Shabbos Archives - Shul Politics

The Connection Power of the Kiddush

It’s no secret that a major part of Torah Judaism involves Bein Adam L’Chaveiro. Regarding the negative commandments, we need to avoid Lashon Hara, embarassing people, insulting people, taking revenge, holding a grudge, hating in our heart, etc… For the positive commandments, we need to give good advice, find people jobs, apartments, shidduchim, help them grow, and love our neighbors as ourselves, etc…

Our busy weekday lives often minimize our face to face contacts, but thankfully we have Shabbos, a time for God, family, and friends. The positive trend towards reducing conversation in Shul during davening, leaves the kiddush as the major time to build connection.

The food at the kiddush is the vessel over which we connect and too much focus on the food will reduce the positive social interaction. Three variables effect the connection-building capabilities: the number of people; whether it is sitting our standing; and whether it is in the Shul/social hall or in somebodies’ home.
– The more people at the kiddush, the more difficult it is to have a deeper and longer conversation.
– A sit down kiddush creates better connections than a standing one.
– A kiddush in a house is more intimate and connection building than one in the Shul/Social Hall.

The large stand up kiddush in the Shul is at the lower end of the connection-building scale, while a private sit-down kiddush in somebodies’ home creates a high-connection environment. Unfortunately, the sit-down kiddush in somebodies home is usually not a Shul event, it does not scale to Shul size, and it can create an air of exclusivity. The most practical alternative is a sit down kiddush in the Shul. If you scale down the menu to cracker, cookies, chips, dips and drinks, the sit down kiddush becomes more achievable.

Whatever the form, kiddushim are an important social component of your Shul. We hope and pray that the end of Covid will come soon and the Shul Kiddush in all its formats will return.

The Cure for Covid Condensed Congregations

Even before Covid, Shuls were downsizing due to Shtiebelization. Covid drove more downsizing, distancing and davening at dizzying speeds. A friend told me that he can get out of bed at 9:30 am, go to the next door davening tent, and be finished with Shabbos Morning davening by about 10:30 am, with a grab and go kiddush to boot. Perhaps there was a pent-up demand for such davening and Covid just paved the way.

Fortunately the famous Ramban at the end of Parsha Bo revealed the vaccine for this situation. He teaches us that the plagues showed the world that G-d is the source of all existence, who knows all, oversees all, is all powerful, shows favor to the Jews, and communicates to us through prophecy. The purpose of all the commandments is that we should believe in G-d and acknowledge to Him that He created us.

And the purpose of raising our voices in prayer and the purpose of Shuls and the merit of communal prayer is that people should have a place where they can gather and acknowledge that G-d created them and caused them to be and they can publicize this and declare before Him, “We are your creations”.

So the cure for Covid Condensed Congregations is to focus on the purpose of our Shuls and think about Hashem, our creator, as we pray and perform the many mitzvos of Shabbos morning. I think we’re all capable of thinking about Hashem a few times each Shabbos. As we succeed, the spiritual pleasure we experience surely exceeds the pleasure from a shortened faster davening.

Hashem provide the vaccine for spiritual malaise during Yetizias Mitzrayim. Shabbos morning we all have an appointment to get inoculated.

A Closer Look at the Hashkama Minyan

The conventional rap on the Hashkama Minyan is that it’s a utilitarian minyan for those who want their davening fast and early. Another objection is that the participants are less connected to the Rabbi and the Shul than those who daven at the main minyan. Although these may be valid points, let’s take a closer look.

I was in Lawrence about a year ago and my host davened at the Hashkama Minyan. There were both men and women present. It was a reasonable pace, followed by a generous hot kiddush. After that, there was a 30 minute shiur by one of the prominent Baalei Machshava of the area. It was a fantastic Shabbos morning experience and I would be hard pressed to resist making it my mainstay if I lived in the area.

The Hashkama Minyan in my shul is missing the kiddush and the shiur, but it is structured to overcome some of the potential deficiencies. The davening is a reasonable pace, but time is saved by running the service efficiently. There is a weekly Dvar Torah giving by one of the participants and on occasion by our Rabbi. And due to the efforts of the Gabbai, who was recently honored at our Shul Dinner, there is a sense of community among the mispallim. I daven there about once a month, and I find it a very positive experience.

Like most things in the Jewish Community, Hashkama Minyanim are what you make them. If you throttle the speed, mix in some Torah, and infuse a sense of Tzibbur, the value of the Hashkama Minyan increases greatly.

A Great Shabbos in Lawrence

My wife and I had the pleasure of spending Shabbos with friends who moved from Kew Gardens Hills to Lawrence almost 20 years ago. During the course of the Shabbos I spend some time with two other friends who also made that move at about the same time. Although I do see all of them from time to time at weddings and other venues, it was nice to spend some time with them in their neighborhood.

One of the striking things about Lawrence is the number of great Shuls there and across Route 878 in Far Rockaway. The number of great choices is growing. On Friday night we davened at a newer Shul which has gone from a house Shul to a beautifully renovated 180 men’s seat Shul in a few years. The quietness and slowness of the davening was the right complement to the tasteful and comfortable Shul interior.

The Shabbos morning davening at an older established Shul was the highlight of the Shabbos davening. The Shul had three Shabbos morning minyanim starting at 7:30, 8:30 and 9:00. We davened at the 8:30 minyan which was well paced and quiet. After the conclusion of davening, a nice cholent, kugel, herring and scotch kiddush was served. After the kiddush there was a great shiur on the parsha by Rabbi Ari Bergman, another former Kew Gardens Hill resident, which was attended by about 30 men and women. When the shiur ended we rushed upstairs to catch the last 10 minutes of the post-davening shiur of their scholar-in-residence. The only thing missing for me was a Rav’s drasha, which is given at the 9:00 minyan.

It’s great to see that Long Island Jews are putting the time, energy and resources to make sure that their spiritual surroundings match their physical environs.

The Meaningful Act of Just Showing Up

My oldest daughter and son-in-law were blessed with the birth of their first child, a baby boy on Shabbos of Parsha Vayigash, which also brought with it the blessings of a Shabbos Bris. A Shabbos Bris is an amazing event consisting of a family meal, a Shalom Zucher, Shabbos Davening, the Bris, a Kiddush, a Seudas Mitzvah Lunch and the rest of Shabbos. It’s even more festive than a Shabbos Sheva Brochos.

Shalom Zucherim, Brissim, Kiddushim are tremendous opportunities to deepen our connections to our friends and all it takes is just showing up. Through the various activities I continually thought, “How nice it is that he stopped by?”. Some people just poked their head in for a second at the Shalom Zucher. The effort to leave the comforts of home on Shabbos night, just to say hi, made an impression. My closest friends came to three or four of the activities. It meant a lot to me. That’s the stuff great friendships are made of.

I also had the pleasure to attend two vorts this week. Local vorts are often attendance no-brainers. It’s the longer distance vorts which create the growth opportunities. “I don’t have that much time to spare.” “We’re not that close.” “I’ll probably be invited to to the wedding.” These are all good excuses, but the meaningfulness of the act is proportionate to the effort. Long distance and time consuming attendance shows that you care. And the people on the receiving end really appreciate it.

We’re busy. We’re distracted. We’re sometimes lazy. It’s hard to go to all the things that we know we should. That’s why we can be pretty sure that the meaningful act of just showing up brings the rewards of deeper connections in this world and the rewards of being a chesed personality in the next.

Preventing a Shabbos of Brocha from Space and Time Overflow

Unlike the 700 member, 10-15 aliyos mega-service at the YI of Woodmere, our Shul typically has about 100 men, 7+1 aliyos, and a 8:30-10:45 davening, with a drasha, on Shabbos. So it was with a little trepidation that we prepared for what was coined the “Shabbos of Brocha”. It started with a graduation kiddush and Rabbi Avrohom Stulberger from LA as our Scholar-in-Residence. Then we added an Aufruf. Then a Shalom Zucker. And finally it was topped off by the brisim of twins.

We were filled with joy, but we were also concerned for an overflow into the space and time continuums. How crowded would it be with all the guests and how long would the davening be with the extra Scholar in Residence drasha, the Rav’s drasha for the aufruf, and the two brisim.

On the space frontier, we enlisted a few more seat gabbaim, prepared the hallways with extra folding chairs, and sent a heads up email to the membership, reiterating our no-makom-kavua policy for simchas. We also advised people to get their early, if possible. As it turned out, seating was not an issue. Some members davened elsewhere. In addition, the Bris guests did not realize the first bris would be before Mussaf and the second bris after davening, and many came after davening was over, unfortunately missing one of the brisim.

On the time continuum, Rabbi Stulberger made great use of the 8-10 minutes he was allotted for his drasha. The davening was sped up slightly. There were only 2 extra aliyos. The misheberachs were said quickly and the gabbaim were on there toes to preventing any unnecessary schlepping. And they succeeded! We were enjoying cholent and kugel at the kiddush by about 11:30 am.

As a member said afterwards, it was like preparing for Hurricane Gloria and it never came. Nonetheless everyone agreed that it’s always wise to make sure you have a big enough cup to handle all your brochos.

The Death and Life of the Shabbos Drasha

I was at the Torah UMesorah Convention this past Shabbos and I listened to about 10 Drashas over Shabbos. Although the attendance at the Drashas was respectful, many of the attendees opted out of most of them. The Shabbos Drasha, which has been an integral part of the Shul growth experience over the decades is under attack.

Two common sources of blame for its demise are shorter attention spans and the appeal of shorter yeshivish-like minyanim. In many larger Shuls this has lead to a situation where the main sanctuary is empty on Shabbos as people opt for the shorter drasha-less minyanim. As it turned out, one Rabbi who actually turned around his Shul’s main minyan with his amazing drashas was at the convention, Rabbi Eytan Feiner. But the reality is that most Rabbaim don’t have Rabbi Feiner’s oratory flair, but that isn’t really what the drasha is about anyway.

The drasha is about relationships. The relationship between a teacher and a student. The relationship between the parsha and its relevance to our growth. The relationship between a Rav, who aspires to inspiration and teaching without preaching, and his congregants. It’s about hitting singles week by week in a generation that loves the long ball.

The drasha is for us. Prepared by one caring Rav who has the difficult task of giving one talk to 50-500 people with varying spiritual needs and interests. In our communities, no one is there for us like our Rebbeim. And the drashas are the spiritual arms that he uses to reach out, to comfort, and to draw us closer to Hashem and His Torah. Let’s not make the mistake of opting out of this wonderful spiritual tool. Please regularly attend your Rav’s drashas, for the benefit of all of us.

Shalosh Seudos is the New Shul Social

In larger Jewish communities, it seems that Shuls are less of a hub of social activities these days. This might be because people are busier with their work and family lives, there are more entertainment avenues available, or perhaps because people are less comfortable socializing in mixed groups. The Shabbos Kiddush is still a mainstay, but my experience is that many people stay for just a short while, and after the cake and kugle, there’s not too much time left for socialization.

One social activity that does seem to be running at full throttle is Shalosh Seudos. On Shabbos afternoons from Succos to Pesach, after Mincha, the men march down to the social hall to fill the rows of long tables. Although there’s no reserved seating by Shalosh Seudos, many people seem to sit in the same section, comfortably shmoozing with the same group of friends.

Although the food is usually nothing to write home about, after a hearty Shabbos lunch it’s more than enough. Starting with the fast moving lines at the washing sinks, the borrowing of a roll for lechem mishneh, and the refrains of pass the egg salad, the seltzer, the chips and the herring, this smallest of Shabbos meals meets the halachic requirements, while at the same time filling the bread-breaking function that has bound people together since the times of the Torah.

When I see all the people talking, eating and enjoying each other’s company, it shows that we really need to socialize, and we’re fortunate that the “progress” of society has not taken away this Shabbos afternoon oasis. In a future post will talk about some of the aspects of running and maximizing the Shalosh Seudos experience. Until then, enjoy your Shalosh Seudos.

Dear Jack, I Was the One Who Said “You’re in My Seat”

Dear Jack,

I read your article on the OU’s website titled, You’re in My Seat, and I would like to apologize for being one of the five people who asked you to change your seat. I was one of the people who asked you nicely, but I should have immediately found you an available seat.

In a previous Shul where I davened, in which there were a lot of non-observant guests, we would never ask a person to move to an available seat, because of the possibility of causing offense. But here, we assume observant guests know that Shuls often have fixed seats and that our guests will ask someone for help in finding an available seat. Clearly, that was a mistake and I will try to make our members aware that they should be proactive and always help guests find an available seat.

Although you pointed to the halacha of Makom Kavua as a possible reason we asked you to move, it’s not the only reason we have fixed seats in our Shul. Most of us work pretty hard during the week and Shabbos morning is our refuge where we can sit peacefully, daven, learn, and listen to the drasha. As you’ve seen it can be quite disconcerting to have to find a seat each Shabbos, so we’ve contributed our time and money to keep our Shul running, enabling each of to have a seat we can call our own. From my experience, a regular Shabbos seat is close to a basic human need for observant Jews who daven with a minyan every Shabbos.

Although you suggest that we get there on time if we want our regular seat, our membership, in consideration of our individual situations, voted to give us the rights to our seats until Borechu. Even with that right, I would have gladly sat in another seat. However for various personal situations I usually can’t get to Shul earlier than Borechu, and because I have a desirable aisle seat, I would in fact never get to sit in my regular seat.

All the above notwithstanding, I want to apology on behalf of the Shul for this incident. If you can remember and publicize the good guest rule, “to ask for an available seat”, and we can remember the good host rule, “to immediately find an available seat for our guests”, we hopefully can both make our Shuls and communities, a better place.

With Apologies
Mike

Shortening Shabbos Davening

The following post was written by Rabbi Michael Green who is Overseas Director at Bnot Torah Institute and teaches Bible, Jewish Philosophy, Jewish Mysticism, Jewish Holidays, and Contemporary Halacha.

Rabbi Efrem Goldberg is the Senior Rabbi of the Boca Raton Synagogue (BRS). His congregation is rapidly-growing with over 650 families. It follows that he is someone who cares for the needs of all of his congregants. Indeed, the other day, he asked (here) on his Twitter account the following question, “how would u shorten shabbos morning davening within halachik boundaries in an effort to make it more enjoyable and meaningful?”

This question elicited several responses. Rabbi Eli Storch of DRS answered (here), “take away the hosafos in leining. no misheberachs after the aliya. Don’t sing while taking out the Torah,” while Mordechai Holtz, the COO of Meor, replied (here) that he should consider what I believe to be an even more drastic method. Namely, Mordechai suggested modifying the services to be more akin to, “Israeli style [in which there’s] no speech during davening (do it post-prayer where those w/ kids dont feel pressured).” Rabbi Gil Student of TorahMusings.com replied with an answer that I see to be a healthy medium. He wrote (here), that the service should simply offer a “quick dvar Torah rather than sermon and no extra mishebeirachs. Minimize time people are just standing around.”

Rabbi Goldberg countered to Student’s tweet by writing (here), “many, ba’alei teshuva in particular, find more meaning in sermons than tefila.” As an aside, it is worth noting that BRS is very active in all things Kiruv and was recognized as such by NJOP at their seventeenth annual dinner. It follows that Rabbi Goldberg, who also attended Ner Le’Elef, is sensitive to the needs of Baalie Teshuva as he has congregants and their families who are not your typical FFB.

Frankly, I believe that something should be done to allow for more “family time” on Shabbos. After all, when the “Main Minyan” begins at 9:00am it may not end (1) until 12:00pm. Accordingly, there are people who may not get home from synagogue until as late as 12:30pm.

As such, ones Shabbos lunch may not start until as early as 12:30pm and as late as 1:30pm.(2) In an informal poll of my students every girl told me that the average Shabbos lunch takes approximately two hours. It follows that certainly in the winter months when Shabbos ends earlier, there is very little time before one must return to Shul for Mincha, Shalosh Seudos (3) and Maariv. This leaves little time to learn some Torah on your own, let alone go over your child(rens) Parsha Sheet, (4) or learn some Mishnayos or what not (let alone) individually with each one of your children…and this is assuming that the Chulent didn’t get to you and compel you to take the ever so important Shabbos afternoon shluf!

Rabbi Fink of Pacific Jewish Center contends here and here with my position that Shabbos is a family oriented day. In fact, he believes that, “Shabbos is for community/connection,” and that “much of the day is spent in Shul. As it should be.”

This is in stark contrast with the fact that we incorporate our children into the Shabbos experience beginning Friday night. Indeed, one of the first blessings one recites after walking home from Shul is the blessing one bestows upon each and every child in their family! See also Sefer Emek HaMelech (Hakdama 3 Ch. 4) who records that even the saintly Rabbi Bezalel Ashkenazi valued the importance of “family time” that he returned to his family on Shabbos and then promptly left once again to continue his Torah learning in seclusion.

I have a Mesorah from my Rebbeim on down, that Shabbos is a day to bond with ones family. It is a day to show ones children the true beauty and essence of Shabbos. If not now then when? I believe that one espouses genuine sentiments of Kedusha directly upon their impressionably young children in their home and at their Shabbos table—and not at Youth Groups or a Teen Minyan. Certainly in an era that is plagued with concepts such as, “Half-Shabbos,” if we are able to simply be home and demonstrate our love for the beauty of Shabbos, we can do our part to impart upon our children that this day is filled not with socializing in Shul but with sanctity. Sanctity begins in our home, our mikdash me’at and moves on from there…

In short, Shabbos is a time of “Ish al machanayhu.” Moreover, certainly in today’s world when kids have hours on end of homework and a father and/or mother may return home as late as 8pm tired after a long day at work, Shabbos becomes an even more essential day. It is the one day that a parent is assured that he or she will be able to spend time with his family, let alone transmit the Torah ideals of Shabbos and the beauty of Judaism.

Shabbos is not a day to network. It is not a day to connect with ones community. It is a day, if not the only day of the week, that one can use to strengthen ones home.

Granted, I agree with Rabbi Fink that it’s important to work on communal connections. This can be done on any other day of the week. It can even be done on Sunday. After all, ones kids may be in school or playing little league baseball on Sunday. For instance, Sunday morning is a perfect time to learn with fellow congregants over a brunch or pack Mishloach Manos with other community friends, and so on and so forth.

In 2012, there is only one day that we are guaranteed to have all of our family together without any digital distractions…that day is Shabbos.

Yes, there is time Friday night when Shabbos starts early to learn and spend times with ones children. However, with certainly young children, there are many years in which they are only up for Kiddush and HaMotzei before they fall asleep under the table, on the couch, etc. etc. Likewise, in the summer months there still isn’t that much of a long afternoon that one has available to them. Certainly, if ones son or daughter is going to a friends house, attending a Pirchei, Bnos, or a Bnei Akiva group, that longer Shabbos afternoon isn’t really that long.

In a follow up to this post I will share with you a novel approach that I have seen work towards solving the fact that Shabbos morning services can easily lag on for hours on end. As such, I believe that it could help, if not be a Halachic answer to Rabbi Goldberg’s question.

Until then I turn to you dear reader and ask, how do you view Shabbos? Do you view it as a family oriented day or a shul/community oriented day? I look forward to hearing your comments.

For more on this topic see Rabbi Reuven Spolter’s post here: http://j.mp/wfaH5G

(1) When I use the word end, I am including the holy grail that no one would ever cut out, namely the Kiddush that typically follows Shabbos morning services.

(2) After all, sometimes you need to stop by another Shul to wish a Mazel Tov at someone elses Kiddush, Bar Mitzvah, etc. etc.

(3) For many reasons from convenience on down, I have seen that people do not return home for this meal and instead remain in Shul, shmooze with their friends at the table, sing some nice songs, and hear some closing remarks on the Parsha from the Rabbi.

(4) Children as young as two years old receive this review of the week from his/her Rebbe or Morah. As ones children get older the Parsha Sheet is not only a helpful review for the child, but it may allow one to know what is and isn’t being covered in the classroom. To simply skip this Parsha Sheet would be a mistake. And yet, even if you assume that Mr. Ploni Almonistein has four children and will spend ten minutes on this sheet per child, that means that simply reading it and giving each child the time that they deserve takes a good forty minutes. I know that some parents like to “kill two birds with one stone” and go over the Parsha Sheet at the Shabbos table. In reality though, the Shabbos table is not an ideal time to blow through the questions that each and every child has within their Parsha Sheet. After all, there’s a lot going on at a family oriented Shabbos table. Likewise, one may have children who are at the young age that they can’t be compelled to sit at the table for a long stretch of time. And so, doing this privately on a couch in the morning or after lunch with your arm lovingly wrapped around your child, can impart genuine sentiments of warmth as well as show your child that they have your undivided attention!