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Bein Adam LeChavero Opportunities in Shul

A friend of my friend is now my friend. My friend Menachem Lipkin from Beit Shemesh messaged me about a post-of-interest that his friend David Bar-Cohn had written. It’s an amazing post titled: Shul – The Place for Interpersonal Mitzvot where David lists 74 Bein Adam LeChavero Opportunities in Shul.

I thought the list was amazing. I asked David if I could break it down over a few posts so we would have more time to digest and let the ideas marinate a little longer.

Here’s David’s intro:

People naturally think of shul as being primarily a bein adam lamakom domain (“between a person and God”). But in fact, the opportunities to exercise interpersonal sensitivity in shul are so numerous, so constant, that one could reasonably argue that it’s predominantly a bein adam lechavero experience (“between a person and their fellow”).

And of course, all our ritual religiosity is just pomp and circumstance (Chapter 1 of Yeshayahu/Isaiah actually calls it “abomination”) when that religious behavior isn’t built on a foundation of human decency and sensitivity.

With that in mind, here’s just (the first 20 of) a partial list of bein adam lechavero opportunities in shul:

1. Not going to shul if you’re sick or contagious, or if you must, keeping a distance from people.

2. Covering your mouth when you sneeze or cough, washing hands after blowing your nose – even if you’re not sick.

3. Brushing teeth and using deodorant so as not to make it unpleasant for fellow shul-goers.

4. Helping at home before leaving for shul – getting the kids ready, cleaning up, etc.

5. Coming with your own siddur or chumash if you know the shul is usually short.

6. Getting to shul on time if you know someone needs to say kaddish and they might be short on people.

7. Helping set up the shul for davening.

8. Making sure the women’s section is set up properly, comfortably.

9. Making sure the temperature is set correctly so people aren’t uncomfortable.

10. Asking whether a seat is someone’s makom kevua (set seat).

11. Not being angry at or embarrassing someone who sits in your makom kevua.

12. Not taking up more seats or space than necessary with your things.

13. Not saving seats if the people you’re saving them for aren’t going to arrive reasonably soon and the seats are needed by people already there.

14. Making sure everyone has a seat, especially older people.

15. Offering a seat by a table or a shtender to an older person, so they have somewhere to put down their siddur and other things.

16. Making sure people who need have a siddur and chumash.

17. Extending a greeting (or if you can’t talk, a non-verbal smile or handshake) to the person who sits down next to you, and in general greeting people warmly when they walk in.

18. Introducing yourself to a new face, making them feel welcome, noticed.

19. Helping someone not familiar with the davening find their place in the siddur, and finding them a siddur and chumash with a translation.

20. Being careful not to whack people with your tallis, either when putting it on or while davening with particular fervor.

21. Minimizing the clamor your chair makes when you stand up or sit down.

Our Orthodox Life – Not to be Confused with a Netflix Series with a Similiar Name

To me the wonder of Orthodox Judaism is the ability to make connections. We can take a simple breakfast and with the right blessings and focus, we can use it to serve and connect to Hashem.

But it’s the connections to people that really awes me about Torah Judaism. Three times a day we gather with different groups of people and we spend 15 to 60 minutes praying to Hashem. We are creating an amazing act of collective spiritual in service in these minyanim. I was in Boro Park recently and I went into a Chassidish Steibel to daven Maariv. We were all on the same page despite the differences in our backgrounds. Just 10+ plus people trying to elevate our souls together.

At a recent wedding I witnessed a couple in their forties, marrying off their 1st child to a couple in their seventies, who were marrying off their 12th. I knew the parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles of the Kallah. While I had learned Torah with the uncles of the Choson as did two of my son-in-laws. The truth is that at every wedding, every person in the room is connected in joy and celebration with the new bride and groom. Our Orthodox lives are packed with shared joy.

And then comes Shabbos, where we get to connect and spend some pleasurable and spiritual quality time with our family and closest of friends. The best part of every week is connected to these special people in our homes and in our Shuls.

The Orthodox Life – what a truly wonderful life!

The Joy of Loving Your Shul

The Gemara in Taanis (29a) teaches us that Mishenichnas Adar Marbim B’simcha, when Adar begins we increase our happiness. Rashi comments that “Purim and Pesach were days of miracles for Yisrael” and therefore Adar and Nisan are joyous months. Let’s take a brief dive into the Torah concept of happiness so that we can maximize our joy during this wondeful time.

The Maharal in his commentary to Mishna 6.1 in Avos teaches that happiness flows from completion just as grief is the result of loss and deficiency. Happiness takes many forms. When we crave a favorite food, attaining it creates a sense of completeness, and generates happiness. Much of our lives is composed of wanting things, getting them, and achieving a small dose of happiness as a result. When we do the right thing in a difficult situation, we feel more complete in the use of our strengths and capabilities, and this generates happiness. When we feel connected to friends and family through the emotion we call love, we feel more complete and happy. The Chovos HaLevovos, the Mesillas Yesharim and the Rambam teach that love of Hashem generates the highest sense of completion and therefore the greatest pleasure and happiness.

The higher levels of happiness take more time and effort to attain, are deeper, and are high Torah priorities. “Loving Hashem” and “Loving Your Neighbor as Yourself” are two cornerstone mitzvos. When we appreciate the miracles that Hashem did for us on Purim and Pesach, we deepen our connection and love of Him, which increases our sense of completion and our happiness.

With regard to our Shul, we can appreciate that we are bound together in a common history, heritage and mission to bring Hashem’s presence into the world. If we consistently focus on this, we can feel the resulting sense of completion and happiness. Initially, it might not generate the same happiness as a Kiddush after davening. However, it we persist, and focus on the thoughts of connection and completion, we can acheive the Joy of Loving our Shul.

Covid and The Problem of No-Frills Davening

With the rise of Covid, No-Frills Davening is becoming the norm. No-Frills davening the phenomena where people join and/or attend Shuls on Shabbos for davening alone. What could be wrong with that? Shuls are built as places to daven. To answer this question we have to take a step back to look at the goals of Judaism.

The goals of Judaism are to create three types of connection:
1) the connection of our body and soul
2) a connection to Hashem
3) connections of ourselves with other people

Body and soul connection is achieved by learning and following the Torah’s prescription of how to act, feel and think from a spiritual perspective as we navigate our lives in this physical world. Connection to Hashem is achieved through serving Him via the mitzvos and through prayer. Connection to others is achieved by diminishing and overcoming our self-centered perspective and helping, seeing the good, speaking well of, and giving honor to our fellow Jews.

Although the Shul is a place where we connect to Hashem via prayers, it is also a place where we connect to our fellow Jews. Connecting to people requires us to go beyond the comfort zone of our family and close friends, and dealing with people who are not such close friends, who have different views than us, who might sometimes rub us the wrong way. And it takes work because we have to put aside our self-centeredness to accommodate the perspectives, needs, and personalities of others. Many people don’t enjoy this and therefore seek a no-frills, no-conflict, no-accommodation-required environment. But if we are to grow as individuals and collectively as a community and a people we need to get our hands dirty and constructively deal with these differences and conflicts.

The world is becoming a much more polarized place and as inhabitants we are affected by this division. The Torah gives us the prescription to eliminate polarization and that is through connection. Hashgacha has placed us in Shuls where we have the challenge and opportunity to do the real work of creating connections and a true unity. No-Frills Davening is harmful because it keeps us in our comfort zone and prevents us from creating the connections which are a major component of our purpose in the world. When Covid makes a retreat, we must strive hard to get back to relationship building in our Shuls.

Mishkan, Mikdash, Shul

In the Strive for Truth essay named “Mishkan and Mikdash” Rabbi Dessler points out that the Tabernacle is sometimes called Sanctuary (Mikdash) and sometimes called Dwelling Place (Mishkan). A Mikdash is a place of holiness where we recognize Hashem’s awesomeness and try to transcend our lower level to reach out to Hashem. A Mishkan is a place where Hashem rests His presence amongst us despite our relative lowliness because He knows we can lift ourselves up.

Our Shuls contain elements of both. When we start to pray Shemoneh Esrai, we strive to make Hashem’s presence so real, as if we were talking to a person. We need to feel the Mishkan. In the prayer itself we reach up to connect to Hashem in our minds and in our hearts. We can see the interplay between the two: the more we feel Hashem’s presence, the easier we can connect, and the more we connect, the more we feel Hashem’s presence.

From a practical point of view, we all need to work on our davening. Feeling Hashem’s presence is a challenge which needs real efforts to improve. Focusing on our prayers is another challenge. If we take a few seconds before starting Shomoneh Esrai to mentally acknowledge that we are standing before Hashem, we can at least start the first brocha with some of the required focus.

Our Sages instituted praying with a minyan to help us connect to Hashem. When we each work on trying to connect to Hashem through prayer our collective efforts make the Shul more of a place where Hashem’s presence can be felt. May we all merit success in our individual prayer efforts so we can turn our Shuls into the best Mishkans and Mikdashes they can be.

Appreciation of Our Wonderful Shul Choices

I was out of town for Shabbos twice in the last two months and it was a great experience. Out of town Shuls are very friendly. Out of towners are less judgmental and more accepting of a wider range of observance. Out of towners really appreciate their shuls and their fellow members. In addition, being away brought me to a greater recognition and appreciation of some aspects of the Shuls in my larger neighborhood.

The first recognition is place. Since there are many Shuls in larger neighborhoods, you are more likely to find one near your house. Many people in my neighborhood have a 1-3 minute walk to their nearest Shul.

The second recognition is time. There are many different times available for Shacharis, Mincha, and Maariv. This greatly increases your opportunities to daven with a minyan. Many people in my neighborhood rarely miss davening with a minyan.

The third recognition is speed. We daven at different paces. It’s nice to be able to find a minyan that fits your speed. When you’re not rushing, you have a better chance of having some kavanna. And if you have a need for some speed, you can find that too.

One of the purposes of prayer is recognizing and appreciating the good that Hashem provides. How appropriate it is to recognize and thank Hashem for our wonderful Shul choices.

The Real Problem of No-Frills Davening

This post is a followup to the No-Frills Davening post. No-Frills Davening is the phenomena where people join and attend Shuls on Shabbos for davening alone. What could be wrong with that? Shuls are built as places to daven. To answer this question we have to take a step back to look at the goals of Judaism.

The goals of Judaism are to create three types of connection: 1) the connection of our body and soul; 2) a connection to Hashem; 3) connections of ourselves with other people. Body and soul connection is achieved by learning and following the Torah’s prescription of how to act, feel and think from a spiritual perspective as we navigate our lives in this physical world. Connection to Hashem is achieved through serving Him via the mitzvos and through prayer. Connection to others is achieved by diminishing and overcoming our egocentric perspective and helping, seeing the good, speaking well of, and giving honor to our fellow Jews.

Although the Shul is a place where we connect to Hashem via prayers, it is also a place where we connect to our fellow Jews. Connecting to people requires us to go beyond the comfort zone of our family and close friends, and dealing with people who are not such close friends, who have different views than us, who might sometimes rub us the wrong way. And it takes work because we have to put aside our ego and individual perspective to accommodate the perspectives, needs, and personalities of others. Many people don’t enjoy this and therefore seek a no-frills, no-conflict, no-accommodation-required environment. But if we are to grow as individuals and collectively as a community and a people we need to get our hands dirty and constructively deal with these differences and conflicts.

Everyday Connection Building

Our purpose in life is connection. To connect to Hashem. To connect to our souls. To connect to other people. These are connections of the heart -meaning they need to be internalized. This takes work and time and we must continually try to deepen these connections.

I was talking to a friend and he said that when he walks into certain Shuls he doesn’t feel comfortable. Sometimes because he had a bad experience and sometimes because the people did not seem so friendly. That’s understandable, however I asked him to look at it from a different perspective.

There are 7.5 billion people in the world, about 15 million Jews, and about 3 million Orthodox Jews. That means only .04% (4 out of every 10,000) of the world’s population are trying to connect to Hashem through following the Torah.

When you walk into any Shul all the people there are a part of this small special group on this special mission. Focusing on that thought when we enter a Shul, focuses on the positive in the group and deepens our connection to them.

Due to the way we are created, with egos, we have a tendency to focus on the negative in people. However, it is only by focusing on the positive that we build connections. I’m not saying that we should be Pollyannas and ignore the issues, but rather that our main focus should be on the positive.

My friend tried the above suggestion the next time he entered a previously uncomfortable Shul, and he said it made a noticeable difference. Focus on the positive in people, it’s what Hashem wants, and it markedly improves our life.

The Biggest Problem in Judaism

What’s the biggest problem in Judaism. A lot of things come to mind, the Yeshiva System, the Shidduch System, the Chinuch System, the Left, the Right, the Middle, the Open, the Closed, the Leadership, the lack of Leadership, etc.

However, I think the biggest problem in Judaism is clearly stated in the pasuk in Devarim:
And now, Israel, what does Hashem ask of you, that you
1) fear Him, 2) walk in His ways, 3) love Him, 4) serve Him with all your heart and all your soul and 5) observe all the mitzvos.

That’s what’s expected of us!

On top of that we have an animal soul that’s impulsive, loves physical pleasure, and detests exertion. We have a yetzer hara that makes us ego-centric leading to selfishness, anger, envy and honor seeking. And we live in a world loaded with intellectual, emotional and physical distractions like politics, business, sports, shopping, gadgets, social media, and entertainment.

And even when we are able to overcome the physical, emotional and intellectual deterrents and create some connection to Hashem through fear, middos development, love, wholehearted service, and meticulous mitzvos observance – the majority of the payoff will not even be received in this world, but in the world to come.

This challenge is a tall order and it’s not really emphasized to FFB/BT children or FFB/BT adults, because it would just discourage them. So Yeshivos focus on the information and thought development of Torah study, and Kiruv and non-Yeshivish environments offers Torah as the best of all possible lifestyles. So it should be no surprise that many people want to move to a town where they can sit back a little and enjoy the Torah lifestyle.

That is the Biggest Problem in Judaism – a lot is expected of us and it’s really hard given our nature and environment. However, this is a problem that Hashem created. And if He created this problem, we know that He created a solution. We’ll take a look at the solution in a week or so.

Shabbos Davening at the Holiest Place on Earth

Davening in Yerushalayim is an amazing eclectic experience. In just five days I’ve experienced the Zichron Moshe and Malchei Tzedek minyan factories of Geula, Vasikin at the Kotel, Kabbalos Shabbos at the Mir, Mincha in Meron, and Shabbos Morning at the Holiest Place on Earth.

My friend who has been living and learning in the Old City for the past 40 years davens Shabbos morning at an Old City Yeshivish Ashkenaz minyan deep in the tunnel at the Kotel. The location makes it the closest minyan to the Kodesh Kodashim. My friend has a makom kavuah at the wall, where my son and I joined him for Shabbos.

The start time (this week at 8:30 pm) is 40 minutes before the Gaon’s zman for Krias Shema with a slow Shema and Shemoneh Esrai and no additional lag time, for a total of one hour and 45 minutes from Mizmor Shiur to Shiur Shel Yom. Although the time was straight and orderly, the seats are amazingly scattered, as can be expected at the Kotel. Because my friend is an upstanding minyan regular, I was honored with an Aliyah, and the trek to and back to the bimah was quite an obstacle course – but obviously well worth it.

Even with an inspirational location at the Holiest Place on Earth, comfortable speeds, and an amazing seat, davening is a Service of the Heart, which means what really matters is what’s going on inside the head. So when it comes down to it, it’s not only where you are, but where your head is at.

Greetings of Peace from Yerushalayim!