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Four Dimensional Flourishing in Shuls on Shabbos

Four Dimensional Flourishing is a framework developed by Mark Frankel and David Linn. The goal of FDF is to increase the amazing-ness quotient in our lives. We’ve compiled a booklet and given two seminars on the subject.

What does an amazing life look like? It’s a life where we experience physical pleasure without being controlled by it. A life where we reduce our anger and envy and develop happiness, and deep connections to others. It’s living in a way that finds significance and meaning even in seemingly mundane endeavors. It’s having a clear understanding of our purpose, and living each day in accordance with that purpose.

The first step on the road to a flourishing life is understanding that all human experiences fall into four dimensions: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. To flourish, we need to know the goals we are striving for in each dimension. In the physical realm, we are looking for pleasure. Emotionally, we are in pursuit of happiness. In the mental realm, we are searching for meaning. And in the spiritual dimension, we seek to fulfill our purpose.

In each dimension, there is a central habit that is critical to flourishing and a major deterrent that distances us from flourishing. In order to increase the degree of flourishing we experience in our lives, we need to develop these habits and address these deterrents.

Shuls on Shabbos provide a great opportunity for Four Dimension Flourishing. Onegs, Shabbos Kiddushim and Shalosh Seudos provide pleasure in the physical dimension with the key component that there is a mitzvah to have physical pleasure on Shabbos.

In the emotional realm, connecting to people is one of our primary sources of happiness. Shabbos in Shuls gives us plenty of face time to connect with our friends and deepen those happiness generating connections.

Meaning is the currency of the mental dimension and we find meaning in things we find significant. For many of us, the Shul is one of the most significant institutions in our lives, and our participation in belonging, supporting and operating it provides meaning.

The highest dimension is the spiritual and it is in this dimension that we define the purpose of our lives; developing a relationship with Hashem. The extended davening and learning that takes place in the Shul on Shabbos helps us achieve our purpose.

Living an amazing day-to-day life of Four Dimensional Flourishing is within our grasp, and Shabbos in Shul gives us a large scoop of such a life.

The Connection Power of the Kiddush

It’s no secret that a major part of Torah Judaism involves Bein Adam L’Chaveiro. Regarding the negative commandments, we need to avoid Lashon Hara, embarassing people, insulting people, taking revenge, holding a grudge, hating in our heart, etc… For the positive commandments, we need to give good advice, find people jobs, apartments, shidduchim, help them grow, and love our neighbors as ourselves, etc…

Our busy weekday lives often minimize our face to face contacts, but thankfully we have Shabbos, a time for God, family, and friends. The positive trend towards reducing conversation in Shul during davening, leaves the kiddush as the major time to build connection.

The food at the kiddush is the vessel over which we connect and too much focus on the food will reduce the positive social interaction. Three variables effect the connection-building capabilities: the number of people; whether it is sitting our standing; and whether it is in the Shul/social hall or in somebodies’ home.
– The more people at the kiddush, the more difficult it is to have a deeper and longer conversation.
– A sit down kiddush creates better connections than a standing one.
– A kiddush in a house is more intimate and connection building than one in the Shul/Social Hall.

The large stand up kiddush in the Shul is at the lower end of the connection-building scale, while a private sit-down kiddush in somebodies’ home creates a high-connection environment. Unfortunately, the sit-down kiddush in somebodies home is usually not a Shul event, it does not scale to Shul size, and it can create an air of exclusivity. The most practical alternative is a sit down kiddush in the Shul. If you scale down the menu to cracker, cookies, chips, dips and drinks, the sit down kiddush becomes more achievable.

Whatever the form, kiddushim are an important social component of your Shul. We hope and pray that the end of Covid will come soon and the Shul Kiddush in all its formats will return.

Shul Things That Don’t Scale

Scaling is a term popularized in the tech startup world*. The concept is that a small group of about 3 designers and developers create a product and try to get in in the hands of a small group of between 100 to 1000 users. The developers iterate a few releases of the product based on user feedback and usage metrics. When they feel that they have a product that users love, they try to scale it to a much large group via sales, marketing, and business development.

For Shuls, scaling would consist of taking an experience that some people find valuable and getting more Shul members to participate. However there are a number Shul things that don’t scale well – and that’s ok.

One example is the small kiddush after davening. A dozen or so people get together around a table over some schnaps and chips. They shmooze for 30 minutes or so, often with a short dvar Torah. Over time deeper connections are built among the members of this group. It works because it’s small and consists of longer uninterrupted conversations with a small group of people. The larger Shul kiddush and Shalosh Seudis is also valuable for conversation and connection, but the intimacy of the small kiddush gives it certain connection advantages.

Another thing that usually doesn’t scale are shiurim. For in-depth shiurim, you need a certain level of knowledge and the desire and ability to focus for 45 minutes or so. A majority of people will not meet these criteria for various reason, but those participating receive a lot of benefit from the in-depth learning. A daily Daf Yomi shiur, which is often supplemented by Art Scroll, and trades-off depth for breadth, will usually not get a Shul majority. People often chose the options of learning with a chavrusa or by themselves. Nevertheless, weekly or daily shiurim are extremely valuable for those that do participate.

A third thing that doesn’t scale is a Shul social event, whether it be a picnic, a Melava Malka, or other special event. People have differing schedules and a specific time will usually not work for a number of people. Secondly, different people have different social appetities and social events are not appealing to all members. But once again, they are very valuable for those who do participate.

I think the takeaway is that although number of participants is an important metric, it is clearly not the only one, and might not even be the most important one.

* In a classic article by one of the most knowledgeable startup investors, Paul Graham suggests that startups Do Things That Don’t Scale

Is NuNu a Four Letter Word?

One of the most misunderstood utterances in Shuls is that of NuNu. It is often used by someone who feels that there is an unnecessary delay in the service. Even those of us who wouldn’t utter NuNu, may have had those thoughts running through our mind on some occasion.

On the benefit of the doubt side, the person saying NuNu thinks that there is a correction that needs to be made. It’s often during a part of the davening where he thinks that talking is not permitted, so he says NuNu instead to avoid a possible violation of halacha. Whether it is better or worse halachically, is beyond the scope of this post.

In some ways, NuNu-ing is very similar to the shusher discussed in the “Is Shushing Worse Then Talking in Shul” post. In both cases the person may be right, however the mode of expression is disruptive. I think the NuNu can be more offensive than the Shush.

Another problem is the reason is not always obvious to the target of the NuNu as illustrated by an incident that happened to me. I was davening from the Amud in a Neitz (sunrise) minyan and I had looked at the wrong day on the calendar so I had the wrong Neitz time. A friend who was helping me through the Neitz rookie stage, saw that I was on a pace that would exceed the acceptable Neitz margin of error, so he NuNu’ed me to try and correct the situation. Since I had the wrong time and thought I was on target I couldn’t decipher the meaning of his NuNu and I was late in the start of Shemoneh Esrai.

Chronic NuNu-ers should probably be approached by the Gabbai with the suggestion that the NuNu-er come to the Gabbai to point out problems and he would try to correct them.

In summary, the NuNu-er is very possibly coming from a good place, wanting to make things right, and we should try to view him in that light. On the other hand we should probably try to find other means to communicate if we feel there are corrections to be made.

The Purpose of Life and Shuls

A few weeks ago, I wrote that the biggest challenge of Judaism is that a lot is expected of us. As it says in Devarim (10:12-13) we should 1) fear God, 2) walk in His ways, 3) love God, 4) serve Him with all our heart and all our soul and 5) observe all the mitzvos that he has commanded. The Ramchal makes clear in Mesillas Yesharim that this is not just a challenge, rather serving and developing a deep connection to God is in fact the purpose of our lives.

American-style Shuls with their strong chesed and friendship components give us the opportunity to advance in all five of the above components. The key to advancing is being conscious of our purpose as stated above, and using the many opportunities that come our way every single day in the form of mitzvos and interactions with people.

Let’s look at number 2, “walking in his ways”. The Ramchal writes about this: “Our Sages of blessed memory have thus summarized the idea (Avoth 2.1): “All that is praiseworthy in its doer and brings praise to him from others;” that is, all that leads to the end of true good, namely, strengthening of Torah and furthering of brotherliness”.

As an example, vorts of Shul members and their children provide a tremendous opportunity to further brotherliness, especially when they require a significant amount of time and travel. The Ramchal warns about a primary deterrent to availing ourselves of this purpose-fulfilling opportunity – that old nemesis: laziness. We don’t often think of going to an out-of-community vort as a life-purpose fulfilling event, but it is and if we become conscious of that fact – then we have a chance of overcoming the laziness deterrent, with a little help from Waze.

Torah observant Jews have the tremendous opportunity to live a constantly vibrant and purpose-filled life and our Shuls provide a tremendous vehicle to transform the challenges of serving God to the opportunities and fulfillment of that service.

I Love My Seat

I’ve written before on how fortunate I feel to have so many close friends in my Shul. Nonetheless, today is a little bit of a blue day, because at 6:00 AM this morning, a flight took off from La Guardia to Fort Lauderdale. And on that flight was one of my closest friends, TG, who was taking the last leg of his year long move to East Boca.

I don’t want this to be a dinner-like salute to him and his wonderful wife, who is a close friend of my wife, but I do want to share two thoughts which are consistent with the themes of Shul Politics.

What is wonderful about friends, and people in general, is that each one of them is a world on to themselves. A unique combination of body, heart, mind and soul shaped by years of experience. As a result, we develop different relations with each friend, often based on our shared interests. TG is my unofficial (and unpaid) growth coach. He’s the only person who will approach me in Shul with a fist pumping “Growth Baby Growth” greeting. We also share a love of the 7 Habits, NLP, Mystical Judaism, Mussar and anything that will move us, the Shul, or the community in a growth direction.

The second thought has to do with emotions. As you may have noticed, men can be a little reserved when it comes to baring their emotions. Our Shul is a little above average here, in that hugs are quite common and there is a great camaraderie, but verbal male emotional bonding still mostly follows societal norms.

When TG first came to the Shul, he wanted to sit in my section, but there was no room for him and his sons, so I pointed out some other seating options, and I told him which I thought was the best choice. He took my suggestion and every so often he would tell me “I love my seat” and I would tell him “I’m glad to hear that”. But in reality, he didn’t need to keep on telling me that, he was really expressing something much deeper.

And now that he has moved and I won’t be hearing the “I love my seat” refrain any longer, I want to give him my real response, “TG – “I love you too.”.