are a part of this small special group on this special mission. Focusing on that thought when we enter a Shul, focuses on the positive in the group and deepens our connection to them.

Due to the way we are created, with egos, we have a tendency to focus on the negative in people. However, it is only by focusing on the positive that we build connections. I’m not saying that we should be Pollyannas and ignore the issues, but rather that our main focus should be on the positive.

My friend tried the above suggestion the next time he entered a previously uncomfortable Shul, and he said it made a noticeable difference. Focus on the positive in people, it’s what Hashem wants, and it markedly improves our life.

Pesach, People and Prayers

A number of years ago, a friend bought us a big mural for our Succah that depicted the approach to the Beis HaMikdash during Yom Tov. That image, coupled with memories of tunnel tours and visiting the Old City, paints a picture in my mind of what it will be like when we all gather in Yerushalayim during the Yom Tovim when the Beis HaMikdash is rebuilt. We will have an amazing opportunity for collective spiritual growth.

We needn’t wait for Moshiach to experience some of this. In fact the Ramban writes at the end of Parshas Bo: ”And the purpose of raising our voices in prayer and the purpose of Shuls and the merit of communal prayer is that people should have a place where they can gather and acknowledge that G-d created them and caused them to be and they can publicize this and declare before Him, “We are your creations”.

Every Yom Tov we have the opportunity to experience this growth and particularly on Pesach with its multitude of Hallels. If we can put a little bit of focus into our recitation of Hallel, including the half-Hallels of Chol HaMoed, we can benefit greatly from the Yom Tov, even absent the Beis HaMikdash.

Another major part of Yom Tov is the unity that comes from being with our fellow Jews. On the Yom Tovim millions of Jews will gather together in Yerushalayim. The resulting unity is another key component of growth. We can get a taste of this unity in our Shuls on Yom Tov with all our fellow members and their guests.

Rabbi Yitzchak Kirzner, zt”l, who I had the privilege to learn from for a number of years, said that “All of life is a challenge of not being distracted from the greatness that we can be”. Yom Tov gives us special opportunity to focus on our people and our prayers and thereby grow in our collective greatness.

Chag Kosher V’Someach

Connection In and Out of Town

The Maharal in his commentary on Avos (6:1) says that happiness flows from completeness, just as grief is the result of loss and deficiency. One of the things that make us feel complete is connecting to the people in a community. I spent last Shabbos out-of-town and the degree of connection among the members was palpable. In an out-of-town shul or community each person’s contribution is needed more, leading to a greater sense of connection. This is a great benefit of an out-of-town community.

Connection and happiness can be improved in any community. Rav Itamar Shwartz, the author of the popular Bilvavi and Da Es seforim, teaches the goal of chesed is to increase our connection to others. There are many opportunities to give in our Shuls, on an institutional or personal level. In my morning minyan, there is a gentleman who moves the talaisim from storage to each person’s seat. This act creates an unbelievable bond between him and the members. We can all look for opportunities to do these acts of chesed, thereby increasing our connection to others.

In addition to acts of kindness, we can also create connections in our minds and hearts. On the flight home, I was on a small 240 seat plane and there were 11 orthodox Jews who all happened to be sitting in the last 3 rows. As we took off I observed several of them saying Tehillim and/or Tefillas HaDerech. At that point I felt a strong connection to a group that was collectively acknowledging our Creator. As the Ramban at the end of Parsha Bo writes “the purpose of raising our voices in prayer and the purpose of Shuls and the merit of communal prayer is that people should have a place where they can gather and acknowledge that G-d created them and caused them to be and they can publicize this and declare before Him, ‘We are your creations’”.

Our purpose in life is to connect to G-d and to connect to other people with our thoughts, emotions and actions. In the process, we increase our happiness and more importantly take a step towards that day when “Hashem will be One and His Name will be One”.

The Purpose of Life and Shuls

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A few weeks ago, I wrote that the biggest challenge of Judaism is that a lot is expected of us. As it says in Devarim (10:12-13) we should 1) fear God, 2) walk in His ways, 3) love God, 4) serve Him with all our heart and all our soul and 5) observe all the mitzvos that he has commanded. The Ramchal makes clear in Mesillas Yesharim that this is not just a challenge, rather serving and developing a deep connection to God is in fact the purpose of our lives.

American-style Shuls with their strong chesed and friendship components give us the opportunity to advance in all five of the above components. The key to advancing is being conscious of our purpose as stated above, and using the many opportunities that come our way every single day in the form of mitzvos and interactions with people.

Let’s look at number 2, “walking in his ways”. The Ramchal writes about this: “Our Sages of blessed memory have thus summarized the idea (Avoth 2.1): “All that is praiseworthy in its doer and brings praise to him from others;” that is, all that leads to the end of true good, namely, strengthening of Torah and furthering of brotherliness”.

As an example, vorts of Shul members and their children provide a tremendous opportunity to further brotherliness, especially when they require a significant amount of time and travel. The Ramchal warns about a primary deterrent to availing ourselves of this purpose-fulfilling opportunity – that old nemesis: laziness. We don’t often think of going to an out-of-community vort as a life-purpose fulfilling event, but it is and if we become conscious of that fact – then we have a chance of overcoming the laziness deterrent, with a little help from Waze.

Torah observant Jews have the tremendous opportunity to live a constantly vibrant and purpose-filled life and our Shuls provide a tremendous vehicle to transform the challenges of serving God to the opportunities and fulfillment of that service.

Beyond a Better Lifestyle

I’m not happy about my “Making Shabbos Morning Greating Again” post from last week. For starters the term, “halachically permitted discourse between aliyos”, was ambiguous and possibly misleading. To set the record straight the Shulchan Aruch, Rema and Mishna Berurah are pretty clear that you should not talk between aliyos. The Aruch HaShulchan, however, says you can talk about any subject. Our Shul has recently adopted a middle position in which only Divrei Torah are permitted.

The bigger problem is that I fell into a common trap of viewing Judaism as a good lifestyle choice. I like my Shul because it works for me. Great people, a great Rav, short-enough davening, decent kiddushes. There’s nothing inherently wrong with a person enjoying his Shul and his Torah lifestyle. The ways of Torah are pleasant and we should enjoy the lifestyle it presents. The problem is when we view a better lifestyle as the goal of our Judaism.

The goal of Judaism is for us to develop a deep connection with God, and that connection will last for eternity. We create that connection thought learning Torah, doing mitzvos, davening, helping others and improving our middos. God expects a lot because each one of us can reach high levels of connection. To move towards our potential we need to make continual improvement in the above mentioned areas our major focus in life.

When our Rabbi makes a decision to strengthen our halachic observance through some policy, “Not loving it” is a poor response. We should embrace the opportunity to get closer to Hashem through the new practice. Shabbos morning and the other times and places in our life are great for one simple reason, they present us with many opportunities to forge a stronger connection with Hashem. Let’s try to take advantage of these opportunities.

Dealing With Inherent Conflicts

I have about 3 minutes for a drasha at the Hashkama minyan this Shabbos, so here are the 441 words I plan on saying.

Korach is the parsha of Machlokes or conflict. The Gemora in Sanhedrin 110a says:
The Torah states: “Moshe rose and went to Dasan and Aviram” – Reish Lakish said: From here we learn that one should not persist in a quarrel. For Rav said: Whoever persists in a quarrel violates a prohibition as it is stated: “He should not be like Korach and his Assembly”.

Hashem created the world with conflict. The most fundamental conflict is between our physical side which includes our desires and ego, taiva and gaiva, and our spiritual side, our soul, composed of our nefesh, ruach, and neshama. Dr. Dovid Lieberman phrases this conflict as “the body wants to do what feels good, the ego wants to do what looks good, and the soul wants to do what is good”.

Torah is the antidote for the man vs himself conflict – as it teaches us how to properly integrate all our actions, emotions and thoughts with our soul.

When Hashem created us as Tzelem Elokim he gave us the ability to create our own spiritual reality and become a creator like He is a Creator. This creates a conflict between ourselves as creators and Hashem as Creator.

We address the man vs God conflict through prayer in which we regularly acknowledge that all our accomplishments are dependent on Hashem.

The third conflict is man vs man. In the Mesillas Yesharim Chapter 11 on Nekiyus, the Ramchal discusses the big four negative character traits of pride, anger, envy and honor – which are all rooted in gaiva. The Ramchal says “a person would be able to overcome his desire for wealth and the other pleasures and still be pressed by the desire for honor, for he cannot endure seeing himself as inferior to his friends”.

The antidote for the man vs man conflict is Gemilas Chasadim. When we give to another person we connect to them and we no longer view our relationship from the ego perspective of superiority and inferiority, which is at the root of the big bad four.

One final helpful piece of advice from Rabbi Itamar Schwartz author of the Bilvavi and the Da Es Atzmecha seforim. He says that we need to change our perspective from a body with a soul – to a soul clothed with a body – which takes mental work, given that we experience the world primarily through our bodies. The nature of spiritual souls is to connect whereas the body and ego cause desire, division and sadness.

We can’t eliminate the world’s inherent conflicts, but we can lessen their divisive effects and work on the connection generating properties of our spiritual soul-oriented world.

The Meaningful Act of Just Showing Up

My oldest daughter and son-in-law were blessed with the birth of their first child, a baby boy on Shabbos of Parsha Vayigash, which also brought with it the blessings of a Shabbos Bris. A Shabbos Bris is an amazing event consisting of a family meal, a Shalom Zucher, Shabbos Davening, the Bris, a Kiddush, a Seudas Mitzvah Lunch and the rest of Shabbos. It’s even more festive than a Shabbos Sheva Brochos.

Shalom Zucherim, Brissim, Kiddushim are tremendous opportunities to deepen our connections to our friends and all it takes is just showing up. Through the various activities I continually thought, “How nice it is that he stopped by?”. Some people just poked their head in for a second at the Shalom Zucher. The effort to leave the comforts of home on Shabbos night, just to say hi, made an impression. My closest friends came to three or four of the activities. It meant a lot to me. That’s the stuff great friendships are made of.

I also had the pleasure to attend two vorts this week. Local vorts are often attendance no-brainers. It’s the longer distance vorts which create the growth opportunities. “I don’t have that much time to spare.” “We’re not that close.” “I’ll probably be invited to to the wedding.” These are all good excuses, but the meaningfulness of the act is proportionate to the effort. Long distance and time consuming attendance shows that you care. And the people on the receiving end really appreciate it.

We’re busy. We’re distracted. We’re sometimes lazy. It’s hard to go to all the things that we know we should. That’s why we can be pretty sure that the meaningful act of just showing up brings the rewards of deeper connections in this world and the rewards of being a chesed personality in the next.

Ruach in the Mountains at Camp Dina

My daughter is working at Camp Dina in the Poconos this summer and my son-in-law is driving the younger kids of the staff to Camp Dora Golding, the companion boys camp. I was very happy that they got away, but there was a tinge of sadness because I would barely see my grandson. When the text came in that we could come up for Shabbos I was overjoyed and excited about some new Shul experiences.

Since we ate our meals in the cabin, we didn’t experience the renowned girl’s camp dining room ruach. Fortunately, it did spilled over into the 20 member male staff and spouse minyan. It began with a spirited all-hands-on-board Chatzi-Carlebach Kabbalos Shabbos. Everybody sang and it rocked the dual purpose shul and music room.

Shacharis had a lazy summer day start, and when I asked what time was Boruchu, I was kindheartedly informed, “whenever we get to it”. The Baalei Tefillah for both Shacharis and Mussaf were excellent. It was fascinating that they had so many good Baalei Tefillah among the 20 males. Those who read the Torah were all well prepared. Unfortunately, the camp Rabbi did not give a drasha, but I spent some great time talking to him about his Kiruv Shul experiences in Irvine, California.

The kiddush after davening was amazing. The shnapps were good, and I’m not a big herring fan, but the ruach carried on. There were a number of spirited zemiros sung during the take it slow kiddush. And to top it off, there were a few Dvar Torahs. Everybody was very friendly. It was great Shabbos morning.

I was prepared for a great Shul experience with a focus on connection, and the Ruach in the Mountain Minyans truly exceeded even my optimistic expectations.

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Appreciating Fast Minyanim

In a previous post, I discussed the Matzah Minyan which allegedly finishes an entire weekday Shacharis is 18 minutes. After reading the article, a friend made some good points about faster davening, which I would like to discuss along with a few points of my own.

Everybody approaches davening in a unique way. I started davening when I was in my twenties and I took it seriously from the start. Even though I’ve worked hard on improving over the years, I still have so far to go in terms of my pronunciation, concentration and understanding. It’s a lifelong pursuit.

People who started davening before their Bar Mitzvah established patterns when they were young. These patterns can be hard to change. Some worked on it more seriously in their late teens and 20s, some in midlife, and some even later. Between the different starting points and different rates of change, we have a wide range of davening speeds and styles, but it’s probably safe to say that we all can improve in this area.

Those committed to a daily minyan have made a serious commitment to their davening. Not everyone takes the trouble to daven every day with a minyan and those that do realize that it will positively affect their davening. It’s no small thing, no matter how fast the minyan or the daveners.

How fast the davening should be in a given minyan filled with a wide range of preferences is not a simple decision. The rule of thumb is probably that it should be as fast as it was yesterday. Hopefully we can find a way to collectively work on improving, but until then the slower daveners can come early and leave late and figure out the proper pace in order to start the Shemoneh Esrai with the Shliach Tzibbur. We’re all in this together and that’s the point that makes us a Tzibbur.

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Improving Our Shul Maps By Choosing Connection Over Estrangement

The father of general semantics, Alford Korzybski stated, “A map is not the territory it represents, but if correct, it has a similar structure to the territory, which accounts for its usefulness”. What this means is that our perception of reality is not reality itself but our own version of it, or our “map”.

This message was brought home last week in a short introductory speech at our Shul’s Simcha Beis HaShoeva. I made a positive statement about the Shul, and a friend questioned that statement. I explained that my statement reflected my experience, and I was sorry that his differed and he didn’t share my positive views regarding this issue.

Later in the week, I re-read a piece that I had seen a number of times by Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe z”tl about connection and estrangement. Here is an excerpt from Sara Yocheved Rigler’s take on the topic:

According to Rabbi Wolbe, there are two parallel universes: the World of Connection and the World of Estrangement. These are two completely separate worlds. The World of Connection is characterized by love, joy, tranquility, optimism, harmony, generosity, faith in God, etc., while the World of Estrangement is characterized by animosity, anger, resentment, anxiety, sadness, criticism, worry, fear, etc. When we are feeling critical, we cannot feel love.

Although a person can flip from one world to the other very quickly, no one can be in both worlds at the same time, just as when looking at a Rubin vase, one can see either the white vase or the two black profiles facing each other, but not both simultaneously. Human beings are neurologically wired so that we cannot see the vase and the profiles at the same time. Human beings are spiritually wired so that we cannot be in the World of Connection and the World of Estrangement at the same time. When we are feeling joy, we cannot feel fear. When we are feeling critical, we cannot feel love. When we are feeling resentful, we cannot feel tranquil.

Making worthwhile changes to a Shul takes time and effort, but we can change our individual Shul experience at each moment by choosing connection over estrangement. We enter the world of estrangement by criticizing, getting angry, speaking loshon hora or judging negatively. However, we can choose to enter the world of connection by giving a smile, giving a hug, giving a compliment, giving emotional support, giving thanks, giving the benefit of the doubt, or forgiving.

This does not mean that we take a Pollyanna position and ignore things that need attention. Nor does it discount the difficulty when we are wronged. But the more we internalize the benefits of choosing connection over estrangement, the more we will improve our experience of both the Shul and its members.

Connection Before Correction

Readers of this site know that this is my year of living dangerous, as I have taken the amud on a regular basis for the first time in my life. I’m getting better at davening, but not being a great reader, I make mistakes in pronunciation, especially when I rush or feel pressured. Because we pasken that exact pronunciation is not required, on-the-spot corrections are not necessary. Some of my closer friends have pointed out some consistent errors, and since they showed care and compassion, it wasn’t too painful.

What’s interesting about davening Shacharis is that the brochos are often the first sounds coming out of your mouth. On a recent trip to the Amud, those first words revealed a post-nasal drip driven horse-ness which was not a good sign for the upcoming 50 minute Shacharis. In addition I made some pronunciation mistakes right off that bat. I got through it, but it was a stressful Shacharis.

After davening I was going to get my coffee for my daily dose of the daf, and I saw an acquaintance who is not a regular minyan member, rush out after me. I knew what was coming and before he said anything, I said “Don’t correct me”. He was taken off guard and he said he just wanted to wish me words of consolation. I said thank you and then he asked, “Can I correct you?”. I politely told him no and said that he should speak to the Gabbai, which was the procedure that had been established to handle corrections.

The next day he was there again, and I motioned to him to step outside and I asked him to please not look for corrections. He told me he has been correcting people for years and this was the first time anybody objected. I tried to explain how this was still difficult for me and how correction usually required a closer relationship than we had. He would have none of it and he insisted that his corrections were the right thing. I decided not to daven from the amud that day.

After davening, I related the incident to a friend for a specific reason, without mentioning names. He shook his head knowingly, and told me the corrector had corrected him in the past and he was upset by it. He did not say anything, because he didn’t want to get into it with the corrector.

We all find ourselves in potentially correction situations including shushing, seating conflicts, meetings and other situations. It’s easy to forget the connection before correction rule. Even if we have a good relationship, we have to be sure the person will accept the correction and will not be insulted by it. It’s difficult, but with more awareness I think we can all improve here.

I Love My Seat

I’ve written before on how fortunate I feel to have so many close friends in my Shul. Nonetheless, today is a little bit of a blue day, because at 6:00 AM this morning, a flight took off from La Guardia to Fort Lauderdale. And on that flight was one of my closest friends, TG, who was taking the last leg of his year long move to East Boca.

I don’t want this to be a dinner-like salute to him and his wonderful wife, who is a close friend of my wife, but I do want to share two thoughts which are consistent with the themes of Shul Politics.

What is wonderful about friends, and people in general, is that each one of them is a world on to themselves. A unique combination of body, heart, mind and soul shaped by years of experience. As a result, we develop different relations with each friend, often based on our shared interests. TG is my unofficial (and unpaid) growth coach. He’s the only person who will approach me in Shul with a fist pumping “Growth Baby Growth” greeting. We also share a love of the 7 Habits, NLP, Mystical Judaism, Mussar and anything that will move us, the Shul, or the community in a growth direction.

The second thought has to do with emotions. As you may have noticed, men can be a little reserved when it comes to baring their emotions. Our Shul is a little above average here, in that hugs are quite common and there is a great camaraderie, but verbal male emotional bonding still mostly follows societal norms.

When TG first came to the Shul, he wanted to sit in my section, but there was no room for him and his sons, so I pointed out some other seating options, and I told him which I thought was the best choice. He took my suggestion and every so often he would tell me “I love my seat” and I would tell him “I’m glad to hear that”. But in reality, he didn’t need to keep on telling me that, he was really expressing something much deeper.

And now that he has moved and I won’t be hearing the “I love my seat” refrain any longer, I want to give him my real response, “TG – “I love you too.”.

Appreciating the Colors of Your Tzibbur

In his sefer, the Ten Terms for Tefillah, Rav Shimshon Dovid Pinchus zt”l, discusses the virtues of davening with the Tzibbur:

“Some mouths produce pearls in prayer, while other mouths bring out flashes of fire and untold precious jewels. The number of hues that come out from the prayers of Yisrael is endless…In any event, from all of them together is woven and embroidered a magnificent and beautiful crown for the head of G-d, may he be blessed…”

I was thinking along these lines in a different context a few weeks ago when attending a Bar Mitzvah on Shabbos morning at another Shul. It was a great minyan, quiet, serious, with many friends of mine in attendance, a Shul at which I felt very comfortable. It was however missing one crucial ingredient, it was missing the colors of my Shul, that I’ve come to love.

Every person has infinite depth and complexity, but in our guarded society, we often see only the surface-level grey. It’s through our repeated conversations, interactions and yes, conflicts, that we get to see the different colors of each person. I’ll be the first to admit that it can sometimes be exasperating, but when I’m able to take a third person view, I get a glimpse of each person’s unique colors.

Although my focus here is usually on trying to understand and resolve the inherent conflicts in the Shul environment it’s important to step back on a regular basis to observe and celebrate the colors of your Tzibbur.

Clarity at the Kotel – Getting Shuls Right

A Trip to Israel
I just got back from a trip to visit my son in Israel, where we had the good fortune to rent a small apartment in David’s Village, right across from the Mamilla Mall outside the Jaffa Gate. Although it can be a little disconcerting moving from the spiritually charged Kotel, to the high-fashion materialistically minded mall, the take-out coffee and gluten-free rolls at Aroma, now with a wonderful hechsher, helped ease the pain.

I davened as much as possible at the Kotel, except for a few sunrise Shacharis(es) at the magnificent Hurva Synagogue. Davening at the Kotel provided some clarity on three issues regarding Shuls:
1. The essence of a Shul is the davening
2. The Shemoneh Esrai start is the time that counts
3. Connecting to Hashem is our unifying principle

The essence of a Shul is the davening
When you’re at the Kotel, with the continuous minyanim, it becomes clear that the essential purpose of a congregation is to daven together to Hashem. This is what the Beis HaMikdash itself was all about and our shuls are our current day substitute. Although Shuls, primarily outside of Israel, perform many communal functions, at its core, a Shul is a place to pray.

The Shemoneh Esrai start is the time that counts
As many readers of this site know, starting Shemoneh Esrai at sunrise is the best time. Inside the tunnel at the Kotel, there were at least 4 minyanim, davening at different paces, volumes and nusachim. However when sunrise comes the entire place gets quiet as everybody starts Shemoneh Esrai together. Although Shuls often discuss when to start, when to finish, and how fast to go, we see that the essential time is when we start Shemoneh Esrai together, whether it’s at sunrise or not. If you want to daven slower you can come earlier or stay later, but davening with the Tzibbur, means starting Shemoneh Esrai together.

Connecting to Hashem is our unifying principle
Minyanim are continuously forming at the Kotel. It begins with a call for Mincha or Maariv and when 10 men have gathered, the sound of Ashrei, Shir Hamalos or Borechu is heard. When gathering the men, nobody cares what they do, peyos or not, or the covering on the head. When 10 men gather to pray to Hashem, at the holiest place in the world, that’s all that matters.

To me, this is the greatest clarity lesson, collectively connecting to Hashem is what truly unifies us, and helps us, the Jewish people, accomplish our worldly mission.

Building A Shul With A Whole Lotta Love

Feeling Loved
My daughter got married on Sunday night. The next day a friend emailed me the following message: “I wanted to point out something that may not ‘totally’ be obvious to you but was to me: There was a whole lot of LOVE last night; you are truly beloved by your friends!!! “. I did see it and feel it, not only on their faces, but in their entire being as they “big-hugged” my progressively perspiring body.

Available to Many
The reason I’m sharing this is because I’m not unique in this matter. Many of my fellow Shul members receive the same love at their Simchas. Part of this is due to the fact that we have a Shul environment where deep friendships can grow generating the love and connection that’s such an important part of Jewish life.

Spiritual Connection
In the physical world, things are generally owned or enjoyed by each person (or family) separately which creates divisions of sorts. You have your car, house, clothes and food and I have mine. But in the infinite spiritual world, your possession of spirituality doesn’t create division. In fact your growth is often a catalyst for mine. When a Shul is built on a growth foundation of Torah, Tefillah and Chesed, the members can connect at a very deep level as they grow together.

Camaraderie
There’s also a need to create a camaraderie among the members. People need to talk, eat and laugh together on a regular basis. Events such as kiddushim are a part of it, but on a regular basis people need to be comfortable shmoozing with their co-members. I will point out that this comradeship can lead to a conflict with the kedushah needed for a Shul. But like many things in Judaism we have to walk the fine line and integrate both concerns.

No Expectations
The last point is that in the same Shul not everyone will necessary feel the same degree of love. This is partially due to the fact that people serve and give conditionally. You need to give unconditionally without expectations. Relationships built on reciprocity are limited by nature. Serve your shul, give to others, express your concern, share a word, flash a smile – with no expectations. Perhaps you’ll feel the love at your next Simcha, and even if you don’t, keep on giving, smiling and sharing just the same.

Imagine a Shul…

…where real efforts where made to help you find employment

…where finding shidduchim for singles was a top active priority

…where everybody really does know your name

…where you’ve shared a Shabbos or Yom Tov meal with many other families

…where meals and minyanim where arranged when you where sitting Shiva

…where people came out for your Shalom Zacher

…where you can rely on member recommendations to find contractors and help

…where people shared in your joys

…where you could find people to talk to when times where tough

That’s the social direction in which a Growth Culture Shul is headed.

The Centrality of Connection

The People Connection
As we mentioned previously the Growth Culture Shul consciously works on creating an environment where people have growth opportunities in the domains of Torah, Davening and Chesed. I’m using Chesed in the broader sense of connecting to people in meaningful ways which can take many forms.

The Happiness Connection
In models of pleasure, emotional pleasure is usually pegged higher than physical pleasure. The main source of emotional pleasure is our relationships to our spouses, children, extended family and friends. A greater goal than pleasure is happiness. I like Harvard’s happiness expert Tal Ben Shahar’s ,Torah-consistent definition : “Happiness lies at the intersection between pleasure and meaning”. Our relationships will bring us the most joy and connection when they are filled with meaning, preferably spiritually oriented.

The Shul Connection
The Growth Culture Shul is a place where deeper relationships are nurtured by sharing meaningful time with our friends. A Shul that provides a place for a serious davening ensures a shared meaningful experience among members on a weekly and daily basis. In the upcoming weeks we’ll highlight other activities that lead to meaningful connections, but while it’s fresh in our mind, let’s take a look at Shavuos.

The Shavous Connection
Shavuos provides an amazing yearly opportunity for a meaningful shared spiritual experience. We can discuss the effect of staying up all night on our davening, but when we learn Torah all night with our friends it has a fantastic effect. We are sharing our belief in the centrality of Torah in our life and that forms a deep shared connection with our fellow members. Although the OU WINGS “Best Practices Shavuot” document lists activities such as “Family Feud Game Show” and “Cheesecake bakeoff “, I think they would agree that you should try to make your Shavuos activities as spiritually meaningful as possible for your shul.

Summary
Providing opportunities for people to develop meaningful connections is foundation of a Growth Culture Shul. It goes way beyond being social and we’ll explore more ways to implement this in the coming weeks.