Category: Interpersonal

Cutting the Line to Sell Your Chametz

Here’s the scenario: It’s the week before Pesach. Our Rav is a leading Posek and many people, including the kollel and yeshivah students sell their Chametz through him, and ask a shailoh (question) or two in the process. The line can get quite long. In comes a long time Shul member who catches the corner of the Rav’s eye. The Rav waves him to the front of the line to sell his Chametz.

On one hand the Rav has instituted the policy that dues paying Shul members have priority and the privilege to cut the line. If the Rav waves you to the front, it’s an easier choice, you probably go. If you’re not waved on, should you exercise the privilege of cutting the line? My unscientific observation has been that most people do not cut the line.

Is there anything wrong with cutting the line? Probably not. The Rav is paid by the members of the Shul and he tries to give them priority, which makes sense. And it’s not causing potential embarrassment, like telling someone they’re in your seat. It seems like it should be ok to cut, and after all, the Rav himself instituted the policy.

So why don’t most people cut the line? I think they’re a little embarrassed to execute this privilege. The other people on line probably don’t feel great about it, their time is valuable to them. Perhaps there’s a cultural aversion to line cutting in our cross section of Orthodoxy. Many people use the opportunity to open a sefer, shmooze or just spend some down time. Why risk offending other people when there are other options. It’s a small issue, but it’s the small things that collectively define who we are.

While we’re on the issue of selling Chametz, there is a custom to give the Rabbi a tip at this time. In our middle class neighborhood, it seems that the amounts are in the $20 to $100 range, but ask your friends what the norms are by you.

Speeches Are The Best Part of the Shul Dinner

Our Shul Dinner was last night, 5/26/2022, and it was quite a surprise when the honorary, a good friend of mine, read excerpts of this post from 2015, during his speech.

The Shul Dinner is a great event: a celebration of your Shul; a night out with friends; some decent food; and a chance to enjoy some speeches. Sometimes I have trouble enjoying the speeches, but when I focus on the following points, it’s easier.

My Rav pointed out that the speeches are the main part of the dinner. We often take our Shuls for granted and don’t focus on how central they are in our lives. Unlike any institution, only the Shul is the place where we learn, daven, and do chesed, the three pillars on which the world stands. The Shul focused parts of the speeches help us appreciate the centrality of those activities and the Shul’s role regarding them.

Being thankful is a trait we all need to improve and the speeches contain thanks for those who keep the Shul running. We may find it difficult to personally thank those who serve, but we can be thankful in our hearts when we hear their roles mentioned. We don’t usually need help spotting imperfections, but we do need help from the speeches to focus on the goodness of those who serve.

Although looking for kavod is not a good trait, giving others kavod is a positive trait we need to improve. Rabbi Yitzchak Kirzner zt”l points out that giving kavod to others helps us to properly give kavod to Hashem. The thanks to the honorees gives them the kavod they deserve. Our paying attention to their praise allows us to partake of this noble activity from the comfort of our seats.

The last component is the speeches of the honorees. Most of us are not entertaining or gifted public speakers. However, the honorees want to take this opportunity to share. To share some Torah. Share some thoughts. Share a part of themselves. When we get past the length or delivery, we get a glimpse and a connection to the heart that they’re exposing and sharing.

I’ll be the first to admit that it’s not easy to love the speeches more than the shmorg, but I think this closer look makes it obvious that the speeches benefit us spiritually, and that’s why they’re the main part of the dinner.

Originally Published 4/2015

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The Ups & Downs when “Everybody Knows Your Name”

This post’s title references the hit show Cheers. One of its running gags, was the character Norm arriving in the bar and being greeted by a loud “Norm!” There was palpable sense of camaraderie among the patrons.

When I come to Shul on Shabbos morning the sense of camaraderie is also palpable. You can be greeted with a warm smile, a hearty handshake, a hand slap or even a hug. It’s a great feeling, but there are conflicts that should be explored.

On one hand, community is a cornerstone of Judaism, and a community consists of friends. Friends that go beyond the handshake, to being there in the tougher times, and to sharing your moments of joy. The closer the friendship, the more likely and deeper the sharing of your lives. The ropes of friendships are spun from the threads of the shared events we experience: the big ones like the weddings and Bar Mitzvahs, and the small ones like the warm handshakes and the “How Ya Doing?” greetings.

Even with the move from the social Shul of the past, to the growth oriented Shul of the present, the Shul is still the primary friendship building vehicle. And cultivating meaningful friendships is an integral part of spiritual growth.

The downside of such an environment, is that a Shul is not a bar. There needs to be a sense of reverence when standing in a House of Prayer and too much backslapping can negatively effect that feeling. The words that bring a smile to your friend’s face are only a small step away from the words that might be considered Kalut Rosh (lightheaded activity) which is prohibited in a Shul (see Shulchan Aruch 151:1).

One solution to this potential conflict is to be social outside the Shul, or in the lobby, or at the kiddush, and maintain a quiet dignified, little-to-no talking environment in the Shul. The problem with that solution is that there are significantly less opportunities for the friendship-spinning small interactions.

Another approach would be to continue with the warm smiles, handshakes and brief words in the Shul, and to be cognizant of the Kalut Rosh boundaries that the halacha sets. My Shabbos Shul follows the watch-the-boundaries approach because the balance is achievable, and the wonderful feeling of being a part of a warm and caring group of people is foundational for individual and communal growth.

Originally Published on 10/28/2015

The Redemption of Our Shuls – a Look Back to the Deep into Covid Days

This was originally posted when our Shuls were closed during Covid on April 6, 2020.

On Pesach we focus on two redemptions, the redemption from Egypt and the future redemption. Rav Itamar Schwartz, the author of “Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh”, points out that in the redemption from Egypt, we were emotionally redeemed, in that we were able to connect to Hashem with love and fear. On the seder night, we must feel as if we are leaving Egypt now, and emotionally connect to Hashem in gratitude. However, we weren’t totally redeemed, as four fifths of the people died and the wicked son is told “had he been there, he wouldn’t have been redeemed”.

In the future redemption, it will be a more complete redemption, the wicked will be included. This is because we will have achdus in the mind, which is the ability to see how details, and people, are connected and are all one. We will see how the wicked son belongs with us. Rabbi Schwartz points out that this will be achieved through the nullification of our egos, as a person’s self-absorption prevents the revelation of achdus.

We’re at a unique point this Pesach. We’re in exile from our Shuls and we’re davening alone. Many of us are longing to return to daven as a Tzibbur. It’s a great opportunity to take a step towards redemption, by thinking about how we will try to see things from an Achdus perspective when we return. Instead of is wondering whether the davening is too fast/slow for me, we will wrestle with the question of what’s the right speed for our Shul? What’s the right temperature for the Shul? It’s a harder perspective, but it’s the achdus perspective of the future redemption.

Great challenges. Great opportunities.

Hopefully we’ve made some progress over the past 2 years.

Choosing Shalom Over Emes

My Shabbos Shul gives members who come on a regular basis a set seat each week. Since I was responsible for allocating the seats when we moved into our new building, it’s still my job to resolve seating conflicts. So it wasn’t out of the ordinary that a friend directed my attention to a quiet conflict in progress last Shabbos. No words were exchanged, but it was clear from the body language that two people were claiming the same seat.

After davening, I went over to the person who was assigned the seat and let him know I was aware of the situation and would try to resolve it. He said that he didn’t want to make waves and that the other person seemed to want the seat more, so he would take a different seat nearby. I offered again to try and resolve it, but he said it was ok, and he appreciated my involvement.

During the week, I daven regularly at a different weekday minyan. A number of months ago, the main gabbai clarified to me that regular daveners of the minyan could have a regular seat. Since I met the criteria, I said a regular seat would be great, and I was assigned one.

When I walked in last Sunday, I was told by a different gabbai to take a different seat on Sundays, because the person in my seat davens there on Sundays in the spring and summer months and he would be coming for the next 6 months. On the Emes (truth) scale, it would be hard to call a Sunday only spring-summer davener, a regular. But I didn’t say anything and I took the other seat. I thought that it was interesting that I was involved in resolving a seating issue on Shabbos and here I was on the other side of the table.

Reflecting upon the two events and seeing the Shabbos Shul member choose the route of Shalom over Emes, I decided to follow suit and not say anything to the Gabbai about the issue. The take away is that we do have rights, and there are times when we’re entitled to assert our rights. But perhaps our default position should be to relinquish or rights and choose Shalom over Emes.

Originally published Oct, 2017
His memory should be a blessing.

Shul Teshuva

The Sefaria Project’s translation of the Rambam’s Hilchos Teshuva – Chapter 3 – Halacha 1 says:

Each and every person has merits and sins. A person whose merits are greater than their sins is righteous; and a person whose sins are greater than their merits is wicked; half and half, in-between. And the same is true of a country, if the merits of all its citizens are greater than their sins, that nation is righteous, and if their sins are greater than their merits they are wicked; and also for the whole world.

We see that a person, a country, and the world all have a three-books status (righteous, wicked, in-between). I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to say that a Shul also has a three-books status. Let’s assume for the sake of this post that most Shuls are in-betweeners. What should Shuls do to merit a better judgment?

For individuals, the primary path at this time of the year is Teshuva, with its regret, resolve and confession components. In the case of collectives like countries and Shuls it’s not exactly clear how collective Teshuva is achieved, but as Rosh Hoshana approaches we can at least individually resolve to make our Shuls better places. Here are three ideas to marinate as we approach the Day of Judgment.

1. Do kindness.
Shuls afford tremendous opportunities for Chesed. You might not be playing a large Tzedekah role, or cooking meals for a family, but most of us can go to that Shalom Zachar. Or attend the Bris Ceremony. Or pay that Shivah visit. We can commit to stifling the thoughts of, “I’m not so close to them” or “I don’t have time for that”, which prevent us from doing these mitzvos.

2. Let it go.
In Shul life people will let us down. Whether it’s a lack of support, a careless comment or a more grievous offense. And we’ll sometimes be hurt, angered or embarrassed. Those are normal reactions. What we can perhaps control is how fast we let it go. We can commit to working on the trait of being easier to appease.

3. Appreciate the good.
Taking things for granted is a common problem, especially when it comes to utilities like the electricity, plumbing and minyan services. Davening is expected to run smoothly and when it doesn’t, we want answers, explanations and rectifications. If we take a deeper look and see the financial, organizational and operational support behind the davening, the greater appreciation achieved will decrease negativity, and increase our happiness.

At this time of year in which Hashem is closest to us, it might make sense to put some Shul Teshuva on our to-do list.

The Three Weeks – All You Need is Love

The Need For Emotional Connection
The Mesillas Yesharim teaches us that the basis of our Service of Hashem, is Deutoronomy 10:12 in Parshas Eikev: “And now, Israel, what does Hashem, your God, ask of you?
– Only to fear (be in awe of) Hashem, your God,
– to go in all His ways,
– and to love Him,
– and to serve Hashem, your God, with all your heart and all your soul,
– to observe the commandments of Hashem and His decrees, which I command you today, for your benefit.

We are quite good at observing the commandments, but many of us have trouble with the emotional component, specifically that of loving Hashem. We know we are supposed to love Hashem, but do we actually experience that love emotionally?

Without a strong emotional connection to Hashem and Torah, our mitzvos become rote, our davening becomes rushed, and we look to our possessions, our vacations, our vocations, and the worlds of sports, entertainment, and social media for emotional stimulation. It’s very likely that the spiritual malaise effecting large segments of our community is a result of a lack of a strong emotional connection to Hashem and Torah.

How Can We Develop Love
Rabbi Yitzchok Kirzner zt”l taught that to develop our Love of Hashem, we should work on Loving Our Fellow Jew, which is a commandment in its own right.

Love means to have a strong emotional connection. Most people have a strong emotional connection with their spouses, their children and their parents. But when we walk into Shul, with how many people do we actually feel a strong emotional connection?

To develop our love of our fellow Jews, we can start by identifying and relating to their positive qualities. One such quality is that at the root of every Jew is a pure spiritual soul. Every Jew is part of the collective soul of the Jewish people which unites us all. Every Jew is a child of Hashem and is loved by Hashem. Every Jew in our community plays a part in creating an environment where we can grow through Torah and Mitzvos. And every Jew in our minyan, is instrumental in increasing the likelihood that Hashem will accept our Tefillos. We’ve identified a few positive qualities that give us the ammunition to develop our love.

Having identified the positive qualities, we have to actively and repeatedly think about and feel that we love our fellow Jews. Thinking that we love someone and trying to experience the emotion is instrumental in actually developing that love. We shouldn’t be sidetrack by the fact that we love our spouses, children and parents more then our Shul members. We are obligated to love every Jew and each Jew has inherent positive qualities that form the foundation of love.

Actively thinking about and trying to feel our love of our fellow Jews is critical to developing that emotional capacity – and using it to love Hashem. So on a regular basis we can look around our Shul, and think and try to feel how we love this person, and that person, etc..

Loving Hashem
When we develop the practice of experiencing emotional love on a regular basis, we can then use that capability to Love Hashem. Our prayer books are filled with praise of the positive qualities of Hashem which give us many reasons to love Him. We have to actively think about and feel how we love Hashem. It’s not enough to know it intellectually, we have to develop that love, by regularly thinking about and feeling our love for Him.

It’s interesting that Chazal have put a special focus in the Three Weeks on developing a Love of our fellow Jews. This is followed by the month of Elul, where we focus on Love of Hashem as indicated by ‘Ani L’Dodi V’Dodi Li’ – ‘I am for My Beloved and My Beloved is for Me’. Loving people and loving Hashem are commandments that are achievable. We can start on the right track every day in Shul with thoughts and feelings of Love. Don’t worry, nobody will know, but don’t be surprised if we start feeling them loving us back.

Appreciating the Difficulties of Showing Appreciation

Showing appreciation can be very difficult. Mrs. Dina Schoonmaker points out that when we show appreciation there is a certain diminishing of the self that occurs, because we are admitting that we needed that which was done. She also quotes Rav Wolbe zt”l who points out that we develop an attitude of “I deserve it” which inhibits expressions of appreciation.

In the case of a Shul, we have an added difficulty because the volunteers deliver their services on a daily or weekly basis. We would have to show our appreciation to a lot of people on a regular basis. It’s not going to happen.

Most people who have been in the Shul service business for an extended period of time don’t expect expressions of appreciation. They might appreciate them, but if they expect them, they are in for a big disappointment. They serve because it’s what Hashem wants and most are happy to have the opportunity to do the Chesed.

However, even if we don’t express the appreciation we should try to think about it on a periodic basis. One of the main goals of Chesed is to create bonds between people and those bonds exist in our hearts and minds. The good people of our Shuls do a lot for us and we can build those bonds of connection by feeling the appreciation in our hearts.

Messages From A Tzedakah Collector

It was a morning like many others, Shacharis at ~6:00 am, followed by Doing-the-Daf and then heading home for a quick breakfast before hitting the keyboard.

As I was leaving, a smiling, familiar face Tzedakah collector was in the lobby, having just left the Yeshiva minyan. I reached into my pocket to hand him some change and he said that he thought I gave him something at the earlier minyan. I told him I was pretty sure that I hadn’t and continued to extend my hand with the change.

He said that he wanted to make sure that I was giving it with a Lev Shalem (a full heart), even if I was mistaken and had already given. It would be a shame to have to come back as a gilgul for some mis-collected small change. Wow! I told him that I was ok with giving again, even if I gave earlier.

As I was walking to my car, the idea of giving with a Lev Shalem really hit me. I have no problem giving Tzedakah to the collectors on a weekly basis and I feel like I have a relationship with many of them. But a Lev Shalem. Could I really say I was consciously giving at that level?

So here’s a task I can work on. It’s a small amount. I don’t mind giving. I’m already giving regularly as per the Rambam. But now I can work on giving with Lev Shalem, with complete committment, with joy. I can’t wait till tomorrow.

Once in a while you get shown the light. In the strangest of places if you look at it right.

The Connection Power of the Kiddush

It’s no secret that a major part of Torah Judaism involves Bein Adam L’Chaveiro. Regarding the negative commandments, we need to avoid Lashon Hara, embarassing people, insulting people, taking revenge, holding a grudge, hating in our heart, etc… For the positive commandments, we need to give good advice, find people jobs, apartments, shidduchim, help them grow, and love our neighbors as ourselves, etc…

Our busy weekday lives often minimize our face to face contacts, but thankfully we have Shabbos, a time for God, family, and friends. The positive trend towards reducing conversation in Shul during davening, leaves the kiddush as the major time to build connection.

The food at the kiddush is the vessel over which we connect and too much focus on the food will reduce the positive social interaction. Three variables effect the connection-building capabilities: the number of people; whether it is sitting our standing; and whether it is in the Shul/social hall or in somebodies’ home.
– The more people at the kiddush, the more difficult it is to have a deeper and longer conversation.
– A sit down kiddush creates better connections than a standing one.
– A kiddush in a house is more intimate and connection building than one in the Shul/Social Hall.

The large stand up kiddush in the Shul is at the lower end of the connection-building scale, while a private sit-down kiddush in somebodies’ home creates a high-connection environment. Unfortunately, the sit-down kiddush in somebodies home is usually not a Shul event, it does not scale to Shul size, and it can create an air of exclusivity. The most practical alternative is a sit down kiddush in the Shul. If you scale down the menu to cracker, cookies, chips, dips and drinks, the sit down kiddush becomes more achievable.

Whatever the form, kiddushim are an important social component of your Shul. We hope and pray that the end of Covid will come soon and the Shul Kiddush in all its formats will return.

Passive and Active Spiritual Coaching

In the personal affairs market, life coaching has not reached it’s potential, but in the upper echelons of corporate America it is alive and kicking. In well run larger corporations, the higher level executives contribute greatly to the company’s success, so they invest in coaching for their top people. A friend who worked in a Fortune 50 company had a coach to help him improve in various areas of his life. It’s an extremely valuable service and it’s unfortunate that most of us don’t have access to such help.

There is one area where we do have coaches, in the spiritual dimension of our lives. In yeshivos and seminaries, the Rebbeim and teachers serve that role. When we leave those havens, our Shul Rebbeim serve as spiritual coaches through their drashos and their personal guidance. An underutilized avenue of valuable spiritual coaching is also available from our fellow Shul members. This coaching takes two forms passive and active.

Passive spiritual coaching occurs when someone sets a positive example for his friend or neighbor. In our Shul, certain members felt the local Yeshivos would be a better place to daven. My Rav felt that the effect members have on each other is important and often overlooked. The words and behavior of a Rav or a full time Yeshiva student are to some degree discounted, because they’re living more spiritually focused lives than the working person who spends much time in secular pursuits. However when a person sees a friend or neighbor in similar life circumstance, spending that extra 30 minutes learning, taking on another chesed or working on his davening, it makes a impact. Over time, these impacts foster growth.

Active spiritual coaching, although not as common, can take the form of a Mussar Vaad, or an agreement among friends to help one another. However, most people that I know are reticent to give direct spiritual advice to someone else. In a recent play-listed shiur, Rabbi Yosef Viener, Rav of Kehilas Shaar Shamayim, Monsey. states that we each have a continuing obligation to help our friends and neighbors grow. How we do that depends on the situation. In another shiur, Making Sense of the Final Exile – Part 1, Rabbi Viener related a story of a Shul member phoning his friend every morning for months at 5:30 am, to attend the pre-Shacharis Daf Yomi shiur. The called member was appreciative and hopeful that some day he would heed the call and wake up early to attend.

Individually and as a community, we benefit from peer-to-peer spiritual coaching. The forms that this takes will differ from Shul to Shul and member to member. As growth oriented Shuls continue to mature, we’ll hopefully see many more successful models.

Yom Kippur – Forgiving Others When We’re Slighted

I was Googling for a web-based description of the origins of Avinu Malkeinu when I came across Rabbi Micha Berger’s great discussion of the trait of ma’avir al midosav – forgiving others when we are slighted:

“Rabbi Eliezer once went before the ark [as chazan on a fast day enacted because of a drought] and recited twenty-four berakhos and was not answered. Rabbi Aqiva went [as chazan] after him and said, “Avinu malkeinu — our Father, our King, we have no king other than You! Our Father, our King – for Your sake have compassion for us!” and it started raining. “The rabbis started speaking negatively [about Rabbi Eliezer]. A Heavenly voice emerged and declared, “It is not because this one [Rabbi Akiva] is greater than that one [Rabbi Eliezer], but because this one is ma’avir al midosav and this one is not ma’avir al midosav.” – Ta’anis 25b

Rav Yisrael Salanter (Or Yisrael #28) elaborates. If being a ma’avir al midosav is so important, wouldn’t that mean that Rabbi Aqiva was greater than Rabbi Eliezer after all? Rather, there are two equally valid approaches to serving Hashem. Rabbi Aqiva, being from Beis Hillel, was ma’avir al midosav. Rabbi Eliezer was a member of Beis Shammai (Tosafos Shabbos 130b), and therefore insisted upon strict justice (Shabbos 31a). Both approaches are equally valid, and until the ruling that we are to follow Beis Hillel, both Rabbi Aqiva’s and Rabbi Eliezer’s approaches were equal paths to holiness. However, at a time when we can’t withstand the scrutiny of strict justice, it’s Rabbi Aqiva’s approach that is more appropriate.”

Rabbi Akiva, the most prominent Baal Teshuva of all time, teaches us the lesson that rings in our ears throughout all of Yom Kippur – we need to favor forgiveness over demands for justice. We start Kol Nidre by offering forgiveness for all Jews (BT, FFB and Non-Frum) as we join together in a day of prayer. We end with a resounding Avinu Malkenu asking Hashem to forgive us, even though by strict justice – we don’t really deserve it.

A number of years ago, my Rav, Rabbi Welcher, stressed the need for understanding and unity on Yom Kippur. So, it was very appropriate and moving that during Neilah, five non-religious Jews walked into the Shul. A few, who had multiple body piercings, came towards my section and they were quickly given Art Scroll Machzorim. As we screamed for mercy they joined us, and nobody gave them a second look. They were Jews who had summed up the awesome courage to walk into an Orthodox Shul and join their brothers in prayer. We welcomed them with open arms.

The message of forgiveness and understanding is the message that Baalei Teshuva know all so well. One of the most recurrent themes on the BeyondTeshuva.com web site is that BTs often feel like they don’t fit in. We plead to our fellow Frum Jews: Please treat us with mercy. Please don’t judge us. Please don’t make us feel small. Please accept us as who we are, and where we want to go.

Since we know this teaching all so well, we are well-positioned to teach it by example, as we show forgiveness and understanding to our non-frum friends and relatives, our talk-in-shul neighbors and all the Jews greater than us in Torah, Tefillah or Gemillas Chasadim. It’s hardest to live this teaching when we’re slighted and put upon, but that was the greatness of our teacher Rabbi Akiva – and that is the greatness we can each achieve as we internalize this message.

The Shul Zoom Boom

It’s been a long haul for us Shul lovers. But we’re making the best out of difficult situation, thanks in part to technology, and particularly Zoom.

Our first use of Zoom was for online Kiddushim. A small group of us joins a Zoom meeting before Shabbos and we share a L’chaim, some words of Torah, and a discussion of the issues of the day. It’s usually about 20 minutes long. It’s not the same as a Shabbos Kiddush, but we look forward to it and it keeps us connected on a weekly basis.

We’ve also had a few Zoom life cycle events. We’ve had a vort, a wedding, and unfortunately there have been levayas and shiva visits. Of course it’s not the same as the in-person equivalents, but it does enable a degree of connect to the baal simcha or aveilah.

Another use of Zoom is for our daily Shacharis minyan. Someone davens, saying every brocha and the beginning and ending of every paragraph out loud. There are no Devarim Shel Kedusha as it is not a halachic minyan. We pace it consistently and many people have found it very helpful for their Kavana.

This cycle of the Daf Yomi has seen two major changes. More people in our Shul are learning the Daf and the OU Daf app (https://alldaf.org/) has been a tremendous additional asset. All of our Shul Daf Yomi shiurim are functioning on Zoom. Despite the availability of the OU Daf resources, people like their shiur leaders and their chaburas, and continue to attend them on Zoom. We’ve also continued all our weekly shiurim, given by members of our shul via Zoom.

Perhaps the most impactful use of Zoom has been our Rav’s online Zoom shiurim. He gives shiurim from Sunday to Thursday at 7:30 p.m. for about 30 minutes. We get very nice attendance and it’s a real chizuk to see many fellow members on a regular basis. At the end of the shiur we unmute everybody and we shmoose for a few minutes with the Rav greeting everybody in attendance. It’s a great experience and I wonder how we’ll use Zoom to supplement the live shiurim when we return.

We anxiously await returning to Shul, but we’re thankful that Hashem has provided us with the Zoom refuah in the face of our quarantine machala.

Who Can Make the Sun Shine? – The Candy Man Can!

No, we’re not taking about Willy Wonka, where the song originated, or Sammy Davis Jr., who made it popular (don’t you just love the power of wikipedia), we’re taking about the man in Shul who makes the kids smile with a piece of candy or three on Shabbos.

Could there be possibly be politics with the candy man? Of course! Now remember our definition of politics is a process by which groups of people make collective decisions. And in the case of distributing candy to children there are actually some real issues.

A story will illustrate. When our Shul moved into a new building the members were putting in their requests for seats. The candy man wanted to sit near the Aron, but the Baalei Tefillah felt that having the kids come up front during davening was disturbing. The candy man agree to change his policy and only distribute candy after davening. Soon thereafter somebody further back in the Shul distributed small portions during davening. The candy man did not mind and was happy with his after-davening slot.

Besides the distribution issue, some parents are not crazy about their kids eating too much candy on Shabbos because it makes some kids wired. However it’s hard to put controls on the candy man if the Shul is ok with the distribution.

All in all the candy man is a good thing. It sweetens the Shul going process for the younger kids who remember the experience for a lifetime.

Connecting to Your Baal Tefillah

It’s not uncommon for people to have an opinion about the Baal Tefillah. He’s going to slow. He’s going to fast. He’s singing too much. He’s not singing enough. He’s putting on a performance. He’s not inspiring the Tzibbur. These opinions take on different intensities depending on whether it’s Yomim Noraim, Yom Tov, Shabbos or during the week.

In the secular world, everybody is entitled to their opinion, but in the Torah world our goal is to work towards the day when “Hashem is One and His Name is One”. If we are not united as a people, we will not reach that goal. Everyday time we have a negative opinion of the Baal Tefillah we disrupt the spiritual unity of the Shul at some level, even if we don’t express it.

Here are a few Baalei Tefillah prototypes. We might disagree with them, but if we consider that this may be where our Baal Tefillah is coming from, it can lessen our frustration and the resulting dis-unity.

1) The Quick davener is trying to get the repetition over with as soon as possible.

2) The Slow davener is following the halacha of not “throwing” a blessing from his mouth, rather he is concentrating and making the blessing calmly.

3) The Inspirational davener is here to inspire and will sing many nigunim.

4) The Non Inspirational davener wants to daven the best that he can to help lift all the prayers to Shemayim.

5) The Performing davener is using his G-d given talents to inspire to help lift the prayers.

6) The Pareve davener is only up there because the Gabbai asked him and he’s doing the best he can.

The Torah wants us to to give the Baal Tefillah the benefit of the doubt and keep connected to him. If you want to take the next step, you can follow the halacha and follow along with the Baal Tefillah and answer Amen to each brocha.

Klal Yisroel needs all our prayers, here’s one small step to make them better.

The Mixed Shul Kiddush – Navigating Changing Circumstances

As I’ve mentioned previously, Shul Politics is the art of arriving at a set of rules, customs and standards to serve the spiritual and social needs of its members. Depending on the governing structure, those rules will be set by the Rabbi, the membership or both. The rules, customs and standards differ from Shul to Shul across communities, and also within the same Shul over time.

One fascinating area where this plays out is in the mixed Shul kiddush. Thirty years ago, the mixed kiddush was the overwhelming norm among Orthodox Shuls. However, with the change in spiritual sensitivities over the years, some Shuls and members are less comfortable with them now. New Shuls can set the standards appropriate for their membership, whereas existing Shuls have to be much more careful on how they navigate change.

In Queens, the mixed Shul Kiddush is the norm, but there are a few Shuls that have separate Kiddushes. In our Shul, near the turn of the century (~2000), some members who were making a Kiddush for a simcha, wanted it to be separate. It caused a bit of skirmish, but the Shul, under guidance from the Rav, agreed that members making a private Kiddush, could choose to make it separate. Our Shul-sponsored Kiddushes are mixed but for the most part the men are socializing with the men and the women with the women.

In a Kiruv Shul, a mixed Kiddush is a no-brainer, while in a Shul serving a Yeshivish membership it will rarely be found these days. In cross-generational heterogeneous Shuls, its a little more complicated, but if it’s done with intelligence and consideration for membership sensitivities a working solution can usually be found.

Originally Published January, 2014

Getting Lost in My Seat

On one hand it’s inspiring that so many of us want a specific seat for Rosh Hoshana. Assumably, it’s because we want to pray like there’s no tomorrow on the Yom HaDin. To achieve that we need our regular seat, or the seat we sat in last year. It makes sense to want to maximimze our prayer in the optimal seat.

When my kids were younger, we used to go away for Rosh Hoshana. I remember how we would get to the hotel early and I would head straight for the Shul, scouting out a good seat. Not too close. Not too far. Away from the traffic flow. But not too far that it’s hard to get out. When my optimization algorithm stopped spinning, I would place my talis and seforim and mark my seat. Did it really matter? If I didn’t do some prep work beforehand, would my Kavanna be better because of the seat? Probably not.

When you daven in your own Shul, a different consideration comes it to play. There are many more guests and married children present, so it’s often not possible for everybody to sit in their preferred seat. I remember in the past being asked to change my seat. When I said yes, it was begrudgingly. After all, didn’t I have the first rights to the seat that I had sat in regularly for so many years.

I now see that I made a mistake. If I really wanted to show Hashem that I was getting more serious about my Divine Service, wouldn’t it make sense to give up my own rights, so somebody else could have the seats that they need. Wouldn’t that show Hashem that I was taking a step out of my self-centric world view and concerning myself with the needs of His children. What an amazing step that would be towards a more favorable judgement.

It may be too late for me. Now that I’m on the seating committee, it obligates me to give up my seat if it will help somebody else. So I won’t be able to do complete teshuva and give up my seat because it’s the right thing to do. Hey, maybe you could give up your seat and have me in my mind. It’s just a thought.

The Struggle to Minimize Machlokes

Hashem wants us to achieve some very specific things, one of which is “walking in his ways”. The Ramchal explains, based on Mishna 2.1 in Avos, that our actions should lead to true good, namely, strengthening of Torah and the advancement of friendship. Anything that connects people is good and anything that separates people is bad.

This leads to one of the primary Shul principles, which is minimizing machlokes. I was tested by this on two separate occasions recently where people came with what I call a reasonably unreasonable request. From their perspective it was perfectively reasonable, but from a Shul perspective it was slightly unreasonable. Both of them threatened to go to the Rav to get a Psak in their favor. Although the Rav might bring up an issue with me, he would never issue a Psak overriding an operational decision. However, the Rav’s guidance in many Shul matters often has the minimizing machlokes principle at its root.

My difficult task was to not be offended by their threat to get an overriding Psak. I couldn’t even tell them that the Rav would not override a decision. My job was to try to satisfy their request, with a smile, even if it was slightly unreasonable. I was fairly successful in one situation, probably because it came through email and I resisted the urge to respond until I could resolve it in the person’s favor. In a face to face situation, I was only partially successful, because the audacity of the psak override threat got the best of me.

Hashem wants us to connect. Hashem wants us to be united. This is why minimizing the divisive effects of machlokes is a primary Shul Policy.

One last point to note is that sometimes a decision must be made which will upset someone, creating a slight machlokes. However we must still strive to minimize the occurrence and degree of any machlokes. It’s not always easy because emotions often come into play, but the more we can internalize the principle the better chance we will have of implementing it and fulfilling Hashem’s directive.

All You Need is Love

When discussing revenges and grudges in the chapter on Cleanliness (Nekiyus), the Mesillas Yesharim says that the Yetzer Hara inflames the heart of a person about past wrongs done to him. This makes it very difficult to totally forgive a person. Therefore the Torah comes immediately after the verse prohibiting revenge and bearing a grudge with the all-encompassing rule of “You shall love your fellow as yourself”. As yourself with no differences, with no distinctions, exactly as yourself.

If we focus on loving people and connecting to them in our actions and in our hearts, we can accept the imperfections and mistakes of others. Shuls provide many opportunities to put this Torah principle into action. On occasion a phone will go off during a shiur or during davening. Most people refrain from saying something, but perhaps a fleeting thought questioning the person’s technical prowess enters the mind. The solution to overcome any negative thoughts is to love this fellow Jew. Even to the point of feeling his embarassment over the small disturbance the phone created.

We can take this principle a step further and apply it to the father with the crying baby. We can change “What was he thinking?”, to “Most of the time babies behave in Shul”. We know that this is not easy, as the Ramchal said, our natural inclination is be negative and judge and react infavorably towards people. Thankfully we have the Torah which gives us the rules and the tools to use these challenges to become bigger.

Elul is starting and we can use these small interpersonal disturbances as growth opportunities in preparation for the day when Hashem will judge us for our shortcomings. In the words of a modern day poet – “All you need is love”.

How Shul Members Are More Inspiring Than the Rabbi

Sometimes members decide that they would be better served by davening in a Yeshiva. I spoke to my Rabbi about this and he pointed out that these members are missing an important ingredient of serving Hashem, and that is the influence they have on others. In many ways the Shul Members Are More Inspiring Than the Rabbi.

When the Rabbi exhibits dedication to chesed, learning, or davening, the thought which goes through many minds is “Of course that’s what the Rabbi does, after all he is the Rabbi, but I’m just an average working person”. But when a fellow member exhibits dedication to spiritual pursuits, the thought turns to “If he is working on his learning, chesed or davening, perhaps so should I”.

Over the years I have been inspired by many fellow members. One member was a master of chesed. I remember that he would always lend his car, especially to older Rabbis who were in America collecting for various needs. It really inspired me and over the years and I asked myself, “Shouldn’t I at least try to follow his lead?”.

Another member spends hours and hours learning Torah, even though he commutes to work daily, like the rest of his. He does read secular information, but he limits his time on the Internet and uses it more constructively in learning. If the Shul is open, there is a good chance you’ll find him inside learning. I was once sitting in the lobby before the Chuppah at a wedding. He walked in and I asked him why he was checking out various rooms. He said he wanted to see if the hall had a Beis Medrash. After greeting the Father of the Kallah, he left the hall to look for a Williamsburg Beis Medrash to learn for the hour and a half until the beginning of the first dance. I had to ask myself “What efforts am I making to increase my learning time?”.

Then there’s the weekday minyan member who is always working on his davening. He’s constantly reading and sharing Torah ideas about davening. He works on a daily basis to increase his concentration and his love and fear of Hashem, which is expressed in the davening. He freely admits davening is difficult and that is why he works at it. The question that leaves me is “Am I working hard enough to improve in this area?”.

There are many more inspiring examples of Communal Chesed, Shalom Bayis, being a good friend, giving Tzedakah,… Look around, pay attention, get inspired and remember that you’re positive behaviors can be an inspiration for others.

The Miracle of Shalosh Seudos

Chanukah is a time when we focus on Hashem’s miracles and offer Hallel and Hodaah, Praise and Thanks, for those miracles. As we know, the Al HaNissim addition for Chanukah is inserted in Modim in the Shomoneh Esrai.

In the regular Modim we thank Hashem “for Your Nesecha, that are with us every day.” Nesecha is usually translated as miracles. How many of us can honestly say that Hashem performed miracle for us today? That’s why I like to translate “Nesecha” as “Your signs”. There are many signs of Hashem’s existence and His love for us, such as Torah, nature, the existence of the Jewish People, and more. The problem is that it’s often difficult to see Hashem behind these common signs, so once a year we focus on the uncommon signs, the Miracles of Chanukah. When we clearly see Hashem’s love on Chanukah, we express our love through Hallel and Hodaah.

Shalosh Seudos is like a hidden miracle. Every week people come down after Mincha. There are tables set. Food on display. Just wash and dig in. It’s easy to miss that there were people who ordered the food. People who arranged the tables. People who put out the food. People who will clean up. And these people do it because they care about, and love, the members of the Shul.

In the silent Modim we are supposed to recognize Hashem’s love and connect back to Him with feelings and expression of love. Here too, we can connect back in our hearts (or with words), with love, to the people in the Shul who show they care about us. That is the goal of recognizing the Miracle of Shalosh Seudos.

Touched by an Act of Love

Many years ago I adopted the practice of using a standard table shtender during davening. I flip it on its side when davening Shemoneh Esrai. My weekday shtender costed $12 and is made of plain wood. After using it for a number of years, it falls apart often and I have to put it back together.

This week when I walked into Shul, I saw that my davening neighbor had gone through the trouble of glueing the shtender back together. I was touched and thanked him a number of times. We’ve been sitting next to each other for years, we exchange “Have a good day” goodbyes when we leave, we’ve invited each other to our weddings, but I’m calling this an act of love.

Love is a having a deep connection to another. We can talk about the love we have towards our spouses, our children, our parents, our siblings, our extended family, and our close friends. But in reality, we have an obligation to love every Jew, that is to feel a deep connect to every Jew. Rabbi Dessler says we can increase our love by giving, and Rabbi Noach Weinberg of Aish HaTorah recommends developing love by focusing on the positive aspects of each fellow Jew.

So my davening neighbor went out of his way to fix my shtender, beyond the call of normal Shul behavior, and I was truly touched by this act of love. If I can prevent this act from receeding into the backyards of my memory, I can continue to deepen my emotional connection to my neighbor. May we all be zoche to transform our acts of kindness into acts of love and connection.

The Real Problem of No-Frills Davening

This post is a followup to the No-Frills Davening post. No-Frills Davening is the phenomena where people join and attend Shuls on Shabbos for davening alone. What could be wrong with that? Shuls are built as places to daven. To answer this question we have to take a step back to look at the goals of Judaism.

The goals of Judaism are to create three types of connection: 1) the connection of our body and soul; 2) a connection to Hashem; 3) connections of ourselves with other people. Body and soul connection is achieved by learning and following the Torah’s prescription of how to act, feel and think from a spiritual perspective as we navigate our lives in this physical world. Connection to Hashem is achieved through serving Him via the mitzvos and through prayer. Connection to others is achieved by diminishing and overcoming our egocentric perspective and helping, seeing the good, speaking well of, and giving honor to our fellow Jews.

Although the Shul is a place where we connect to Hashem via prayers, it is also a place where we connect to our fellow Jews. Connecting to people requires us to go beyond the comfort zone of our family and close friends, and dealing with people who are not such close friends, who have different views than us, who might sometimes rub us the wrong way. And it takes work because we have to put aside our ego and individual perspective to accommodate the perspectives, needs, and personalities of others. Many people don’t enjoy this and therefore seek a no-frills, no-conflict, no-accommodation-required environment. But if we are to grow as individuals and collectively as a community and a people we need to get our hands dirty and constructively deal with these differences and conflicts.

The world is becoming a much more polarized place and as inhabitants we are affected by this division. The Torah gives us the prescription to eliminate polarization and that is through connection. Hashgacha has placed us in Shuls where we have the challenge and opportunity to do the real work of creating connections and a true unity. No-Frills Davening is harmful because it keeps us in our comfort zone and prevents us from creating the connections which are a major component of our purpose in the world.

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Member Participation – Coerce, Encourage or Accept

Maariv is finished on Moatzei Shabbos and the familiar call goes out – “we need people to help clean up Shalosh Seudos”. It’s the same refrain and it’s often the same group of people who clean up. The same participation scenario is replayed for the Shalosh Seudos setup and for many other Shabbos and weekday volunteer functions needed for the successful running of the Shul.

There are at least three approaches to take in regard to member participation:
(1) You can coerce participation with statements like “if people don’t help we’re not going to have Shalosh Seudos any more”.
(2) You can encourage participation with statements like “if you eat Shalosh Seudos, it’s only right that you sometimes pitch in”.
(3) You can accept the fact that some people consider paying dues enough of a participatory effort, and are not inclined to help out.

I’m more in the acceptance camp (3) although I think there is no harm in encouragement. I’m happy to be in a Shul with a healthy occupancy rate and without the attendance of the other members it would be a much less fulfilling experience for me. In need be, we will pay for services that member participation would’ve provided for free.

Some people think that participation, beyond dues, is the price all members must pay and they get very frustrated when members don’t pinch it. Although I’ve never seen it, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a Shul where participation is explicitly or implicitly expected from all members.

The size of the shul may determine which policy is adapted, although I’ll never forget the small out of town Shul I visited, where the Rabbi davened, leined, was gabbai, set up and cleaned up Shalosh Seudos. And he did it all with a smile and with no regrets.

For those who are participating, take pleasure in the fact that you have the opportunity and ability to do communal chesed. And for those sitting on the benches, it may be you’re right, but please consider pitching in on occasion, it will make everybody a little happier.

The Importance of Developing Emotional Connections

The Need For Emotional Connection
The Mesillas Yesharim teaches us that the basis of our Service of Hashem, is Deutoronomy 10:12 in Parshas Eikev: “And now, Israel, what does Hashem, your God, ask of you?
– Only to fear (be in awe of) Hashem, your God,
– to go in all His ways,
– and to love Him,
– and to serve Hashem, your God, with all your heart and all your soul,
– to observe the commandments of Hashem and His decrees, which I command you today, for your benefit.

We are quite good at observing the commandments, but many of us have trouble with the emotional component, specifically that of loving Hashem. We know we are supposed to love Hashem, but do we actually experience that love emotionally?

Without a strong emotional connection to Hashem and Torah, our mitzvos become rote, our davening becomes rushed, and we look to our possessions, our vacations, our vocations, and the worlds of sports, entertainment, and social media for emotional stimulation. It’s very likely that the spiritual malaise effecting large segments of our community is a result of a lack of a strong emotional connection to Hashem and Torah.

How Can We Develop Love
Rabbi Yitzchok Kirzner zt”l taught that to develop our Love of Hashem, we should work on Loving Our Fellow Jew, which is a commandment in its own right.

Love means to have a strong emotional connection. Most people have a strong emotional connection with their spouses, their children and their parents. But when we walk into Shul, with how many people do we actually feel a strong emotional connection?

To develop our love of our fellow Jews, we have to identify and relate to their positive qualities. One such quality is that at the root of every Jew is a pure spiritual soul. Every Jew is part of the collective soul of the Jewish people which unites us all. Every Jew is a child of Hashem and is loved by Hashem. Every Jew in our community places a part in creating an environment where we can grow through Torah and Mitzvos. And every Jew in our minyan, is instrumental in increasing the likelihood that Hashem will accept our Tefillos. We’ve identified a few positive qualities that give us the ammunition to develop our love.

Having identified the positive qualities, we have to actively and repeatedly think about that we love our fellow Jews because of their qualities. Thinking that we love someone is instrumental in actually developing that love. We shouldn’t be sidetrack by the fact that we love our spouses, children and parents more then our Shul members. We are obligated to love every Jew and each Jew has inherent positive qualities that form the foundation of love.

Actively thinking about our love of our fellow Jews is critical to developing that emotional capacity – and using it to love Hashem. So on a regular basis we can look around our Shul, and think about how we love this person, and that person, etc..

Loving Hashem
When we develop the practice of experiencing emotional love on a regular basis, we can then use that capability to Love Hashem. Our prayer books are filled with praise of the positive qualities of Hashem which give us many reasons to love Him. We have to actively think about how we love Hashem. It’s not enough to know it intellectually, we have to develop that love, by regularly thinking how we love Hashem.

It’s interesting that Chazal have put a special focus in the Three Weeks on developing a Love of our Fellow Jews. This is followed by the month of Elul, where we focus on Love of Hashem as indicated by ‘Ani L’Dodi V’Dodi Li’ – ‘I am for My Beloved and My Beloved is for Me’. Loving people and loving Hashem are commandments that are achievable. We can start on the right track every day in Shul with thoughts of Love. Don’t worry, nobody will know, but don’t be surprised if we start feeling them loving us back.

The Primary Shul Policy – Minimizing Machlokes

As we’ve discussed in the past, Hashem wants us to achieve some very specific things, one of which is “walking in his ways”. The Ramchal explains, based on Mishna 2.1 in Avos, that our actions should lead to true good, namely, strengthening of Torah and the advancement of friendship. Anything that connects people is good and anything that separates people is bad.

This leads to the primary Shul policy, which is minimizing machlokes.

The minimizing machlokes policy is not obvious or simple. My Rav lives by it and his guidance in Shul matters often has this principle at its root.

I remember an issue many years ago when two people in the Shul were having a disagreement. It was clear that one party was much more in the right. However the other party was significantly upset about the matter, so my marching orders were to try and appease the significantly upset person.

Hashem wants us to connect. Hashem wants us to be unitied. This is why minimizing the divisive effects of machlokes is the primary Shul Principle.

One last point to note is that sometimes an unavoidable decision must be made which will upset someone, creating a slight machlokes. However we must still strive to minimize the occurrence and degree of any machlokes. It’s not always easy because emotions often come into play, but the more we can internalize the principle the better chance we will have of implementing it and fulfilling Hashem’s directive.

A Framework for Alleviating Shul Anger

Over the years we’ve discussed many of the anger provoking Shul situations such as talking, shushing, cell phones ringing, seat misappropriation, fast davening, slow davening, tzedekah collectors, etc. I had a new one last week at Mincha. In the middle of my silent Shemoneh Esrai, my neighbor sneezed twice without covering his mouth, generously spraying me with his germs.

You have to wonder why there are so many anger provokers in a thrice-daily activity which should promote achdus. Perhaps the answer is that Shuls provide us with a training ground for which to learn to deal properly with anger, thereby improving our middos.

So how can we deal with these anger provoking incidents. Let me share with you a simple framework that I have found very useful, based on the teachings of Rabbi Dr. Benzion Twerski, son of Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski.

Anger is a signal that there is something wrong in a given situation. Hashem, Moshe, Pinchas, the Prophets all got angry when the Jewish people behaved inappropriately – something was wrong. When we get angry in Shul, it’s because we perceive that there’s something wrong. That person should not be talking. That cell phone should not be ringing. That person should not have asked me to change my seat. That neighbor should have covered his mouth.

When we experience the anger signal, the next question is what to do about. There are three basic options: 1) Say or do something now; 2) Say or do something at a later time; 3) Let it go. When the “what to do” analysis is done with a cool head, which it should be, much of the time the answer will be 3) Let it go. The key idea however is to acknowledge the anger has signaled that something is wrong, and now that we are aware of the situation, you can let the anger go.

What I like about the framework is that it’s workable, it’s Torah based, and it reveals the positive purpose of anger. Try it and let me know your experience.

Anger at Cell Phones in Shul

Maybe this has happened to you. In the middle of davening or a shiur, a cell phone rings.

Here are some ways this might be handled:

1) Recently, I saw the Shliach Tzibbur give a scolding “Nu” from the Amud. I’m not sure that handling a disturbance with a bigger disturbance and a public embarrassment makes sense.

2) Sometimes it is announced before davening that everybody should turn off their cell phone. At this point of cell phone adoption, I’m not sure that it makes sense to give this pre-announcement before every davening. It also might sound like a warning, that if you ignore this announcement, then wrath awaits.

3) In one minyan, the Gabbai made an announcement after davening reminding people to turn off their ringers and notifications. He is a caring person, so I suggested that the person was probably embarrassed when it went off and mentioning it again might increase his embarrassment. He agreed and no longer makes such an announcement.

4) One speaker announced after a phone rang, “Baruch Hashem I can hear”. Although he was trying to say that “it’s no big deal”, it might have caused added embarrassment by bringing attention to the matter.

5) Saying nothing but thinking that perhaps the offender is technically incompetent or inconsiderate.

6) Treating the ring as if someone coughed in the middle of davening. We wouldn’t get angry if someone coughed, so why should we get angry about a cell phone ring mistake.

7) Realizing that this incidence is really a test from Hashem and that the appropriate response is to feel bad about the embarrasment the cell phone possessor is feeling.

If we adopt number 6 or 7, we can actually transform this into a growth opportunity. I can’t wait for the next errant ring.

Making Things Right

One of the advantages of being involved in the day to day operations of a Shul is that it gives you the opportunity to develop a better understanding of people. One of the lessons that I’ve learned is that people want to make things right. People want to do what’s good for the Shul and what’s good for other people.

Despite these good intentions, people sometimes get upset and have disagreements. The main reason for disagreements is that people see each issue through their own lens which is shaped by their personality, experience and the roles they play. So despite the common desire to do what’s good and right, each person has a differing view of what is right in each situation.

One path to reducing disagreements is to try to see things from the other person’s perspective. This is often possible when you’re are third party observer, but when you’re more involved in the issue it becomes difficult. And even if you do see the other person’s perspective, you might still think your view is the correct one.

Perhaps a more practical solution is to understand that people are generally coming from a good place although they may disagree on any given issue. Even though you may feel slighted in a given situation, try not to take it personally as that’s usually not the person’s intent. People are good and the more we can get back to that anchoring perspective the better we’ll be at making things right.

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Beyond Prayer – A Fountain of Chesed

Beyond Prayer
As we’ve mentioned previously, Shuls are essential for communal prayer, but their importance as an avenue for Chesed can not be overstated. Without getting into a discussion of the differences between Shuls and communities, it’s clear that much of the person-to-person caring occurs in the Shul setting. Although we lead busy lives, there are so many valuable opportunities to help our friends and develop deeper relationships with acquaintances.

Times of Need
The loss of a close relative is a very difficult time and showing we care by paying a Shiva visit, cooking or helping to make a minyan means a lot to the mourner. We don’t have to be close friends and the person will be thankful for a lifetime.

When someone’s sick, receiving calls and visitors means a lot, as this chesed is usually taken on by a smaller portion of the Shul. It’s generally a good idea to call ahead to see if the person is up to visitors.

Simchos
Joyful times are even better when they are shared. When we’re invited to a wedding, it’s a good practice to make every effort to attend at least a part of it. Sometimes we make calculations of why we were invited, or that it’s not really necessary to go, but a good rule of thumb is to assume the person invited us because they wanted us to be there.

The birth of a baby is also an opportunity to show we care. Coming out on a Friday night for the Shalom Zucher means a lot to the family and it’s a time where our only obstacle is usually the inviting couch or bed. When we’re uncomfortable sitting for the meal, we can still daven at the Shul and watch the Bris itself.

Advice, Jobs, Shidduchim
Giving advice is another great way of connecting to our co-members. Whether it’s a plumber, a doctor, or a school, your opinion is valuable. If you have expertise in a subject, it’s even better.

Helping someone find a job or a shidduch are two of the greatest cheseds we can perform. Keeping our ears open and emailing or phoning any lead is really all that’s required. We sometimes refrain from getting involved because of the infrequency of success in these areas, but the person is thankful regardless of the results as our efforts demonstrate that we care.

Just Plain Shmoozing
Shmoozing is one of the most underestimated Chassadim. Our weeks are filled with work and obligations and asking someone how they’re doing and sharing a good word on Shabbos restores the equilibrium that we all need. This is one area where it’s helpful to break out of our comfort zones and reach out to people with whom we’re not so close. Not everybody has the same social circles, but everybody does have the need to feel recognized and cared about. It takes just a few seconds and it means a lot to most people.

Shuls are fountains of kindness and we can all drink and contribute to the flow.

Originally Published Jan 17, 2012

I Love My Seat

I’ve written before on how fortunate I feel to have so many close friends in my Shul. Nonetheless, today is a little bit of a blue day, because at 6:00 AM this morning, a flight took off from La Guardia to Fort Lauderdale. And on that flight was one of my closest friends, TG, who was taking the last leg of his year long move to East Boca.

I don’t want this to be a dinner-like salute to him and his wonderful wife, who is a close friend of my wife, but I do want to share two thoughts which are consistent with the themes of Shul Politics.

What is wonderful about friends, and people in general, is that each one of them is a world on to themselves. A unique combination of body, heart, mind and soul shaped by years of experience. As a result, we develop different relations with each friend, often based on our shared interests. TG is my unofficial (and unpaid) growth coach. He’s the only person who will approach me in Shul with a fist pumping “Growth Baby Growth” greeting. We also share a love of the 7 Habits, NLP, Mystical Judaism, Mussar and anything that will move us, the Shul, or the community in a growth direction.

The second thought has to do with emotions. As you may have noticed, men can be a little reserved when it comes to baring their emotions. Our Shul is a little above average here, in that hugs are quite common and there is a great camaraderie, but verbal male emotional bonding still mostly follows societal norms.

When TG first came to the Shul, he wanted to sit in my section, but there was no room for him and his sons, so I pointed out some other seating options, and I told him which I thought was the best choice. He took my suggestion and every so often he would tell me “I love my seat” and I would tell him “I’m glad to hear that”. But in reality, he didn’t need to keep on telling me that, he was really expressing something much deeper.

And now that he has moved and I won’t be hearing the “I love my seat” refrain any longer, I want to give him my real response, “TG – “I love you too.”.

There Will Be Conflicts in Shul – Our Job is to Resolve Them

I was talking to my Rav recently and he pointed out the obvious fact that when 10 people get together there will be conflicts. Most will be small and easily resolvable, but on occasion a bigger one will come our way. People have rights, people have interests and people have opinions and sometimes those rights, interests and opinions lead to machlokes.

When machlokes does occur, it’s important to keep in mind that our goal is to eliminate (or minimize) the machlokes. Our sense of justice leads us in the direction of siding with the party more in the right, but restoring peace is a higher priority than judging the situation.

A second thing to keep in mind is that not all conflicts will be resolved overnight or even in a few days. It’s up to the Shul administration to devise and pursue a strategy to resolve the conflict. If that doesn’t work, it’s time to go to plan B and sometime C, D and E. It can be frustrating and tiring, but the administration must be proactive, and not avoid their obligation to try and restore peace.

One final point that’s worth noting is that Shabbos morning is a poor time to try and resolve a conflict, even though that’s the time when a conflict is most likely to occur. For one thing, there’s not much time given that the davening is proceeding. Secondly it makes the conflict more public and therefore more damaging.

Conflicts in Shul are not fun, but here are three consolations in conflict resolution:
1) There are ample growth opportunities
2) It’s one of our main missions in our man to man relationships
3) The resulting peace and quiet tastes so good

Personalized Psak and Guidance – The Rabbi Relationship Requirement

On my recent stays in the Old City and Ramat Beit Shemesh, I discovered that many of my friends living there don’t have a close relationship with a Rabbi. This is a trend in the United States as well, due in part to the Shteibilzation of Shuls, the multi-minyan big Shul structures, and the fact that a single Rabbi is hard pressed to serve more that 200-250 learned members who ask a significant amount of questions and requests for advice.

In a recent shiur for Kollel students on Taharas HaMishpacha, my Rav mentioned that some people like to ask their questions in this area anonymously. He respects their desire for privacy, but at the same time he pointed out that an anonymous questioner can only get a textbook response. The halacha runs the gamut from pressing situations, leniencies, normative halacha and various degrees of stringencies, and often a one-size-fits all psak is not optimal.

Beyond Psak, a Rabbi who knows and cares about a family, can give advice and guidance on the many difficult issues that arise regarding health care, senior care, schooling, chinuch, shidduchim and parnassah, to name a few. A Rav once mentioned that he felt that providing guidance and advice was a more important part of the Rabbinate then providing Psak.

My friends in Eretz Yisroel and here, without a close Rabbi relationship, feel handicapped by it. I think we need to provide new structures to enable relationships between Rabbis and lay people. The current Shul structures are not serving many people’s needs.

Let me throw out the idea of a family paying about $360 to a virtual Shul which allows him to get email responses to quick questions and phone or in-person meetings for guidance, advice and questions when needed. Can this work? Will people pay? Can we match up people with appropriate Rebbeim?

Emotional Bank Accounts and Letting it Slide

One of the powerful metaphors of the late Steven Covey’s classic, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, is the Emotional Bank Account (EBA). The EBA defines the degree of trust and the depth of the relationship between two people. In good relationships between friends, the positive interactions act as deposits, building a high balance in the EBA. The lack of interactions or negative interactions acting as withdrawals lowering your balance. The degree of trust, acceptance and forgiveness correlates with the balance in the EBA.

The “Digital Shuls” post from last week illustrates two examples of this principle. A few of my closer friends from Shul check their messages in Shul and the post, which they read, questioned whether that was proper behavior. Since I have a high EBA with them they heard what I was saying and did not begrudge me for saying it. One friend pointed out that smart phones, with their organization and communication functions, have become so integral to our day to day living, that it seems perfectly normal to check it in Shul, just as it would be acceptable to update a paper-based to-do list.

The “Digital Shuls” post was not actually prompted by the Shul phone usage of my friends. I pretty much accept their usage, because they’re close friends. What prompted the post, was the iPad usage at my weekday Shacharis minyan by someone I don’t know well. I found it distracting, but if we had a closer relationship and a higher EBA, I probably would’ve ignored it altogether.

In Shuls we let a lot of behaviors slide, because of high EBAs and that’s a good thing. The downside is that when behavior adjustment is called for, we don’t get a call out from our friends, and our friends are the ones most likely to help us change for the better.

Postscript: A Tzedakah collector was making the rounds during Tachanun in my weekday minyan. When he was at the iPad user’s table, I noticed that there was a $5 bill on the floor right next to the chair of the iPad user. I went over and picked it up and gave it to him and motioned that it fell out of his pocket.

After davening, I said it was a good Bava Metzia question as I never actually saw it fall and in theory, it could have been the Tzedakah collectors. He said that he checked his pocket and he was indeed missing a $5. We exchanged name introductions, and deposits were made into both our EBAs. I’m beginning to think that the iPad isn’t so distracting after all.

Yom Tovim in Shul – Of Guests and Gabbaim

Yom Tovim are wonderful times for Shuls. In Eretz Yisroel, 3 of the 7 days were major davening days, while in Chutz L’Aretz 5 of the 8 days were major davening days this year.

The major issue is accommodating the many guests. Of course the always present seating issue arises. Most people will gladly give up there makom kavua for a given tefilla, and giving it up for a week presents an increased opportunity to display selflessness. In my observations, people are usually up to the challenge, and it can be made even easier if the host families strongly and sincerely express their thanks for the accommodation.

Watching the Gabbai try to accommodate kibbudim for all the guests is a sight to behold. Most people are happy when their father, brother, son and in-law variations get an aliyah or other honor, and it’s the Gabbai’s job to make as many people as happy as possible. In addition the Gabbai has to get many Baalei Tefillah, trying to match Shul member preferences with personal styles.

The Krias HaTorah line up has to be selected, and due to the shorter leining length, more younger members want to try their hand at kriah. Usually it works out, but when somebody is not so prepared, or a little nervous, it can be awkward for both the leiner and the listeners.

The last accommodation is for Shiurim. Sons and sons-in-laws learning in Yeshiva are home for the holiday and it’s a great opportunity for them to prepare and deliver a shiur to the Shul. It’s also an opportunity for members to hear different styles of shiurim and for fathers and father-in-laws to shep a little nachas.

Shuls are front and center during the Yom Tovim and it’s an added delight when our extended families can enhance the learning and davening.

Thermometers and The Problem of Objective Standards

A Policy Enforced By Thermometer
In a previous post about The Politics of the Open Shul Window, I recommended setting a policy based on using thermometers and creating a committee or a person to enforce a temperature based policy. A recent incident caused me to re-evaluate that suggestion.

A New Clock Arrives
My weekday Shul is in a small room that fits about 35 people and it can get quite warm when the window is closed, which it often is. It’s basically a grin and bear it situation. Recently, one of the Mispallim donated a big new atomic clock (it’s a Neitz (sunrise) minyan), with a digital thermometer visible to all. After davening, I looked at the thermometer and it was 78 degrees. I went to the Gabbai and mentioned that 78 degrees is warm by objective standards, and I asked if perhaps it can be remedied.

Returning to the Scene
I was away for a few days, and when I came back it was cooler in the room, because the window had been open, but the thermometer was changed to Celsius. When I noted the Celsius change to the Gabbai, he just smiled. He also mentioned that a local Rav had a thermometer to monitor the temperature, but subsequently removed it.

The Problem of Objective Standards
On the surface objective standards seem fine, because they’re measurable and fair. The problem comes because the objective standard makes everybody a potential enforcer of the policy and that’s usually unworkable. With an objective standard, any person can insist that one degree above the agreed upon temperature requires the window to be open. There usually needs to be some discretion in policy enforcement and the objective standard eliminates that.

What’s the solution? Assign someone to be responsible for the temperature and opening of the windows, but don’t state an objective standard that can be called to enforcement by any member.

The Oneg

Some great community resources are not planned, they’re just born. The Oneg is one of them. A good friend and his family were moving from the outskirts of Kew Gardens Hills to my block. After they moved, he invited me over for a L’chaim one Friday night. It was a great time and I said, “Why don’t you have an Oneg every week?”. And thus “The Oneg” was born.

Every Friday night, this family opens their heart, their house and their kitchen to whoever wants to come by. Some fruit, some cake, some chips and now the weekly Frulent – the Friday night Chulent. And beverages and a L’Chaim for whoever wants. Many people come and don’t partake, and even those who do, it’s very limited and controlled with no one even come close to drunkenness. People come for the people, the comfort, the conversation.

One family comes regularly with the youngest giving over his short weekly Dvar Torah. There are other people who stop by regularly, but many come periodically, whenever it works for them. I personally try to stop by at least once a month, and it’s truly a warm, wonderful place. Whoever wants can say a Dvar Torah, and people have the good sense to keep it short and relevant. We’re not such a singing chevra, so there’s no regular zemiros, but if anybody started, others would quickly join it.

To replicate this it’s good to have a host family where people really feel comfortable coming by. It’s nice that it’s weekly, but monthly would also work. You can rotate homes. If it’s hard to find host homes, then do it in Shul. Every community Oneg will have it’s own feel – and it’s all good! The bottom line is that people have a wonderful opportunity to enjoy Shabbos with their friends, after the busy week many of us experience.

Why Is There So Much Shul Politics?

Shul Politics Makes Us Smile
When I tell people that we’re starting a Website call shulpolitics.com they invariably smile. Why is that? Because there’s a lot of shul politics going on.

The Roles of a Shul
If you Wikipedia the word shul, you’re taken to the page for Synagogues which includes the following:

A synagogue from the Greek for “assembly” is a Jewish house of prayer.

Israelis use the Hebrew term bet knesset (assembly house). Jews of Ashkenazi descent have traditionally used the Yiddish term “shul” (from the German Schule, school) in everyday speech….Some Reform Jews use temple. The Greek word synagogue is a good all-around term, to cover the preceding possibilities.

Synagogues have a large hall for prayer, and can also have smaller rooms for study and sometimes a social hall and offices. Some have a separate room for Torah study, called the beit midrash (Sfard) or beis midrash (Ashkenaz) which means “House of Study”.

Synagogues often take on a broader role in modern Jewish communities and may include additional facilities such as a catering hall, kosher kitchen, religious school, library, day care center and a smaller chapel for daily services.

We’re going to use the word shul here because it’s short, part of our title and the term with which I’m most comfortable. An interesting side bar is that “Shul Politics” beats “Synagogue Politics” by a margin of 3,330 to 1,580 in results found when searching with the quotes around the words in Google.

All shuls are used for prayer, but depending on the type of shul (which we’ll discuss next week) they differ in their Torah study and communal and auxiliary functions and in some situations the shul functions as the center of Jewish community in the midst of the larger geographic community.

Why Politics?
Let’s Wikipedia the word, politics:

A process by which groups of people make collective decisions.

Depending on the structure, shuls often operate in a collective decision making mode in which case their primary process is one of politics, groups of people making collective decisions. Political processes bring conflicting viewpoints to the table and resolving the tensions in these conflicts is not always easy.

Authority Distribution
Shuls are primarily for the benefit of their members, but different degrees of authority are distributed among the Rabbi, president, treasurer, other officers, board members, gabbai and general membership. The financial structure will also be a determinant on how authority is distributed. Although a general member is often lower in the authority ranking, the membership often has a strong collective voice and their participation and attendance or lack thereof ultimately determines the success of the shul.

When you factor the range of activities, the authority distribution, the financial contributions, the needs of the general memberships and the different points of view, you get a lot of shul politics.

Purpose of this Site
Our goal is to better understand shul politics and hopefully improve the shul experience. We’ll look at the issues, the tensions and possible paths to resolution. We won’t be talking about the politics of any specific shul, just the general issues.

Initially we’ll be publishing a post once a week.

Please join us by reading, commenting, subscribing and sending in your guest posts to shulpolitics@gmail.com.