Simchas Archives - Shul Politics

In Praise of Shul Families

Reposted in honor of the upcoming Chasanah of Y. S.

There are some aspects of a successful Shul that are easy to quantify, such as a balanced budget, a reasonably paced davening, and Shul attendance. There are other aspects that are harder to precisely measure, but add even more value, such as a great Rabbi, a cohesive membership, and solid Shul families.

A Shul family is one in which the entire family participates, contributes and cares deeply about the Shul. They are active in the care and feeding of the Shul, they come regularly on Shabbos and Yom Tov, and they participate in Shul activites.

And perhaps the most interesting dynamic is how we experience the growth of their children. They are not immediate family or relatives, but we get a front row seat as they progress from Adon Olam, to Bar Mitzvah, to personable teenager, and G-d willing, to the Chuppah and beyond. We share in their Simchas, we watch them grow, we enjoy their company, and because they’re not involved in the day-to-day stuff, we don’t have conflicts with them. It’s a little like grand-parenting, lots of nachas, without the difficult parts.

This post coincides with the simcha of the S family. They typify a solid Shul family, who are liked by all, not just because of what they give, but because of who they are. It’s important to appreciate how we benefit from various aspects of the Shul, and when it comes to Shul families we need to recognize how by just being who they are, they add so much to our lives.

Thank Yous and Mazal Tovs

There are two areas where doing a positive act might result in negative consequences. The first it publicly thanking people for services performed for the Shul. The second is publicly wishing people Mazal Tov.

When publicly thanking people from the podium or in the newsletter, there is a risk that you will leave someone out and thereby offend them. This can happen at a Shul dinner, where thank yous for general services may be issued, and after specific events. Many people feel that thank yous are so important that they should be issued, even at the risk of leaving someone out. A way to minimize the danger of offending, is by checking your list of thank yous with one or two people, thereby reducing the risk of leaving someone out.

One small caveat is that some people don’t want to be publicly thanked either because they like to keep their chesed private, or because they feel that they did not make a significant enough of a contribution to warrant a public thank you. Some people make a distinction between publicly announced thank yous and those written in the newsletter, as the sting of being left out is more pronounced when it is in print.

There are many lifecycle events that invoke a Mazal Tov, such as a bris, bar/bat mitzvah, engagement, marriage and birth. Mazal Tovs are strong builders of connection, at both the time they are announced and after Shul, when members come over to the Baal Simcha to wish Mazal Tov.

If there is a kiddush in the shul commemorating the event, then public thank yous are certainly in order. In regards to other events, one possible policy is to only announce events that are submitted to the president or some other officer. The downside of such a policy is that people involved in Simchos are usually busy and may forget to submit their Mazal Tov. The upside of such a policy is that there will be less cause for offense, since the lack of an announcement was the result of a lack of notification.

The other possible policy is to encourage submission of Simchos, but announce those that are known even if they are not submitted. The downside of such a policy is that people might be offended if their Simcha is missed, since other non-submitted Simchos where announced. The upside of such a policy is that more Simchos will be announced, resulting in more good will and connection.

I personally feel that Mazal Tovs and their connection generation is so important that they should be announced whenever they are known. Events that are missed can be announced the next week when they are discovered. If such a policy is adopted, members of the Shul should be encouraged to submit Simchos of which they are aware. A caveat here is that some people may not wish a particular Simcha to be announced, specifically when there is a party involved, like a Bat/Bar Mitzvah, and they don’t want to offend people who were not invited.

Life is complicated and setting policy on Thank Yous and Mazal Tovs should be thought through and discussed.

Love Amidst the Quarantine

We’re not in our Shuls, but we’re in Sefirah, where we’re working on the mitzvos between man and man. The foundational mitzvah between man and man is to “Love our Neighbors as Ourselves”.

A good friend, who runs a Dveikus Foundations WhatsApp group, recently taught that the Sefer Charedim, the author of Yedid Nefesh, and a contemporary of the Ari in Safed, lists eight components of this mitzvah:

1) To praise and compliment people
2) To be concerned about their finances
3) To desire that they get respect and honor
4) To love and have compassion for them
5) To proactively seek out their benefit
6) To be genuinely happy when good things happen to them
7) To be pained when they are in distress
8) To speak calmly to them with love and respect

Eight wonderful opportunities to Love our Neighbors as Ourselves.

This Thursday, many members of our Shul will share in the joy of a well-loved family, as they walk their daughter down the aisle in a quarantine-time wedding. We share their joy, and we feel the pain of their limited celebration. They express their love to us in so many ways, and we return that love in our hearts and in our souls on this day of brocha.

Mazal Tov to the S family. May we continue to share love, simchos, and nachas from all of our children, relatives and friends.

Sharing the Joy: Your Shul and Your Wedding

The wedding of your children is one of life’s most joyous occasions. It’s a wondrous celebration and you only want to share the joy, but resource limitations force most people to make some hard choices.

Soon after the engagement is announced, the search for a hall begins, requiring an estimated guest count. After tabulating family, neighbors and other must-invites, attention turns to the Shul list and the unenviable selection task. Your closest friends and those you don’t really know are easy decisions, it’s the middle group that’s difficult. If you’ve been invited to a previous simcha, reciprocity should be considered, and for the rest of the members you need to make your choices, and hope those that you couldn’t invite will understand the financial realities behind your decision.

About a month before the simcha, the invitations usually go out. Many of your invitees will not be prompt in their response and then you have to decide if, and whom, you’re going to call for followup. A day or two before the wedding comes the last prep task, seating and creating the table cards. For family, neighbors and some friends, we assigned specific tables, but for the Shul members on the men’s side, we assigned them all to the same table number, let them choose their own seats in that table pool. I wanted to do that for the ladies, but the idea was vetoed.

The day of the wedding itself is indescribably exciting. If your friends enjoy good beverages, you might want to be involved in the selection even though it’s traditionally the role of the groom’s side. You’ll be preoccupied at the Chuppah, so you might want to ask a friend to take some snaps of the ceremony, so you can relive the event before the photographer’s proofs arrive.

The 25-30 minute first dance usually begins (in the New York area), 3 hours after the beginning of Kabbolas HaPanim (aka the shmorg), and is one the centerpieces of the wedding, so you’ll want to make the most of it. After the initial dancing with the chosson, close family and Rebbeim, the breakaway Shul dance circle will form. Most of your friends will want to share a short dance with you, but most won’t initiate it, so reach for their hand and pull them into the center. Try to make each dance short, so that you can include as many people as possible. Pace yourself, because if you’re not in shape, 25 minutes of fast dancing can take it’s toll.

You should be aware that most of your Shul friends will leave after the meal and not stay for the second dance, which is meant for the friends of the Chosson and Kallah. It’s an amazing night, so enjoy and share the joy.

The Purpose of Life and Shuls

A few weeks ago, I wrote that the biggest challenge of Judaism is that a lot is expected of us. As it says in Devarim (10:12-13) we should 1) fear God, 2) walk in His ways, 3) love God, 4) serve Him with all our heart and all our soul and 5) observe all the mitzvos that he has commanded. The Ramchal makes clear in Mesillas Yesharim that this is not just a challenge, rather serving and developing a deep connection to God is in fact the purpose of our lives.

American-style Shuls with their strong chesed and friendship components give us the opportunity to advance in all five of the above components. The key to advancing is being conscious of our purpose as stated above, and using the many opportunities that come our way every single day in the form of mitzvos and interactions with people.

Let’s look at number 2, “walking in his ways”. The Ramchal writes about this: “Our Sages of blessed memory have thus summarized the idea (Avoth 2.1): “All that is praiseworthy in its doer and brings praise to him from others;” that is, all that leads to the end of true good, namely, strengthening of Torah and furthering of brotherliness”.

As an example, vorts of Shul members and their children provide a tremendous opportunity to further brotherliness, especially when they require a significant amount of time and travel. The Ramchal warns about a primary deterrent to availing ourselves of this purpose-fulfilling opportunity – that old nemesis: laziness. We don’t often think of going to an out-of-community vort as a life-purpose fulfilling event, but it is and if we become conscious of that fact – then we have a chance of overcoming the laziness deterrent, with a little help from Waze.

Torah observant Jews have the tremendous opportunity to live a constantly vibrant and purpose-filled life and our Shuls provide a tremendous vehicle to transform the challenges of serving God to the opportunities and fulfillment of that service.

Models of Chesed

In last week’s post, I tried to make the point that beyond our needs for socialization, Shuls serve as a character development arena. In this venue we can work on diminishing our egocentric view of the world to accomodate perspectives other than our own and create deeper connections to acquaintances in the Shul.

Another important roll of a No-Frills Davening Shul is the models our co-members serve to help up improve. One person motivates us to improve our davening, another our learning, and another our chesed. This week one of the “models of chesed” families made a wedding. This family regularly invites single members of the community to their Shabbos table and is involved in many chesed activities. The husband took on the Shul Treasurer position after having served two year as president. And it doesn’t stop there, as a member of the building maintenance committee he is constantly upkeeping the electrical and plumbing systems of the Shul as well as supervising the daily and weekly cleaning activities.

Beyond the institutional chesed involvement, is the personal chesed. This includes attending levayas, visiting the sick, giving rides or helping out in any way. We can’t all be expected to reach the highest level of chesed, but observing a family such as this, we are certainly motivated to make some additions or improvements to our activities. Mazal Tov to the H family on their Simcha. May they continue to take their chesed higher and higher so that we can improve from their rising tide.

The Meaningful Act of Just Showing Up

My oldest daughter and son-in-law were blessed with the birth of their first child, a baby boy on Shabbos of Parsha Vayigash, which also brought with it the blessings of a Shabbos Bris. A Shabbos Bris is an amazing event consisting of a family meal, a Shalom Zucher, Shabbos Davening, the Bris, a Kiddush, a Seudas Mitzvah Lunch and the rest of Shabbos. It’s even more festive than a Shabbos Sheva Brochos.

Shalom Zucherim, Brissim, Kiddushim are tremendous opportunities to deepen our connections to our friends and all it takes is just showing up. Through the various activities I continually thought, “How nice it is that he stopped by?”. Some people just poked their head in for a second at the Shalom Zucher. The effort to leave the comforts of home on Shabbos night, just to say hi, made an impression. My closest friends came to three or four of the activities. It meant a lot to me. That’s the stuff great friendships are made of.

I also had the pleasure to attend two vorts this week. Local vorts are often attendance no-brainers. It’s the longer distance vorts which create the growth opportunities. “I don’t have that much time to spare.” “We’re not that close.” “I’ll probably be invited to to the wedding.” These are all good excuses, but the meaningfulness of the act is proportionate to the effort. Long distance and time consuming attendance shows that you care. And the people on the receiving end really appreciate it.

We’re busy. We’re distracted. We’re sometimes lazy. It’s hard to go to all the things that we know we should. That’s why we can be pretty sure that the meaningful act of just showing up brings the rewards of deeper connections in this world and the rewards of being a chesed personality in the next.

Kashrus, Cost and Convenience in Your Shul’s Kitchen

Judaism affords us many opportunities to throw a small party and the trick is to do it without it costing a small fortune. So when you need a little more space for your Simcha, the first place to turn is towards the Shul secretary responsible for booking the Social Hall. You make the call, and the space is available, so the next step is to understand your Shul’s rules regarding bringing in food and using the kitchen.

As we’ve seen in every discussion here, there is always a tension between two or more issues. In this case there is the cost and convenience of bringing in your own food versus the need to insure that a reasonable level of Kashrus is maintained in the kitchen. Let me share the guidelines we’ve established on this issue as a starting point.

1. The sinks and counters in our kitchen are considered Fleishig.

2. You can only use the sinks and counters if you are bringing in food from an approved vendor under the hashgacha of an approved agency like the Vaad of Queens or the OU.

3. You can only bring in home made food if it is a private affair such as a vort, Sheva Berachos or a Shalom Zachor.

4. If home made food is brought in then ONLY the refrigerator can be used. No sink, counters or anything else.

5. No home made hot food can be kept in the kitchen.

These five rules enable us to keep the Kashrus standards of the Shul kitchen at a high level, while still allowing for the use of home food for private events in the Shul.